Having trouble with my survival instinct.

[kazewoatsumete]

I am starting to realize that my suicidal feelings will keep coming back, and it always happens to be due to the same event— loss.
My parents are dead, many friends long gone, partners left, and it seems as though the grief just piles up. I have tried antipsychotics. I have tried multiple types of therapy. It works in the short term, but when it comes to the threat of loss, I end up exactly in the same spot as I am now.
I am troubled because I really do feel like I enjoy my life— or at least tolerate it times when I have brief reprieves from loss or fall for false promises of permanence, but I am also coming to grips with the fact that loss is inevitable after I lost a dear friend to suicide and my partner of 3 years left me.
No matter how much therapy or meds, I don't feel better. It feels like everything piles up. That is why I am certain that catching the bus may be in my best interest— if the stress of loss and grief has incapacitated me to this extent when I'm hardly in my mid-twenties, if I always come back to this spot, perhaps I need to break the cycle. I don't think I can like myself, and I don't think I can overcome the trauma and grief I feel if it will only come at me again and again. It feels as though the happy times are not worth it.

The issue is that my survival instinct has been kicking in intensely as I plan more thoroughly— what about my pets, won't my friends be sad, oh this new person wants to talk to me!
I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm not sure how much longer I can feasibly endure agony. I am not impulsive, this may actually be one of the first times these thoughts are not impulsive.
Is there any way to cope with the guilt and fear of missing out? Is there any way to suppress my survival instinct? Is it just not my time yet? I want it to be my time. I don't want to endure this for years to come.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You truly, really, honestly need to lose ALL hope before you'll be able to go through with CTB. It's not something you can make happen. It just has to happen organically. Wanting to die is not the same as being able to die. You may have to live with your life for a while, possibly forever, until all of your hope is gone. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. You are very young and I don't begrudge you your right to make decisions for yourself, especially one as big as CTB. Dying is hard. It can be harder than living sometimes. Sorry you have so much grief and pain in your life. It's a club no one wants to belong to. There's a lot of us here who belong to it, though. Welcome to SS, btw.

 

[kazewoatsumete]

You truly, really, honestly need to lose ALL hope before you'll be able to go through with CTB. It's not something you can make happen. It just has to happen organically. Wanting to die is not the same as being able to die. You may have to live with your life for a while, possibly forever, until all of your hope is gone. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. You are very young and I don't begrudge you your right to make decisions for yourself, especially one as big as CTB. Dying is hard. It can be harder than living sometimes. Sorry you have so much grief in your life.

Is there no way to rationalize the hope away? I know that all of these things are unavoidable. I know my reaction to these things. I don't even feel hopeful, I mostly feel remorse.
It's weird, when I get drunk enough, I feel like I could do it. I try all sorts of stupid things that don't work. I don't understand why I can't get that courage sober.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Is there no way to rationalize the hope away? I know that all of these things are unavoidable. I know my reaction to these things. I don't even feel hopeful, I mostly feel remorse.
It's weird, when I get drunk enough, I feel like I could do it. I try all sorts of stupid things that don't work. I don't understand why I can't get that courage sober.

Not that I know of, unless you can somehow trick your mind into believing it. Please don't try CTB all drunked up. Something's bound to go wrong.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just don't think that there's a straightforward answer to this question, I believe that it's a feeling that someone has when they know that it's time to leave this world, maybe many people just get so desperate to leave or the suffering becomes too much for them to bear. But it's true that it's like the survival instinct exists to prolong our torment and keep us trapped here when we really wish to leave. Actually going through with suicide can certainly be difficult, especially if someone has a less desirable method and I envy those who have left this world. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

Welcome to SS. :) We're all fighting here, against the beast that is SI.

I've tried all sorts of self-abuse when drunk. Alc is a great motivator for taking action on things we are internally very passionate about, but it makes us sloppy.

You've come to the right place for extensive method research and for a community that GETS it, compared to the general public/mainstream society. Keep interacting with the site and you will gain the ability to use the search bar and to DM users.

Only you can know when the time is right or what you might be comfortable attempting.

