Venting Haven't been here lately, also I'm kinda jealous of some of the people here.

[MeriDeath]

So I haven't been here lately,
And I see a lot of things have changed.
A user here I had a few words with died a couple of months ago and her sister somehow managed to reach out to me via her account. It was heartbreaking, I needed a break because Im already depressed and I didn't need to hear this, I had been there for her trying to stop her a few days before she died but I get that normal people can't really get that and only look for someone to blame.
Anyways, a little rant.
I'm really jealous of the people who know what's it like to feel loved by your significant other. At least once in your life. Jealous of the people who against all odds got to feel what's it like to be married or just attend their own wedding. Even if it's not the best relationship ever. Jealous of the people who got to have a loving mother or a father. I never got any emotional support from my parents. They never hugged me, it was always me who had to chase them to get some loving. I've never talked to them 1 on 1. Seriously. It's like they don't even know me. They don't even care in what phase of my life I am right now. I got everything prepared for ctb and they don't even know about that stuff . I just hope you guys know that although youre suicidal, you need to enjoy little things in life before you go. Knowing I will never have a boyfriend or know what it's like to be married or at least get a marriage proposal or feel what it's like to have a heart to heart conversation with my parents is really saddening me. I guess I never really deserved to have these things in my life. I don't really care about abundance and prosperity anymore. Actually, I never did. I always say justice does not exist in our world. Anyways I've got everything ready for ctb (meto, tagamet, sn) I'm not going yet but I plan to soon. Welp. That's all.

 

[Mr2005]

Hello again. If it doesn't save you then having those things is more of a hindrance than a help. I'm jealous of those for which it would. There's more hope for them even if they don't realise it

 

[MeriDeath]

Hello again. If it doesn't save you then having those things is more of a hindrance than a help. I'm jealous of those for which it would. There's more hope for them even if they don't realise it

Interesting. I don't know if I'd call it hindrance, I just wanted to feel loved. At least once in my life. And know that someone cared about me. I know it wouldn't save me tho but oh well. It's the little things in life. Although I get what you say, we all have different views on different stuff.

 

[foxdie]

I relate to this a lot. The desire to have your ride or die, best friend, etc. I always wanted a connection like that but I've never really had it. Realizing that I'll never have this due to a myriad of reasons is part of the reason I want to ctb. Welcome back but I'm sorry life has brought you here again.

 

[MeriDeath]

I relate to this a lot. The desire to have your ride or die, best friend, etc. I always wanted a connection like that but I've never really had it. Realizing that I'll never have this due to a myriad of reasons is part of the reason I want to ctb. Welcome back but I'm sorry life has brought you here again.

Thanks ! Sending you a hug.

 

[LostInSociety]

This won't help but I have a loving and supporting family, friends and wife. Still am hear looking how to end my life miserable with my existence jealous of people who don't have wat I have because in my mind it would be easy to go when knowing you won't hurt someone you care about.

 

[Mr2005]

Interesting. I don't know if I'd call it hindrance, I just wanted to feel loved. At least once in my life. And know that someone cared about me. I know it wouldn't save me tho but oh well. It's the little things in life. Although I get what you say, we all have different views on different stuff.

What you want is possible. Going back in time is not. Trust me it could be worse. At one point that's all I wanted too and never thought it would happen but it did eventually. Problem is I ruined my life so much in the meantime I just can't live with myself. I was really worrying about nothing. Now I have someone who loves me unconditionally the problem is I don't. My hatred for myself overrides my love for her. I don't deserve jack shit except death. She deserves far better. Shame I can't change the past because I could stop myself from ever having met her

 

[MeriDeath]

What you want is possible. Going back in time is not. Trust me it could be worse. At one point that's all I wanted too and never thought it would happen but it did eventually. Problem is I ruined my life so much in the meantime I just can't live with myself. I was really worrying about nothing. Now I have someone who loves me unconditionally the problem is I don't. My hatred for myself overrides my love for her. I don't deserve jack shit except death. She deserves far better. Shame I can't change the past because I could stop myself from ever having met her

I really hope you get to love yourself again and love her like you should. I'm happy you at least have that. You know I think it's the lack of love in life that brings us to the lowest places. I'm still sorry to hear that tho. I still wish I had some lovin' in my life anyways.

This won't help but I have a loving and supporting family, friends and wife. Still am hear looking how to end my life miserable with my existence jealous of people who don't have wat I have because in my mind it would be easy to go when knowing you won't hurt someone you care about.

So sorry but at the same time happy you got to experience all that. I bet you're in a better mental state than I am right now. Just so yo know, I am going to hurt someone too. But I don't care. We all gonna hurt someone eventually, Im happy you at least got the chance to experience those things before you go.

