byebyeburdee
I'm a loser, baby.
- Dec 12, 2021
- 24
I joined because I knew I was ready. I'm making an attempt now. Rxs and OTCs with antiemetics and cold temps outside. I'm hoping to fall asleep and freeze. It'll be in the 20s out here tonight, and I don't stand much of a chance if my bodily functions are already at a low due to meds.
I had wanted to try to get N or SN but I just can't risk the wait. My health and legal and financial situations get more complicated by the day.
Fuck a goodbye thread! I want to celebrate my LIFE!!
I had a great time! I was so lucky to get to read great books, meet wonderful people, travel to amazing places, see cool natural environments, adopt a few really wonderful pets. I had lovers and friends and colleagues and hobbies and a really cool time! I think I made the best of my 40 years. Wouldn't change a thing.
I have had a GREAT LIFE! And as I am saying goodbye, I would like to share my favorite moments.
Top of the list: I got to go to Monte Carlo! NO LIE, I was the marketing director for the Sham-Wow guy! He is just as much of a diseased chode as he looked like on TV lol! But there was a marketing conference in Monaco he wanted to go to, and I was 25 and stupid and very hot at the time. I got to see gorgeous coasts, fast cars, Swedish fancy ladies, and so many fresh champagne bottles! It wasn't my life, but I got to live it for a couple weeks, and it felt fabulous. Hats off to the Milanese model who managed to get drunker than me. She needs a scout's badge for that. Good for her!
I got to be in a band during the last gasps of the Sunset Strip. My boyfriend at the time was the son of one of the Kinks (and a nephew of the other), and he was soooo aloof and cool. And for the moment we dated, I felt cool by association. I wasn't, to be sure, but I gave a great impression. And I got to write and sing some songs with some wonderful, talented artists I still respect so much. I got to live out everyone's karaoke DREAM! I got panties thrown at me onstage!!!
I got married at one point to a person I loved and respected. It was hard work, but I felt like I got to share my life with my best friend. We adopted a dog, we baked bread and brewed limoncello. We fought and hosted and did all the married things. I still think he's a wonderful, ignorant dumbass hero. All those things. He's the labrador of human beings. Someone give him a treat when he finds out, he deserves it.
I got to have my dream career! I started an opera company, and I had been dreaming of opera since I was 6 years old. I got to work with some truly breathtaking artists, producers, and let me not forget the stage managers - Oh! They were so wonderful and taught me so much about the balance between love and discipline. I got to write a show with a person who actually valued my input. I got to stand backstage in a production role on so many of my favorite shows. From SF Opera to the Met, I worked with and witnessed and loved and supported the voices that lifted my soul. I will be listening to some of them in my last moments, and they will carry me to rest, like the angels they are.
I got to make amends with my family members who care about me, and I got to release the ones who hurt me.
I got to stand up for myself and others when injustice and abuse was hurting us all. Racism, sexism, sexual abuse, homelessness. I got to help people, the greatest blessing of all. Ashley Cabe, I still love you and your baby girl. I will always think of you as a blessing in my life.
I can fully, honestly, proudly say that I did my best and can do no more.
I want to leave here with dignity and self determination. A well-designed death that will be pleasant and peaceful for me.
Don't feel sad about the years you didn't get to see me live out. Those were not my years. If I had lived them, they would have been for you. It already costs me too much to keep going on for y'all, and as much as I want to spare you pain, I have to also honor the needs of my own mind and body.
Don't be sad for me or pity me. I did GREAT with my years. I love my songs and interviews and essays and shitty, petty subtweets. My life was very, very good and exactly as long as it needed to be.
And, in the words of our mutual idol, I will always love you.
I had wanted to try to get N or SN but I just can't risk the wait. My health and legal and financial situations get more complicated by the day.
Fuck a goodbye thread! I want to celebrate my LIFE!!
I had a great time! I was so lucky to get to read great books, meet wonderful people, travel to amazing places, see cool natural environments, adopt a few really wonderful pets. I had lovers and friends and colleagues and hobbies and a really cool time! I think I made the best of my 40 years. Wouldn't change a thing.
I have had a GREAT LIFE! And as I am saying goodbye, I would like to share my favorite moments.
Top of the list: I got to go to Monte Carlo! NO LIE, I was the marketing director for the Sham-Wow guy! He is just as much of a diseased chode as he looked like on TV lol! But there was a marketing conference in Monaco he wanted to go to, and I was 25 and stupid and very hot at the time. I got to see gorgeous coasts, fast cars, Swedish fancy ladies, and so many fresh champagne bottles! It wasn't my life, but I got to live it for a couple weeks, and it felt fabulous. Hats off to the Milanese model who managed to get drunker than me. She needs a scout's badge for that. Good for her!
I got to be in a band during the last gasps of the Sunset Strip. My boyfriend at the time was the son of one of the Kinks (and a nephew of the other), and he was soooo aloof and cool. And for the moment we dated, I felt cool by association. I wasn't, to be sure, but I gave a great impression. And I got to write and sing some songs with some wonderful, talented artists I still respect so much. I got to live out everyone's karaoke DREAM! I got panties thrown at me onstage!!!
I got married at one point to a person I loved and respected. It was hard work, but I felt like I got to share my life with my best friend. We adopted a dog, we baked bread and brewed limoncello. We fought and hosted and did all the married things. I still think he's a wonderful, ignorant dumbass hero. All those things. He's the labrador of human beings. Someone give him a treat when he finds out, he deserves it.
I got to have my dream career! I started an opera company, and I had been dreaming of opera since I was 6 years old. I got to work with some truly breathtaking artists, producers, and let me not forget the stage managers - Oh! They were so wonderful and taught me so much about the balance between love and discipline. I got to write a show with a person who actually valued my input. I got to stand backstage in a production role on so many of my favorite shows. From SF Opera to the Met, I worked with and witnessed and loved and supported the voices that lifted my soul. I will be listening to some of them in my last moments, and they will carry me to rest, like the angels they are.
I got to make amends with my family members who care about me, and I got to release the ones who hurt me.
I got to stand up for myself and others when injustice and abuse was hurting us all. Racism, sexism, sexual abuse, homelessness. I got to help people, the greatest blessing of all. Ashley Cabe, I still love you and your baby girl. I will always think of you as a blessing in my life.
I can fully, honestly, proudly say that I did my best and can do no more.
I want to leave here with dignity and self determination. A well-designed death that will be pleasant and peaceful for me.
Don't feel sad about the years you didn't get to see me live out. Those were not my years. If I had lived them, they would have been for you. It already costs me too much to keep going on for y'all, and as much as I want to spare you pain, I have to also honor the needs of my own mind and body.
Don't be sad for me or pity me. I did GREAT with my years. I love my songs and interviews and essays and shitty, petty subtweets. My life was very, very good and exactly as long as it needed to be.
And, in the words of our mutual idol, I will always love you.
