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Braindead Atheist

Braindead Atheist

Specialist
Oct 7, 2020
387
I've wanted to be someone else for a while. I hate my life with a passion. I'm retarded and have mood disorders and pcos. I see all these posts qnd pictures of other people I went to school with who are achieving their dreams and or enjoying sorority life. They have always belonged and I never did. They were always winners and continue to win and don't try nearly as hard as me. My life has been one traumatic experience after another and I can't do it anymore. I think the universe exists just to spite me. I can't take it anymore. I bought a rope and tied a noose. I have also found the place. I just need to find the right time. I'm scared but I know it's the right choice. Can anyone provide me any comfort?
 
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forgotten15

forgotten15

Specialist
Aug 24, 2021
332
I understand you. I always wished I had a different life, mine is just pain and trauma from the past. I often look at other peoples' lives who are so full of joy and peace, I wonder why I mever got to experience that. I am broken in so many ways and no matter what would happen my life just can't be fixed, I am how I am, I will never find happiness, I am an outcast, always alone.
I am scared too, but I know I have nothing here to stay for, I have an empty life and it's clear to me I am not designed for this world. But it's hard to accept it and SI is definitely not helping. I have SN and I think i will soon take my life. I have gotten to a point where I have no power to go on. Everything is pointless. Constant suffering and emptiness.
I am sorry you are going through a similar situation, I know it hurts.
I am curious, why is you method hanging? To me that is a very torturing method.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,328
It is perfectly understandable wanting a different life when you hate the one you have. In my case, I do not want any life, I only want non existence. I have no interest in living. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I know that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. Life can be very cruel and unfair. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
 
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Braindead Atheist

Braindead Atheist

Specialist
Oct 7, 2020
387
I understand you. I always wished I had a different life, mine is just pain and trauma from the past. I often look at other peoples' lives who are so full of joy and peace, I wonder why I mever got to experience that. I am broken in so many ways and no matter what would happen my life just can't be fixed, I am how I am, I will never find happiness, I am an outcast, always alone.
I am scared too, but I know I have nothing here to stay for, I have an empty life and it's clear to me I am not designed for this world. But it's hard to accept it and SI is definitely not helping. I have SN and I think i will soon take my life. I have gotten to a point where I have no power to go on. Everything is pointless. Constant suffering and emptiness.
I am sorry you are going through a similar situation, I know it hurts.
I am curious, why is you method hanging? To me that is a very torturing method.
I don't have anything else. Where did you get your SN?
 
Braindead Atheist

Braindead Atheist

Specialist
Oct 7, 2020
387
sorry for your pain, I know it's not gonna help much but mine came from guess what, Ukraine. 2 years ago, lovely seller, even seller meto.
What happened?
 
H

HappyForever?

Love from the deepest dream
Feb 14, 2021
326
Yes definitely. I've always wished to be capable of being loved. I would really like to be someone who has never struggled with love. If I had someone who had a crush on me back in high school I wouldn't have ended up here.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
21,392
Nobody specific but I have always wanted to trade up so to speak. Even so though, I feel like my life itself is in a fairly good position it just needs someone whose mindset hasn't rotted to oblivion. Sometimes I wish I could really give my life circumstances away to someone who'd use it better than I ever would, which would be most people.
 
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Al Cappella

Al Cappella

Are we there yet?
Feb 2, 2022
888
I've wanted to be Nigel Short. Not nearly as famous as Kasparov or Carslen, but still really solid. Write chess books when not in tournaments, teach—that's a life. I'd be different, though, and play the Sicilian in reverse with white. Love closed games…they're like urban warfare…But. I'm not nearly clever enough…
 
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LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Apr 27, 2019
2,170
Not quite, it's not that I wanted to actually take over someone else's exact life or circumstances, I wouldn't want to give up my core identity, it's just that I have to be honest with myself in desiring the privileges and means afforded to others who get to a similar position in life that I may have dreamed of, or needed in order to survive. And these sort of things aren't usually exclusive to one individual, so it's not as simple as wanting any one person's life, just the tools to cultivate my own.

