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wellherewego

wellherewego

Wanderer
Apr 30, 2022
55
I am haunted every second by mistakes I have made and the consequences and consequences that have yet to come. I can't do this anymore. I should be obtaining my method this Friday.

But at the same time I am haunted by the effect it will have on my family who will never understand, and the image I will leave of a weak and psychotic person. Also have lingering SI and some mourning for a future life unrealized.

Either way is hell, at least with cbt I won't be around to be aware of it, I guess I'm a shit person even in death. I wish I could come to terms with that. I wish I had never been born sometimes.

I can't even cry all I can do it suffer minute to minute and try to put on a mask and wonder every second if this will be the day/hour/minute/second that pushes me over the edge. Sometimes I have to make myself gag just to get some endorphines to carry on a bit longer until I get get home in bed.

At least I will have my method on hand soon, but even that makes me feel guilty.
 
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Reactions: GreenTree, Dead Meat, outrider567 and 1 other person
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,965
That sounds very unbearable what you are going through. I'm sorry that you have to endure that. Living can be very painful as our thoughts can torture us. I hope you find peace and relief from your suffering in whatever happens.
 
G

GreenTree

Mage
Jun 1, 2020
568
You sound like me. I've made many mistakes and feel deep shame. The worse thing is the family suffer too. Can accept me suffering but not family.
 

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