Have you ever wanted to live?

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I cannot remember ever wanting to live. I have no positive memories of the past, everything is either painful, miserable, boring or just forgettable. Even when I was very young I found death to be comforting and I knew that is what I wanted. I have never been able to cope with life, and I have always seen life as being stressful and tiring. I know that I am not meant for this world. I have no idea what it would be like, to want to live, to actually enjoy life. There is so much dread for the future and there is nothing to look forward to. It has always felt wrong, me being alive. I know I will never want to exist in a life filled with so much suffering. Overall, I can never understand people who want to live. Nothing would ever make me want to stay alive, but that is just the way I am personally. All I want is to forget about this life and finally be at peace.

 

[WadeingThru]

Yes

 

[Manaaja]

I want to live everyday. It's just that I don't want to live this kind of life or in this world.

 

[Darkover]

i hate human life because it's dreadful with unlimited potential for suffering, but i would want to live on my own terms

human memory absolutely shit it would be good if i could read something and remeber it word for word without any problems like a computer
i would want my own world to inhabit with unlimited computational power, with the ability to completely re engineer the machine that i am
to be completely independent and to die only at a time of my choosing, all kinds of thing i want to do but never will be able to once this life is over thats it end of everything for all time, it's really a disappointing life and universe on offer here. the only real thing i regret about my life is not having a enough sex that's what's so disappointing but hey it's selfish to bring another person into this cruel world at least i didn't' make that mistake again.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I wanted to live until age 14 now I don't want to anymore

 

[katagiri83]

There is so much dread for the future and there is nothing to look forward to. It has always felt wrong, me being alive. I know I will never want to exist in a life filled with so much suffering.

@LeavingForever, think I can understand. Apart from the sufferings, any hope for happiness can also be frightening or fear-inducing, thus turning such thoughts into a negative-feedback loop.

For you, is it the idea of simply not wanting to exist / becoming self-aware? Or is it the condition of life itself? Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

Wish you can find some relief from such repetitive dreads.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

Borderline. The question is, will I finally find a path of my own?

 

[GreenTree]

Yes. I loved living. Don't anymore though. The world would be better with me dead.

 

[Al Cappella]

Absolutely, yes. I still do to an extent, despite watching dreams and years slip away feeling I have no bloody control over anything. See, when I'm away from ppl I tend to feel ok. It's when I'm around them that I freeze up & things turn to shit. I kid you not, I've been 10 feet from a wild bear and my heart rate never changed—but get me in a grocery store and I turn into a mush-brained, hyperventilating moron…

 

[Leiden]

Yes, and I would give anything to go back to that time when I wanted to live, where I was happy, where I had hope and goals and a life. I have always had depression, but that was familiar to me, like an old friend. I knew how to combat that. I never in a trillion years could have known that my life would get this bad. I've seen both sides of the coin. I wish I was dead every second, of every minute, of every hour of every day now. I can never except my life the way it is now and there is no hope of it ever getting better. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

 

[Of The Universe]

Hell yes,after my first bout with suicide ideation,I came back and was doing well,but my problems caught up with me. Now there is no going back to Joie de vivre!!!

 

[Yann]

Borderline. The question is, will I finally find a path of my own?

I am struggling with this personally. I have finally set a date to end it, but I have never found myself questioning it more. I have hated being alive since adolescence, but ever since I picked a date, suddenly I have begun wondering if someday I would find a reason to live if I kept going... Even though I know I have exhausted every option.

So tired.

 

[S like Siren]

Rather than talking about the will to live I would say that before I existed and I kept going on every day because this is how things work,how humans do ... then when depression chose me things changed ... but I would not say that I have felt this great desire to live etc...i was just breathing,existing...doing the things i had to do,going to school,do my homeworks etc...

 

[Marktheghost]

Live? I've never been given that option.

 

[FuneralCry]

@LeavingForever, think I can understand. Apart from the sufferings, any hope for happiness can also be frightening or fear-inducing, thus turning such thoughts into a negative-feedback loop.

For you, is it the idea of simply not wanting to exist / becoming self-aware? Or is it the condition of life itself? Interested to hear your thoughts on this.

Wish you can find some relief from such repetitive dreads.

Well, for me there is no hope for happiness. I know that things will eventually get worse for me and in this life there is so much that can potentially go wrong. To me living is terrifying. It is both the condition of life and simply not wanting to exist. I am horrified that so much suffering exists, and I also just want non existence, I want nothing to do with life at all. To me, I prefer the sound of sleeping forever to living a miserable life.

 

[katagiri83]

I kid you not, I've been 10 feet from a wild bear and my heart rate never changed—but get me in a grocery store and I turn into a mush-brained, hyperventilating moron…

I relate to this personally 100%, in which I could be 1000ft+ on a cliff face & found my solace yet sometimes now it's hard to make a call on the phone (and many other similar scenarios).

