Venting heartbroken and ashamed

[chobonzi]

For about 8 months i was homeless and using drugs. i finally got with the girl i've liked for awhile and everything was great. eventually, things started to turn bad but our love grew and we went through it all. i was arrested for defending myself where someone was trying to hurt me. i spent a few months behind bars and during that time the girl i was in love with left me for someone i considered a brother. i blame myself for her addiction getting out of control even though she used prior to dating me. she blames me as well. she was going to have my baby but she suffered a miscarriage. i can't get her out of my head and i can't get all my wrongs off my mind. they haunt me. i've been using since a young teenager and i'm almost 30. i've done a lot of bad to the people i love and that love me. ive ruined almost every relationship due to drug use and my family was close to never speaking to me again. i'm tired of feeling pain and suffering. i'm tired of causing pain and suffering. i've had many failed attempts with hanging, cutting, od and even tried a gun (it wouldn't go off even though it was loaded and safety off and worked prior) i don't want to live this life without this person and hope that if a next life exists, we will be together then. i know it's considered stupid to want to leave because of a girl in most circles of people but i never loved someone so much. i never felt comfortable with anyone including friends and family, as i did with her. i plan on reading more ways to go but i'm leaning toward an opioid OD or the night night method or shallow water. i just wanted to vent a little and make my plan public. i plan on writing a letter to each of my family members as well as my love. i don't have a date set. but hopefully soon. i'm tired of being a burden and worrying people with my issues and being a disappointment. i'm tired of being in my head constantly and having such a sinking feeling in my stomach.

 

[melancholymallory03]

For about 8 months i was homeless and using drugs. i finally got with the girl i've liked for awhile and everything was great. eventually, things started to turn bad but our love grew and we went through it all. i was arrested for defending myself where someone was trying to hurt me. i spent a few months behind bars and during that time the girl i was in love with left me for someone i considered a brother. i blame myself for her addiction getting out of control even though she used prior to dating me. she blames me as well. she was going to have my baby but she suffered a miscarriage. i can't get her out of my head and i can't get all my wrongs off my mind. they haunt me. i've been using since a young teenager and i'm almost 30. i've done a lot of bad to the people i love and that love me. ive ruined almost every relationship due to drug use and my family was close to never speaking to me again. i'm tired of feeling pain and suffering. i'm tired of causing pain and suffering. i've had many failed attempts with hanging, cutting, od and even tried a gun (it wouldn't go off even though it was loaded and safety off and worked prior) i don't want to live this life without this person and hope that if a next life exists, we will be together then. i know it's considered stupid to want to leave because of a girl in most circles of people but i never loved someone so much. i never felt comfortable with anyone including friends and family, as i did with her. i plan on reading more ways to go but i'm leaning toward an opioid OD or the night night method or shallow water. i just wanted to vent a little and make my plan public. i plan on writing a letter to each of my family members as well as my love. i don't have a date set. but hopefully soon. i'm tired of being a burden and worrying people with my issues and being a disappointment. i'm tired of being in my head constantly and having such a sinking feeling in my stomach.

I can relate to feeling like you're being held hostage by your problems … and burdening others

Im so sorry you're going through this , it seems unimaginable…. I'd be tapping ouy

Just remember you can't blame yourself for others addictions , no matter what, don't let your mind spiral into that. " it's always a friend " but it's never the friends fault that they start , honestly - don't let the guilt eat you up, instead try to learn as much as possible from what happened , and think about what she would want from you now , if you really want to please her still , maybe letting go… as hard as it will be … is the path you must seek…

I'm so sorry for her betrayal into your brother too, that's not cool, and a big double cross.
Just cruel.


i hope peace, enlightenment and freedom washes over you soon, you deserve it .

it wasn't you're fault -

these things happen

 

[eatantz]

This is honestly the most heart-breaking post I've read on this site im so sorry. I wish u the best man i hope u can find peace