GuyOnInternet
Member
- Oct 26, 2024
- 7
Even if it looks like venting, I mostly want to stay focused on the general topic of the question, I just tried to explain why this question means to me so much, ty.
Hi, three weeks ago I had ordered razor blades, but my friend had talked me out of collecting the parcel, eventually I ordered supposedly really sharp razor blades just the day after, then around two weeks ago or so I took a knife and tried to cut, yet it was too dull to do any real damage, I was very frustrated, later same day, razor blades I ordered arrived, I made a relatively deep cut to my wrist somehow not hitting any vein, and since last week I have been SH pretty much daily, I just see it as my CTB way, even if it is arguably probably not the best way to CTB, so razor blades were not enough for me anymore and I now switching to scalpels, I had tried ones from my suture practice kit just yesterday to see how sharp scalpel really is, I am kind of happy with the result, I bought other scalpel blades earlier specifically for cutting and I am planning to use them somewhere in future.
Some of my friends had left me for my destructive behavior, some stayed, and some tried to talk me out, but only one decided to help me somehow.
The most impactful time someone left me was when my ex had broken up with me completely after I tried to CTB in the kitchen one day after I had a mental breakdown, she even went as far as to call the police on me and tried to say nasty stuff about me, she went pretty far that day, I am not even sure what she tried to tell to officers, like or what was the real plan was behind it. And earlier that year I tried to CTB which led to my ex breaking our engagement or putting it to a halt. I had been hurt for months and spent months just lying in my bed at home, doing nothing after that.
Other friends who had stayed every time with me, told me that my ex was rather abusive and toxic and it was not big of a loss, they tried to talk me out of CTB, and no my relationship have nothing to do with the fact of me wanting CTB. They tried to convince me that I should not do CTB, but I did not really have any of it.
One friend told me to stop cutting myself or they will stop being friends with me and even become an enemy of mine, but what do I care?
I didn't stop for my ex. We were going to be married, ffs. We were engaged, but then the engagement was put to a halt, and then we broke up. We were not together anymore and eventually stopped even being friends. We were just two weirdly connected people.
I just can't fight my demons and can't fight my C-PTSD, nor do I see any reason to go on, I had lost everything and everyone now, so nothing of value had left. And destroyed much more, after all, I performed an act of auto castration by ethanol injection.
I am not even telling my friends much anymore. I sometimes tell them that I cut myself a week or two later or don't tell at all. I can't give them promises, I tried to give a promise once, and I did keep it for some time until eventually I wasn't keeping it anymore. At best I promise that I will try, but can't promise I won't.
I gave them my address so they would call the police when I try to CTB, and while I told them so I could be saved, I think what I meant was so that my corpse wouldn't rot for way too long there, I don't plan to be saved.
I plan to cut at least like
and hopefully eventually be done with it.
All of my last problems are caused by my own self-destructive behavior, I don't think I can ever stop hating myself. I keep being stuck, the only thing that makes me feel better and feel real somehow is when I cut myself.
Have you ever felt that you just can't stop?
Hi, three weeks ago I had ordered razor blades, but my friend had talked me out of collecting the parcel, eventually I ordered supposedly really sharp razor blades just the day after, then around two weeks ago or so I took a knife and tried to cut, yet it was too dull to do any real damage, I was very frustrated, later same day, razor blades I ordered arrived, I made a relatively deep cut to my wrist somehow not hitting any vein, and since last week I have been SH pretty much daily, I just see it as my CTB way, even if it is arguably probably not the best way to CTB, so razor blades were not enough for me anymore and I now switching to scalpels, I had tried ones from my suture practice kit just yesterday to see how sharp scalpel really is, I am kind of happy with the result, I bought other scalpel blades earlier specifically for cutting and I am planning to use them somewhere in future.
Some of my friends had left me for my destructive behavior, some stayed, and some tried to talk me out, but only one decided to help me somehow.
The most impactful time someone left me was when my ex had broken up with me completely after I tried to CTB in the kitchen one day after I had a mental breakdown, she even went as far as to call the police on me and tried to say nasty stuff about me, she went pretty far that day, I am not even sure what she tried to tell to officers, like or what was the real plan was behind it. And earlier that year I tried to CTB which led to my ex breaking our engagement or putting it to a halt. I had been hurt for months and spent months just lying in my bed at home, doing nothing after that.
Other friends who had stayed every time with me, told me that my ex was rather abusive and toxic and it was not big of a loss, they tried to talk me out of CTB, and no my relationship have nothing to do with the fact of me wanting CTB. They tried to convince me that I should not do CTB, but I did not really have any of it.
One friend told me to stop cutting myself or they will stop being friends with me and even become an enemy of mine, but what do I care?
I didn't stop for my ex. We were going to be married, ffs. We were engaged, but then the engagement was put to a halt, and then we broke up. We were not together anymore and eventually stopped even being friends. We were just two weirdly connected people.
I just can't fight my demons and can't fight my C-PTSD, nor do I see any reason to go on, I had lost everything and everyone now, so nothing of value had left. And destroyed much more, after all, I performed an act of auto castration by ethanol injection.
I am not even telling my friends much anymore. I sometimes tell them that I cut myself a week or two later or don't tell at all. I can't give them promises, I tried to give a promise once, and I did keep it for some time until eventually I wasn't keeping it anymore. At best I promise that I will try, but can't promise I won't.
I gave them my address so they would call the police when I try to CTB, and while I told them so I could be saved, I think what I meant was so that my corpse wouldn't rot for way too long there, I don't plan to be saved.
I plan to cut at least like
and hopefully eventually be done with it.
All of my last problems are caused by my own self-destructive behavior, I don't think I can ever stop hating myself. I keep being stuck, the only thing that makes me feel better and feel real somehow is when I cut myself.
Have you ever felt that you just can't stop?