Well, for me there is no hope for happiness. I know that things will eventually get worse for me and in this life there is so much that can potentially go wrong. To me living is terrifying. It is both the condition of life and simply not wanting to exist. I am horrified that so much suffering exists, and I also just want non existence, I want nothing to do with life at all. To me, I prefer the sound of sleeping forever to living a miserable life.

I can understand @LeavingForever. Well, I hope at least you can find some distractions sometimes.

 

[Conker]

I want to live everyday. It's just that I don't want to live this kind of life or in this world.

Pretty much, I genuinely have no desire for these hijacked timelines.

But if we're talking about escaping to the true Earth with no amnesia or time warps?
Sign me up, get us out of here I cannot stand these psychotic cowardly tyrants and their money worshipping deadbeat mutants.

 

[Niirvana]

I want to die since I'm 13 years old, I don't want to be trapped in this thing they call life, it's absurd. Someone kill me please

 

[sadanon3]

Long time ago

 

[som1]

yes, when I was younger but now I can only see the disappointment in my future. betrayal from others and from myself. Life is too long anyway, I could never see myself living decades while im dead inside. It is too tiring anyway.

 

[Hurt]

Yes. Before my life got bad. Now there are only worries and no enjoyment. No point in living for me.

 

[Un-]

I'm in a position in my life, where most people would love to be. I still want to die though, even if I think of my death less.

Overall, I can never understand people who want to live. Nothing would ever make me want to stay alive, but that is just the way I am personally. All I want is to forget about this life and finally be at peace.

I agree with this sentiment, although my suicidality has nothing to do with how life has treated me, but everything to do with life being a thing and me having to live out this thing in existential dread. I have a lack of sympathy for people on this forum for this specific reason, actually. Many people have a reason as to want to die, whilst I don't. Life has been far from great, but were it perfect, still would I dream of death daily.

 

[Nightmare Painting]

I don't ever remember wanting to be alive at any point in my life. I've never had that "dormant will & drive" that Pete Walker brings up in his book and at this point I frankly don't want it. My entire life felt like I was trudging through a lake made up of piss & shit while both my ankles were sprained and who would want to live through that?

 

[PrawnCocktail]

Maybe when I was a child, but that was me not knowing it was okay to die rather than wanting to live.

 

[hopelessgirl]

Yes. Till I was about 23

 

[western_heart]

yup, when I was a kid I wanted to live forever.

Sometimes I still want to live, when the dissociation isn't too severe, I know this because someone occasionally writes "I want to live" in my journal. I haven't gone back to count, but I probably write "I want to die" more often...

 

[Nemeshisu]

Rather than talking about the will to live I would say that before I existed and I kept going on every day because this is how things work,how humans do ... then when depression chose me things changed ... but I would not say that I have felt this great desire to live etc...i was just breathing,existing...doing the things i had to do,going to school,do my homeworks etc...

I relate to this so much...before I started actively longing for death, I always just kinda just did things everyone else was doing without much understanding why I am even doing them...but I never had that "i love life and I am scared to die" attitude that many people without depression have.

 

[whatevs]

Even you wanted to live, which is why you were born. Not the you of right now, but the intent manifested through sexual relations, gametes, your struggle to be born and etc. There is nobody alive that did not at some point lust for existence, because that is the quintessential cause of existing

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

In my case, I cannot remember ever wanting to live. I have no positive memories of the past, everything is either painful, miserable, boring or just forgettable. Even when I was very young I found death to be comforting and I knew that is what I wanted. I have never been able to cope with life, and I have always seen life as being stressful and tiring. I know that I am not meant for this world. I have no idea what it would be like, to want to live, to actually enjoy life. There is so much dread for the future and there is nothing to look forward to. It has always felt wrong, me being alive. I know I will never want to exist in a life filled with so much suffering. Overall, I can never understand people who want to live. Nothing would ever make me want to stay alive, but that is just the way I am personally. All I want is to forget about this life and finally be at peace.

Yeah i was once a young brainwashed chimp and didn't really know anything real just reacting like an animal never thought about suicide and feared Death and thought i wanted to live .

i learned reasoned and now see that Death is non-existence forever and that means no pain forever , no suffering forever, no problems forever and that's what i want is for this torture chamber this prison they call a human body that i'm inprisoned in to die.

Just think i was brought into this body without my consent. then suddenly i'm responsible for carrying around this same animal carcass , feeding it , sheltering etc, constantly hungry 30 trillion cells all wanting protein for DNA sythesis ... Every where you go there you are the same animal body , ugggh

imo i agree with Dr. Bruce Lipton , we are programmed especially from ages 0-7 to have many false beliefs.

 

[Sherri]

Yes i always wanted to live and was extremely happy all of my life until this anxiety and depression came and all that comes with it, even so I want to live and hope at least I'm able to find the strength To do it.