Have you found that being suicidal for a long time has made you a bolder person in life?

[Ambivalent1]

I think the two go together.

"In light of death, nothing matters." So why not ask out that girl? Or do that one thing?

 

[Nangijala]

In some sense it does, many things that may seem important to many people seem trivial to me when feeling suicidal, making me worry less about those things than one normally would. At the same time I mainly have CTB reasons related to guilt and these feelings intensify when I feel at my worst, where I feel terrible guilt just going out and talking to people or even worse when I feel like I am connecting with someone and feel like I am deceiving them because it might not be obvious I should not be cared about/treated as a human.

 

[bFre3]

I wouldn't say bolder, but it definitely has changed me.

In a way, I've just become accustomed to accepting things, since I know I'll be gone sooner or later. I don't tend to hold grudges against people and try my best to assume the best, with the exception of the person who made me want to CTB in the first place... but even then, I believe these feelings come from my own weakness, and I'm also partially at fault as well. The only person I truly hate is myself.

But I've definitely not become any bolder. I spend most of my time just 'being here' for now, if that makes any sense. I don't really pursue things for the long term, not because I don't want to, but because what's the point anymore?

 

[Hellonearth]

Yes and no. My fear of embarrassment in social situations has definitely decreased. I'm not afraid of being myself around others anymore, telling people that I feel like shit when asked the generic question: "how are you doing?" Besides that, I've always tried to supress my autistic traits around others, and to be fair I was always pretty good at it. Now I don't see the point in expending energy by pretending to be someone I'm not, which can lead to some pretty awkward situations, but I don't care.

But then, my expectations of life are very, very low. I lack the enthusiasm or energy to do anything that's "bold". I know that asking a girl out or going backpacking in Vietnam won't lead to anything meaningful, so why bother?

But I will admit that the more I make my peace with the prospect of death the more liberated I feel in a way. The most difficult thing for me is going through cycles of hope and utter despair. The contrast is pure psychological torture.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not really. I'm a cowardly custard over plenty of things. I guess I've started over a few times. Moved hundreds of miles to places I knew no one to start new jobs. That's sort of brave I guess. I'm no dare devil though. I have no interest in injuring myself.

 

[HereTomorrow]

For certain things, like reaching for rare opportunities and hanging out. I'd like to cater happiness to the few people who care about me.

As of doing something dangerous like walking the streets without looking, not really. I think being aware of how permanent some injuries are from suicide attempts has made me more cautious about being injured IRL so when/if I want to do it, I have a clear mind and a healthy body to do it with.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Lately yes, but moreso for more outlandish dangerous thrill seeking things.

 

[astr4]

only in terms of my drug use. i'm still a pussy when it comes to interpersonal shit lol or anything that involves putting myself out there.

 

[FujoshiNeet]

yeah. I flew out to another state and fucked a guy I met here. The whole time I was just like he could SA and kill me and I just felt whatever about it. Before my deteriorated mental state I was a virgin and timid about all this shit, now I'm just like I guess I can be a whore. Who cares.
Also dropped acid recently when I would have been way too scared to do it before. I just don't care anymore.

 

[halleyscomet]

Oh definitely, I was suicidal from the age of around 8 or 9, most of my decisions in life have revolved around the fact that I'm going to ctb. I used to have crippling anxiety about everything, but after my first attempt I stopped caring.

It's a double edged sword. On one hand it has made life a lot more easier, I don't worry about the mundane things, I take more opportunities which makes life a lot more exciting. On the other hand it has caused me to do a lot of stupid shit, I do a lot of risky behaviour because I have no care if I live or die, this has caused me to get SA'd, abused, and other traumatic things.

It does make some things easier, but the trauma it causes outweighs any positives. But it's irreversible, I've lived like this for too long, my SI is practically non existent now. The only way to avoid getting abused again is to shut myself in at home, but I can't live like that for too long it's just too lonely.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, not really. I'm just the same and I'll always be the same regardless

 

[ddmmbb9696]

Im the opposite. I think why do it, why bother.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Yes, but it made me a terrible person. I let my trauma turn me into a monster.

 

[DeathKitty]

Definitely yeah, I've become more reckless, braver, more careless. Idc what happens to me anymore

 

[Ambivalent1]

Yes, but it made me a terrible person. I let my trauma turn me into a monster.

I can't wait to become pure evil

 

[thealteredmind]

no difference. still the same coward as always.

 

[Z-A]

It didn't change me at all. Dealing with pain the same way as I did before. A website can't really do anything ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

So why not ask out that girl? Or do that one thing?

I spent my whole life asking out girls (between relationships) and doing many things but a sudden onset degenerative condition has turned me into a walking corpse unable to please or feel pleasure. If not for that I wouldn't be suicidal.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Not really. My suicidality is chiefly caused by my inherent cowardice so it can't have any effect on my boldness or lack thereof.