Venting hate remembering and reliving my ed

[bluerains2]

tw for eating disorder stuff

i'm currently struggling a lot with visiting my mom's house for thanksgiving because it's where i was when i was at my very very worst with anorexia

i've been in recovery for long enough by now that i think i've truly distanced myself from that time and the person that i was back then

but it all comes back when i come back here

i guess in a way it counted as a suicide attempt back then because i really was killing myself

but more than anything i was just chasing the numbness and the distance from life and the cognitive and emotional flattening and the dull gray empty static that comes with the brain literally shrinking and rotting away with the rest of the body

i was trying to escape life but i wasn't trying to truly die

the sudden horrifying realization that i was about to die at any moment and that i finally finally finally had no time left was what somehow managed to shock me into recovery

i knew my organs were failing and i was not gonna survive if i kept this up but it took me years to fully process and acknowledge it

i got so lucky so many times

and i fought so hard through the unfathomable hell that was the first stages of recovery in order to get to where i am now

so it's not like i can just quit here now that i'm capable of living again

but maybe that's just me trying to organize and romanticize everything into a clean coherent narrative like all humans do

life doesn't work that way

i just got lucky

i hate how tempting it is to go back to the familiarity of starvation despite the knowledge that it would drain my life and soul all over again

idk

 

[timf]

One can think of eating disorders as a type of self harm. It is often doe to give one a sense of control in an environment where one has little control. If you have since come to have greater control, you can give yourself credit for having escaped a destructive path.