Still, I do relate and especially understand the thought of the universe existing just to spite me, my life has been the definition of a cruel joke, it's awful that you have to experience something similar.
It's like we fight so hard and practically break ourselves in two, only to get one small step closer to the the starting line, meanwhile others have shot out of the gate, as they had been given a head start, with supportive cheers, and high-end kicks, already making laps around us. It's defeating. Taunting on top of the inherent torture of living this way.
 
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C

CowsAreCool

Student
Sep 21, 2021
149
I wish I was a little kid. Frequently. I feel like a little kid. In my emotions, in my anxieties. I wish I could cry over spilled milk, and have it be acceptable. I wish I had someone to tuck me in.

Yet here I am as a full grown adult, trying my best to hide who I am.

I also frequently wish I was a successful athlete. Someone with lots of friends, no need to work, and excellent fitness. I have friend who are natural athletes, and I occasionally imagine if I were them. But I'm not.
 
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Superdeterminist

Superdeterminist

Enlightened
Apr 5, 2020
1,875
Yes absolutely. There are certain people who seem to enjoy their lives and it makes sense because their lives seem really good at least compared to mine. I envy these people a lot.
 
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...

...

crippled with grief
Nov 8, 2021
335
guess I wouldn't mind having Daniel Craig's life or something
 
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Braindead Atheist

Braindead Atheist

Specialist
Oct 7, 2020
387
I wish I was a little kid. Frequently. I feel like a little kid. In my emotions, in my anxieties. I wish I could cry over spilled milk, and have it be acceptable. I wish I had someone to tuck me in.

Yet here I am as a full grown adult, trying my best to hide who I am.

I also frequently wish I was a successful athlete. Someone with lots of friends, no need to work, and excellent fitness. I have friend who are natural athletes, and I occasionally imagine if I were them. But I'm not.
I wish I were a world class or olyimpic gymnast
 
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KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,803
You have to keep in mind that people tend to only highlight their gains on social media, rather than their losses. If it's any consolation, most people, especially acquaintances from school, are going to hide the negative aspects of their lives from public view.

Glossy polaroids of sorority parties may be hiding some sinister insecurities or random life turmoil brewing in the background, so even our idols may not truly have the glamorous lifestyles they portray in their posts and photographs. I can't help but think though, that even if things aren't perfect, their lives are still far better than mine and I would much prefer to be ensconced in those dreamy distractions than have no memories I can reflect upon fondly.

I can really relate to that deep seated feeling of envy when you're forced to watch other people having the time of their lives, while you're deprived of those pivotal moments that you crave. You're not alone in this. There are so many people whom I wish I could swap places with, if even for a day, just so I could understand how it feels to be an average uni student with a normal life.

There was an online friend I used to have- originating from an autism chat room- who I really admired. To this day, I'm still pretty jealous of the life she's built for herself. She grew up in the suburbs of an american city and lived the classic high school life you saw in movies, doing sports after school and going to prom and hanging out with friends.

Despite having the same weirdcore terminally online sense of humor as me, she's quite extroverted and is a magnet for other cool, esoteric, interesting people. She excels in her studies to the point where her degree is paid for by a scholarship fund, parties almost daily, and gets to live in a spacious house with all her best friends. That's the sort of life I'd kill for.

Almost everyday I feel such a horrible despair knowing that I've lost my youth to bad circumstances, disease, abuse, and simply spawning in an unfavorable location to family who were deeply ashamed that I was a weirdo and a freak.
 
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CiproKilledMe

CiproKilledMe

Experienced
Mar 23, 2021
243
I would take just about anyone else's life.
 
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Braindead Atheist

Braindead Atheist

Specialist
Oct 7, 2020
387
Yes absolutely. There are certain people who seem to enjoy their lives and it makes sense because their lives seem really good at least compared to mine. I envy these people a lot.
Aka, everyone I went to school with.
 

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