Have you passed the despair event horizon?

[NaturalBornNEET]

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DespairEventHorizon
"The line that, once crossed, destroys any last remaining sense of hope."

have you crossed the line? do you feel your suicide is inevitable and that there's no hope of recovery in the future? or do you think recovery is a possibility and there is some hope for you? or are you going through recovery right now?

to those who have crossed the line, what was the event that triggered your despair? maybe it was multiple events or a long drawn out event like an adverse childhood


for me my despair event was finding out about my condition and that it was permanent and is the root cause of most my issues that make me suicidal

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, everything is hopeless. I have never wanted to live and nothing would ever make me want to live. I simply do not see my life as being worth living. In my case suicide is what makes sense, as it would prevent decades of meaningless suffering. I simply prefer the sound of non existence. For me the pain will only end when I die. There is not one specific event that triggered my despair, for me it is just life in general.

 

[Chiisai]

I believe Ive gone past that to the point I dont feel anything anymore. Yes, I can laugh and smile but it doesnt feel genuine as it was before. I feel its all pretend and my body is just unconsciously naturally reacting but my mind doesnt recognize it as genuine.

 

[ineedtoctb]

I believe Ive gone past that to the point I dont feel anything anymore. Yes, I can laugh and smile but it doesnt feel genuine as it was before. I feel its all pretend and my body is just unconsciously naturally reacting but my mind doesnt recognize it as genuine.

I've been experiencing this as well. I have to force myself to smile and fake laughter where everyone else is cracking up. It's so exhausting. I don't know how much more I can take

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Pretty much… But CTB Seems equally unlikely

 

[bad luck]

Yes, I have crossed that horizon several times

 

[Al_stargate]

I wish I could recover. With my situation is either accept it or kill yourself. I don't see myself lasting a couple of months yet alone decades.

 

[NSA]

I feel like if I had, then I wouldn't still be so ambivalent about going. So, no?

Idk.

 

[deathbydragon]

for me my despair event was finding out about my condition and that it was permanent and is the root cause of most my issues that make me suicidal

Pretty much this. It was nice to discover though, saves me wasting energy on working towards a 'better' life that will never happen.

 

[walt]

No, but I'm like edging on the fucking photon sphere rn.

 

[Insomniac]

For me crossing this line was scary also bevsuse it meant crossing the line to a level of cruelty and selfishness I never knew I had in me.

sometimes, when you have nothing to lose, you begin to act like it. you stop giving a fuck about morality and you can become vile. you can lose your fear of hurting others to get what you want.

to me that's the scariest part. Suffering is showing me how far I myself am really willing to go and that's sad. seeing how far I'm willing to go is sad.

 

[whatevs]

I've been experiencing this as well. I have to force myself to smile and fake laughter where everyone else is cracking up. It's so exhausting. I don't know how much more I can take

Fakelaughing is very tragic indeed. I mostly laugh genuinely now only at inside jokes from my head about ridiculous aspects of my pathetic life or the behavior or outside people in their denial of the incredibly dark situation we are all in planetarily. Bitter short laughs.

 

[sharky]

I've been experiencing this as well. I have to force myself to smile and fake laughter where everyone else is cracking up. It's so exhausting. I don't know how much more I can take

Same. But I can't even fake laughter anymore.

 

[ScaredToLive]

Yes, yesterday after my imprisonment for basically nothing. I'm fearful in my own home. I would like to die

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

Yes, yesterday after my imprisonment for basically nothing. I'm fearful in my own home. I would like to die

I saw your thread on it. I'm sorry the police took away your kratom that you use for anxiety, and then put you in a situation that has put your anxiety on overdrive, so cruel. some countries have such stupid laws

 

[its-about-time]

I think it was mostly long and drawn out, it's felt inevitable for a long time. But my majorly failed attempt in November was the final push I think. I've been set on ctb after recovering mentally from a shitty hospitalization, and I resolved to not tell anybody this time. My previous suicide mindset was hoping to be rescued. I've abandoned that notion. I think that's the biggest difference. I either want to do it successfully, or if I choose to keep trying, not tell a soul that I'm thinking about it.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I don't know anymore, but I think I've crossed some line that there's no coming back from. I do see suicide as inevitable unless I'm able to drop everything I'm currently doing in my life and trade it for a completely different life with less stressors. But the guilt of doing that could very well kill me too.

I've always seen my life as a slow decay, and my memory blurs so I forget exact events as precisely as I used to. So I don't remember when but there was one event in high school when I left all my friends and wholeheartedly dove in to attempting. I feel I never truly recovered from that but I gave life a shot for a bit and met someone I wanted to be with that made it feel like it was worth trying... she ghosted me eventually and that killed me internally, and broke me for a long time. Then she came back, but ended up doing it again, and I fell for the pattern a third time - told her to not bother if she wasn't serious, but this last time it just faded away as I couldn't try anymore and I knew I would focus more on offing myself than relationships and that's felt like some line I crossed as well since I just can't care for people as deeply as I used to. Related to her I had made a great friend who was always way too nice to me and when I decided I would kill myself with near certainty, I left her - that felt like a line too, that I was the type of person I never wanted to be and I can't change that, nothing will make it better. It only helps a bit to know that if I stayed in contact my downfall and eventual demise around her would most likely hurt her mental state far worse than not knowing for sure. At least I tell myself that. It's all just piling on and now I'm just continually becoming more and more of something I don't want to be and despise. I'm getting close to a point where I will hurt people and won't even feel much, and I don't want to do that. I just want to hurt myself one last time and be free of this existence. I don't want to hurt anyone else and I'm tired of always hurting myself.

I'd honestly love to give up both my jobs and stop caring about money and appearances and just sleep a few days completely without consequence and see if that changed anything. I don't think it would - I think I'd end up right back at this point, but less functioning and others would know how badly off I am. I don't know if it's worth it to break enough that others see I need help when knowing myself even if right now I'm tempted to wish for recovery, later I'll just attempt again or wish I had. I just want a nice, peaceful, eternal sleep.

 

[BrokenLine]

Yes, several times.

 

[Rational man]

I crossed the line when my autoimmune disease developed. A simple choice was made:

1 Die quickly on my terms in a controlled setting.
2 Out of control painful and protracted disease inflicted death, whilst doctor's administer futile drugs and.processes to prolong the utter torture of clinging to a diseased and rotting body.

given the choice, it didnt take long.