 

[Mr2005]

I hope you do too. I think you're right. I think loneliness is the most common reason for people being here. What I'm saying is make sure the thing stopping you isn't you because you'll regret it and once you're in that position nothing that might happen afterwards can make a difference

 

[grungeCat]

Hello, it's ok you feel envious. It's such an unfairness you didn't get caring parents. It's the most unfair thing in the whole universe. Every child deserves to be loved. I guess everyone envy something they lack. Honestly I also get jealous when someone writes about their wife/husband/lover or friend. Knowing these are people I lack the most I can't help getting a little frustrated. I just don't understand when someone mention them and still wants to die. I think the same thing applies to you and your sorrow regarding not being loved by your parents. We know it's just an illusion and we shouldn't judge other people's suffering. Yet we can't shake off these weird jealousy.

 

[Ghost2211]

Your name is familiar, but it think you were here during the time I was away mostly. It's good to meet you, again. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, and even more so that you had to interact with their family about it.

I can understand envying those that are loved and get married and all that. I felt that way as a child and teen as well. Without loving parents at home I warned to build my own loving family. I was too blinded by that wish, and trying to achieve it was my downfall. It's all I wanted as well.... to be loved and get to be someone wife. It didn't work out that way.

A lot of us are lonely. At least we all have each other.

 

[MeriDeath]

Hello, it's ok you feel envious. It's such an unfairness you didn't get caring parents. It's the most unfair thing in the whole universe. Every child deserves to be loved. I guess everyone envy something they lack. Honestly I also get jealous when someone writes about their wife/husband/lover or friend. Knowing these are people I lack the most I can't help getting a little frustrated. I just don't understand when someone mention them and still wants to die. I think the same thing applies to you and your sorrow regarding not being loved by your parents. We know it's just an illusion and we shouldn't judge other people's suffering. Yet we can't shake off these weird jealousy.

Exactly, I relate to this 100%. Thank you for your understanding words.

 

[TheSomebody]

I always wanted to have friends and a wife, but I will never achieve that, because my life has accumulated me so many traumas that I went into a mental state of shock, unable to do anything or relate to anyone.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I get where your coming from but as someone who has some of those things it simply isn't enough to make me want to live. Having a loving mother neither helps me feel better and her loving me is the ONLY reason I'm still alive it keeps me from dying. I am so miserable but I don't want to hurt her. So I'm really stuck. I do often feel jealous of people who find a "soul mate" though..you know those people who are married for 35 years and have a house and live a Good life. I just feel sad I'll never get that "soul mate" romantic love because of all my mental issues and trauma.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

With relationships comes other complications. You start to realize that very few people have their shit together, despite outward appearances. Not that that is a justification for the awful shit that people do to each other or an out to detract from a lack of relationships. I've just personally discovered that you just end up trading one set of problems for another set of problems. It's just about how you deal with whatever particular set of problems you're currently dealing with is what sets the tone for next period of your life.

I don't know anything about your circumstances, but I can tell you that as a 32 year old man, my mother still thinks I'm a footballing 12 year old. Parents are either selectively ignorant or just stupid when it comes to their children. Furthermore the older generations seem to be particularly stupid, in my experience.

 

[sufferingalways]

Exactly, I relate to this 100%. Thank you for your understanding words.

Hello MeriDeath

I understand exactly how you feel as I too missed out on love as a child. Caused me complex ptsd (I'll avoid adding to your rant but the pain is without words to describe)

Sorry that you didn't get love as a child either. Sending you

 

[greebo6]

So I haven't been here lately,
And I see a lot of things have changed.
A user here I had a few words with died a couple of months ago and her sister somehow managed to reach out to me via her account. It was heartbreaking, I needed a break because Im already depressed and I didn't need to hear this, I had been there for her trying to stop her a few days before she died but I get that normal people can't really get that and only look for someone to blame.
Anyways, a little rant.
I'm really jealous of the people who know what's it like to feel loved by your significant other. At least once in your life. Jealous of the people who against all odds got to feel what's it like to be married or just attend their own wedding. Even if it's not the best relationship ever. Jealous of the people who got to have a loving mother or a father. I never got any emotional support from my parents. They never hugged me, it was always me who had to chase them to get some loving. I've never talked to them 1 on 1. Seriously. It's like they don't even know me. They don't even care in what phase of my life I am right now. I got everything prepared for ctb and they don't even know about that stuff . I just hope you guys know that although youre suicidal, you need to enjoy little things in life before you go. Knowing I will never have a boyfriend or know what it's like to be married or at least get a marriage proposal or feel what it's like to have a heart to heart conversation with my parents is really saddening me. I guess I never really deserved to have these things in my life. I don't really care about abundance and prosperity anymore. Actually, I never did. I always say justice does not exist in our world. Anyways I've got everything ready for ctb (meto, tagamet, sn) I'm not going yet but I plan to soon. Welp. That's all.

I know what you mean about being jealous of people having a and being loved by their significant other. I get that feeling too....