Just want to go now - I can't, because I have to be here for my children. To have to swim when not knowing how to swim, to have to fly when not knowing how to fly, to expect to breather when I am struggling to breathe - that is how I feel. I have finally received the discharge letter from NHS Community Mental Health Team and my final part of the umbilical cord to stay on in this world has gone and my relationship with the NHS has ended in its entirety. I truly am orphaned - someone who has a family, but is an orphan - someone who has a life, but is dead - someone who walks the planet and will have to falls off the planet soon. A wave can mean hello or good bye - and it is laughable that I don't even know when my expiry date is given that I have a solid plan and the means to end my misery, but as a mother - I am not mine to liberate myself. But I do know that my time will be soon. This hurts and for worse than staying alive is knowing that my end will cause untold suffering to the two people who trust me and love me unconditionally. Just hurts.
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