After new attempts to fix my keyboard it still has issues.
I think I am kind obsessed by my own suicide I think about it everyday and ruminate how I could avoid it. I don't really see a good way out though.
There were some events that shaped my relation to suicide and death.
Of course the abuse that happened. I think due to the domestic violence I had some fantasies to violently punish me. Though I recognized hurting myself just makes me feel way worse. At least when I do it physically.
Many people say the childhood has huge influence on your worldview and development, And mine was quite brutal. Not sure whether this is fully scientific and to which degree the childhood is decisive. The teenage years probably have a big impact too. Though these years were for me nightmarish too.
I think I internalized many things my parents told me. I always wanted to be a good kid that listens to his parents. I was punished nevertheless quite arbitrarily.
The first time I really thought about suicide was I think when my mom and dad talked about catastrophes. I think there was a storm and my parents read it in the newspaper. My mom said something like if there is such a huge catastrophe we would search protection in the basement. And she would take medication with her so that they can euthanize the children peacefully in case the catastrophe became apocalyptic.
To be honest I don't blame my mom for saying that. The abuse was way worse and left way more damage. But I think due to her remarks I associated suicide as a peaceful and easy way out if things became ugly. Maybe I overestimate the impact of her remarks. I am not sure maybe it is just accidental. I think I can trace the impact of the abuse way more accurately.
But due to fictional series and remarks of stupid people I thought suicide was easy. In some series they just take sleeping pills and alcohol and then they are dead. I was so naive.
Then there was my first suicidal thought. I had an argument with my mom in the car. She screamed at me. And I thought why not jumping out of the car. We were on a highway. When I realized this was a suicidal thought I felt guilty, bad and maybe a little bit dirty. I sometimes visited church and often they portray suicide there as immoral. I was a conservative when I was a teenager. When I had suicidal thoughts I felt guilty and maybe evil for it. I thought maybe I deserve it (quite an unnecessary thought) and I was anxious about hell. During my first major depression I felt so anxious about hell. I had horrible nightmares about getting punished for it. My halfway religious education made me feel way worse when I experienced severe suicidality. When I read more atheism this could comfort me and alleviate my pain a little bit. I could not name a single event that shaped my relation to religion. I think I had the naive notion God was fair and if I was well-behaved I would get rewarded. The opposite happened though.
My opinion on assisted suicide was shaped when we talked about it in religious class. I wrote a long thread about it once.I was quite savvy and destroyed some people who were fully against assisted suicide. I was kind of a contrarian at that time. Even my religious teacher was impressed by my line of argumentation.
Can you name some events that shaped your views on suicide?
I think I am kind obsessed by my own suicide I think about it everyday and ruminate how I could avoid it. I don't really see a good way out though.
There were some events that shaped my relation to suicide and death.
Of course the abuse that happened. I think due to the domestic violence I had some fantasies to violently punish me. Though I recognized hurting myself just makes me feel way worse. At least when I do it physically.
Many people say the childhood has huge influence on your worldview and development, And mine was quite brutal. Not sure whether this is fully scientific and to which degree the childhood is decisive. The teenage years probably have a big impact too. Though these years were for me nightmarish too.
I think I internalized many things my parents told me. I always wanted to be a good kid that listens to his parents. I was punished nevertheless quite arbitrarily.
The first time I really thought about suicide was I think when my mom and dad talked about catastrophes. I think there was a storm and my parents read it in the newspaper. My mom said something like if there is such a huge catastrophe we would search protection in the basement. And she would take medication with her so that they can euthanize the children peacefully in case the catastrophe became apocalyptic.
To be honest I don't blame my mom for saying that. The abuse was way worse and left way more damage. But I think due to her remarks I associated suicide as a peaceful and easy way out if things became ugly. Maybe I overestimate the impact of her remarks. I am not sure maybe it is just accidental. I think I can trace the impact of the abuse way more accurately.
But due to fictional series and remarks of stupid people I thought suicide was easy. In some series they just take sleeping pills and alcohol and then they are dead. I was so naive.
Then there was my first suicidal thought. I had an argument with my mom in the car. She screamed at me. And I thought why not jumping out of the car. We were on a highway. When I realized this was a suicidal thought I felt guilty, bad and maybe a little bit dirty. I sometimes visited church and often they portray suicide there as immoral. I was a conservative when I was a teenager. When I had suicidal thoughts I felt guilty and maybe evil for it. I thought maybe I deserve it (quite an unnecessary thought) and I was anxious about hell. During my first major depression I felt so anxious about hell. I had horrible nightmares about getting punished for it. My halfway religious education made me feel way worse when I experienced severe suicidality. When I read more atheism this could comfort me and alleviate my pain a little bit. I could not name a single event that shaped my relation to religion. I think I had the naive notion God was fair and if I was well-behaved I would get rewarded. The opposite happened though.
My opinion on assisted suicide was shaped when we talked about it in religious class. I wrote a long thread about it once.I was quite savvy and destroyed some people who were fully against assisted suicide. I was kind of a contrarian at that time. Even my religious teacher was impressed by my line of argumentation.
Can you name some events that shaped your views on suicide?
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