Having Trouble Grasping the Reality of my Life...

[Fakereality]

Like you see I know I am fucked and I have to die soon, but when it comes to actually making a decision or committing to it well my brain failed to register it as reality but instead keep thinking of it as something akin to a movie like "Death is something which happens to other people not me" mentally and logically I am aware of how absurd it is. If suicide was as simple as pressing a button, this wouldn't have been a problem at all but most methods require a fair degree of conscious control over your body mentally and physically and planning it all while being aware of the conclusion I am alright with the planning phase but like when the moment actually comes of executing it my brain start thinking of that reality as invalid a weird and annoying feeling really.

 

[Darkover]

You're havin' a little trouble fathomin' this is actually happenin'

 

[Fakereality]

You're havin' a little trouble fathomin' this is actually happenin'

I wouldn't call that "little trouble" yeah it seems simple enough to describe in words but when I am actually experiencing that feeling and going through it well it feels very suffocating to say the least.

 

[needforvoid_]

I feel like I'm really sick and need to be taken to a hospital to be given a cure, cure is death. But I have to do it myself. It sucks, I wish someone'd take me

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you still have doubts about whether you really want to go through with it, you will have feelings like that. Maybe you still harbor hope that things can get better. And if you think the feelings you have now are bad, wait until the moment you actually attempt anything. Then you're going to have to deal with a GREAT BIG FEELING right at the moment of truth.

 

[Fakereality]

If you still have doubts about whether you really want to go through with it, you will have feelings like that. Maybe you still harbor hope that things can get better. And if you think the feelings you have now are bad, wait until the moment you actually attempt anything. Then you're going to have to deal with a GREAT BIG FEELING right at the moment of truth.

That's a very easy conclusion to reach but I assure you my thoughts are quite concrete and in place i know what needs to be done.This post was more about that feeling than my thoughts as for the word "hope" I am not a big fan of it and don't even use it let alone think of it.

 

[CrossroadsCurious]

So is it more of a "time to nut up or shut up" moment?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

That's a very easy conclusion to reach but I assure you my thoughts are quite concrete and in place i know what needs to be done.This post was more about that feeling than my thoughts as for the word "hope" I am not a big fan of it and don't even use it let alone think of it.

That may be the case, and I really have no reason to question anything you say, but I know at that moment of truth you're not going to be immune from you're own self, pulling out all the punches to stop you, whose name is SI.

 

[Huntfish34]

I have gone through Very similar thoughts myself,. Especially with the movie aspect and the back / forth thinking this all can't happen to me... That's supposed to happen to others, never me.

Really draining and uncomfortable mind state to say the Least. I Fckn hate it.

Thoughts and prayers sent your way,. Hope everything works out for the best.

 

[outrider567]

So is it more of a "time to nut up or shut up" moment?

like that pic of yours

 

[Fakereality]

That may be the case, and I really have no reason to question anything you say, but I know at that moment of truth you're not going to be immune from you're own self, pulling out all the punches to stop you, whose name is SI.

In my view si is a different entity than consciousness me as an consciousness is just a person on a driver seat of a car only allowed to use accelerator and steering wheel while my brain sits back on the back seat with a whip in hand enjoying the show and interfering when it suits it purpose.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

In my view si is a different entity than consciousness me as an consciousness is just a person on a driver seat of a car only allowed to use accelerator and steering wheel while my brain sits back on the back seat with a whip in hand enjoying the show and interfering when it suits it purpose.

All I can say is, if it really, truly comes to the point of reckoning, make sure you still have that whip in your hand.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I have gone through Very similar thoughts myself,. Especially with the movie aspect and the back / forth thinking this all can't happen to me... That's supposed to happen to others, never me.

Really draining and uncomfortable mind state to say the Least. I Fckn hate it.

Thoughts and prayers sent your way,. Hope everything works out for the best.

I think we all assume from a young age that we are the victor in the movie - we may go through some trials and tribulations, but we are the star, the lead-role, and we will overcome adversity and get to the happy ending eventually - once it is realized that we were living a tragedy all along, but we just didn't know it, it's so hard to accept - we were just a tragic supporting role in someone else's hero movie - that really sucks

 

[Fakereality]

All I can say is, if it really, truly comes to the point of reckoning, make sure you still have that whip in your hand.

That's such a brilliant meaningful advice I myself could never in eternity have thought of it many thanks I will let my brain know to start the procedure of handing over the whip.

I think we all assume from a young age that we are the victor in the movie - we may go through some trials and tribulations, but we are the star, the lead-role, and we will overcome adversity and get to the happy ending eventually - once it is realized that we were living a tragedy all along, but we just didn't know it, it's so hard to accept - we were just a tragic supporting role in someone else's hero movie - that really sucks

You do have a point though tragedies are often way more of an enjoyable read than the stories of victories would Romeo and Juliet have been such a famous story if it didn't contain a tragedy within it? Most of us suffering npcs do indeed live in tragedies but if life is indeed a movie and there is a universal scale sadistic reader and watcher out there I bet our stories would be the one getting most attention.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide can be very difficult as even know we want to die we are programmed to survive. The fear of failure is what holds me back from ctb personally. I also wish that leaving this world was as easy as pressing a button, all that I want is to peacefully pass away without having to go through the process of ctb. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Fakereality]

I have gone through Very similar thoughts myself,. Especially with the movie aspect and the back / forth thinking this all can't happen to me... That's supposed to happen to others, never me.

Really draining and uncomfortable mind state to say the Least. I Fckn hate it.

Thoughts and prayers sent your way,. Hope everything works out for the best.

Thanks for your kind words it's a relief to see that I am not the only one who suffers from that feeling.