Venting having ana and being forced to eat

[hopelessghost]

I don't know exactly how to put this in words but I have a very bad ed and my family is now forcing me to eat, which led me to gain 4kg over the last month (when I was actually planning on losing another 4kg instead).
This is making me so suicidal, I see so much difference when I look in the mirror and even tho I can still see the bones they're "softer" now. I can't deal with this shit anymore.
The same way I think about suicide being an option and that we should be able to choose if we want to live or not, I think about ana. I want the freedom to decide how I want to behave and how I want to look.
I'm an adult married woman and having my mom, sister and husband forcing me to eat things I'd never eat before is making me spiral.
How would any of you act?

 

[39hatsune]

im sorry for your situation, i struggle with an eating disorder too so you are not alone
its very upsetting, but they are just trying to help you, they dont understand the severity of how it makes you feel
i dont want to give you advice on how to get around it, but just know you are not wrong in your frustration and im sure they dont have any ill intent in making you eat

hoping you feel better soon!

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

It's a tough situation for everyone involved, but it's about more than how you want to look, it's about all of the other changes that are invisible to the eye. I'm sure that if it only impacted how you looked, they wouldn't care one bit. It may not feel that way, but they're only doing it out of love.

 

[gunmetalblue]

Wanting to look a certain way, and having control over your body is one thing. It's something that every human alive should have control over.
But if your family are forcing you to eat, maybe consider that your physique and the hold ana has on you has gotten to a point of concern. And out of love and care, they have decided to act to try and stir you back to health.
But if you don't want to be healthy and want to fall deeper into the spiral that's a different conversation.

 

[uniquejam]

How would any of you act?

I would definitely throw up, its not possible to just eat what others want me to. Maybe if I tried but I know it would feel miserable. I don't think anyone considered this makes you feel miserable.

Mod note: Be aware that while feelings of loss and control are completely understandable this perspective/advice would be a continuation of the disordered behaviour that OP is being treated for.

 

[carfemtanyl]

have you tried to get help for your ED (e.g. some kind of rehab)?
all outcomes of this kinda suck:
* you lose more weight -> you will damage your body at some point or die from that at some point
* you are forced to eat -> you're suicidal and it harms your relations to others

I don't have an ED but I was in a psych ward with many that had one and I know how much worse it can get.
You should ask yourself whether you want to live without an ED. Because your ED will kill you if you don't do anything.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I would definitely throw up, its not possible to just eat what others want me to. Maybe if I tried but I know it would feel miserable. I don't think anyone considered this makes you feel miserable.

I think they have. It's about something much bigger than temporarily feeling miserable.