Have this weird habit

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I don't know. I just want to feel smth. Some kind of shock of (positive/negative) stimulation.

I know it's really weird but I read p a lot. Or I watch wpd (not bc it gives me pleasure/dopamine but it gives cortisol/adrenaline)

I don't know why I'm like this. Doing regular stuff whether it's normal entertainment like books or YouTube or Netflix or music - I just feel bland and feel like it's a waste of time. My attention span is short too, maybe bc of lack of interest. I need smth to grab my attention so I guess I crave an instant stimulus.

Life usually is so boring. Work or even talking to people bc I don't have a personality but I'm not interested in anything to actually develop a personality. I tried but it's still a chore.

I'm just dissatisfied. I want to feel "alive". I just don't know why I'm doing what I'm expected to do in life if I feel like a zombie daily.

I'm not sad lately. But I feel nervous when I'm outside where people are around. Somehow I have violent thoughts. I am filled with anger and hatred just seeing people. I want to be alone completely. Being in bed under the blankets is not enough. I just want to crawl into a dark box. I know it's an extreme thought but I recall smth about how monks they'd be put underground and have a little pipe for oxygen and ring the bell to alert that they're still alive I think. And once they're completely dead, the oxygen pipe thing is removed. I don't know where I read this and what it is called. I'd lowkey want to just not see people at all or be in a place where people might enter or I could hear their voices or footsteps or literally anything like people driving cars.

I don't know. I just have these two feelings/desires. And it makes me uneasy I guess. I don't know any possible non generic solutions.

 

[Agon321]

I know that feeling. Emptiness mixed with helplessness, sadness, anger and indifference. The desire to live, but some invisible blockage prevents it. I completely understand your frustration and in my mind I also imagine myself in some completely isolated place. This state is, in my opinion, worse than total sadness or total anger. This is something absurd. The feeling of wanting everything and nothing at the same time. I can only say that I sympathize and understand very much.

 

[Moburin 29]

I feel you there. I had developed social anxiety in teenage years. Each time going outside was followed by severe distress. After many years of this shit I think my body tried to defend itself and shut discomfort down. So now my life 90% apathy and 10% anxiety attacks. As a result I lost interest in old hobbies and lost contact with old friends.

I'm not personally hunting for adrenaline rush, because a minute of life makes coming to depressing reality even worse. So I need something more permanent.

I am currently trying to deal with reasons that trigger anxiety and to read book on recovery from emotional numbness. Not sure if it will work, but it's the best way I can think of for now.

But yeah. If you are searching for advise on activities, maybe something like attending rope parks or rope jumping? Pretty good at getting high adrenaline. Or any place with people is out of option?

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I feel you there. I had developed social anxiety in teenage years. Each time going outside was followed by severe distress. After many years of this shit I think my body tried to defend itself and shut discomfort down. So now my life 90% apathy and 10% anxiety attacks. As a result I lost interest in old hobbies and lost contact with old friends.

I'm not personally hunting for adrenaline rush, because a minute of life makes coming to depressing reality even worse. So I need something more permanent.

I am currently trying to deal with reasons that trigger anxiety and to read book on recovery from emotional numbness. Not sure if it will work, but it's the best way I can think of for now.

But yeah. If you are searching for advise on activities, maybe something like attending rope parks or rope jumping? Pretty good at getting high adrenaline. Or any place with people is out of option?

The thing is I'm really lazy. Other than attending classes and getting homework done and doing laundry and showering, I don't have much energy for anything else. I have a bad habit of just not eating enough. I either drink water or eat crackers when I feel worse than usual like now but I actually haven't done either of those now bc I haven't brushed my teeth yet and it's 4:20 pm. So what I'm saying is exercising is too tiring that I can't afford energy for the mandatory things. And besides if I leave my room or leave the building to exercise, there is bound to be people around

 

[Moburin 29]

Well it doesn't sound to me that you are being lazy. It feels more like sign of depression or apathy. But in any case don't be too hard on yourself.

Maybe its result from parental or general social pressure, but we somehow always think that we should tick all the boxes. We should go to school/university/work, have household in order, normal relationship with people and other bullcrap.

It's good to be active, but there is nothing wrong with taking it one thing at a time.