 

[Meaninglessness]

To die alone without the help of a physician is the most difficult thing. We know that the method can fail. Death is a journey into the unknown. We have fear of death and the death process. We are programmed to live - the body is not created to kill itself. You have to be in extreme pain to commit suicide. Alcohol can lead to failure because you can lose control over your movements. I think that a special personality is required. Prisoners who have killed other people usually don´t have any problems with suicide in prison. Prisoners can commit suicide with any method. People who manage to overcome the fear of death don´t become long-term writers on Sanctioned Suicide.

 

[my-end]

Is there no way to rationalize the hope away? I know that all of these things are unavoidable. I know my reaction to these things. I don't even feel hopeful, I mostly feel remorse.
It's weird, when I get drunk enough, I feel like I could do it. I try all sorts of stupid things that don't work. I don't understand why I can't get that courage sober.

This may be what I needed to hear. My SI is kicking in as I'm blacking out. (Nitrogen). It's not happening fast enough. I've considered hyperventilating more. I wonder how the industrual nitro accidents happen and they're unaware, maybe their oxygen use level is higher since they're working so when it gets cut off, it's immediate. I thought about drinking to help get through the passing out part. Idk.

Is there no way to rationalize the hope away? I know that all of these things are unavoidable. I know my reaction to these things. I don't even feel hopeful, I mostly feel remorse.
It's weird, when I get drunk enough, I feel like I could do it. I try all sorts of stupid things that don't work. I don't understand why I can't get that courage sober.

Sorry. Didn't mean to ignore your concern/question. To me, it depends how long you've been struggling in life. The longer you've been struggling, the easier (still not easy) not seeing any hope becomes.

 

[SamTam33]

...It's weird, when I get drunk enough, I feel like I could do it. I try all sorts of stupid things that don't work. I don't understand why I can't get that courage sober.

This is the main reason I'm still here. And I can't figure out how to rectify it.

If I decide to jump, how I do I drive to my jump spot sober? If I want to drink SN, how do I observe the rules of the regiment (e.g. fasting) sober?

When I'm clear-minded and not inebriated, my motivation isn't the same.

But the feelings are always there, right beneath the surface. I just need alcohol for them to flourish.

I'm at a loss for how I'm supposed to do this.

If I had bridge within walking distance, that'd be ideal. I'd drink myself silly then stumble my way to the edge.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do understand where you are coming from and I really sympathise. I had a lot of family members die in early childhood. Since then, I have (pretty much) lost other really good friends through moving miles away and changes in circumstances.

Life is sadly full of loss- unless you are extremely lucky. It can be very difficult to get over and in my case, it has partly made me reluctant to form any new relationships- for fear of losing them too.

I think it can certainly make you more closed off to the world if you continue with life and go the route of blocking everyone out. I think it's possible if you have a driving ambition to focus on. However, that's not a great way to live either (in my experience.) I suppose the ideal is to try and accept that people will come and go in your life.

I've never been able to achieve it though- like- how do you even form relationships without trust? Still, I think I suffered from thinking a friendship was more important than is was (to them.) I think I'm quite cynical now. I've come to realise that you can't really trust or rely on people. I try my best to be grateful for what they give me but to not become reliant on it- or, expect it. Again though- not great.

As far as CTB goes- I think for all of us- it's just there as an option- which will likely seem more appealing at some times rather than others. My reasons for wanting to CTB sound kind of similar to yours in a way- to prevent ourselves from feeling more grief, loss or suffering in the future- because we know all too well what that feels like. Still- like other people have said- only you will know when that time comes. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

[AreWeWinning]

The issue is that my survival instinct has been kicking in intensely as I plan more thoroughly— what about my pets, won't my friends be sad, oh this new person wants to talk to me!

If you have pets and friends, those are major forces that can hold you back.

If this is what you really want, you can try to isolate yourself, and see where that leads you.

For me, it's a kind of self-perpetuating thing. The more I isolate myself, the clearer it becomes that I want to go, and in turn it makes it easier to isolate. Friends and family are useless. The story is always the same.