Story Has whatever happened to you changed you for the better or worse?

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Before shit hit the fan, I at least considered myself to be a morally upright and environmentally-conscious citizen of the world. I was interested in helping those in need, and contributing at least to making the world a better place. To put it bluntly, I was naive and held my head in the clouds.

Then Mother Nature, being the harsh mistress she is, gave me a slap in the face. Chronic pain did a 180 to my personality. Months of joint pain, swelling and stiffness, exacerbated by the fear of becoming disabled and losing autonomy of my body, gradually wore away my resolve. Doing what I used to love doesn't feel the same as before, and there is no enthusiasm to go to places or learn a new skill. Going into remission does not at all impede my plans to CTB at a later point in life, as I am now sure that it is on my own terms that I want to go.

I am no longer concerned about the ills that afflict Planet Earth and humanity; if doom is to befall us, so be it. The nonconformist in me is unable to connect with a society that abhors death, let alone comprehend the need to prolong as far as possible the lives of those hopelessly ill. All I see around me are mindless robots going through the motions. To the one who pontificates that the meaning of life is to give life meaning, I ask you to stop beating around the bush.

Many say chronic illness makes you more compassionate, but for me it has all but amplified feelings of schadenfreude. Especially tangible is ill-will for the self-righteous bigots who unsympathetically condemn those that take their lives. God forbid they be brought to their knees by the same black despondency that plagues many of us. Regardless of gender, race or religion, I am less inclined to discriminate if one does not proselytize. But to those who think they have the right to dictate how we live our lives, or what we do with our bodies, I consider you my enemy.

Having been forced to face harsh reality, I am convinced that it is in fact a dog-eat-dog world that we live in. As such, I am willing to use any and all means necessary to get what I want, with little regard for the consequences. I am willing to lie to, cheat and deceive those in the medical profession to get my hands on lethal drugs, as I have done at my lowest point. In short, I am positive that my experiences have changed me in a more or less, negative way.

 

[BlackCatTalk]

always for bad, I think I am a creature of evil, the good thing is that since nobody gives a shit if I am or not that does not allow my evil to touch someone else, I think ignoring me is something that works well for everyone, maybe because that things go well, and thats the reason why I'm always alone...

 

[Blowba]

I believe the things that have happened to mean has changed me for the worse it just has pushed to the point i just want to rot away inside my bedroom than wanting to progress in life and having a difficult time building relations with people

 

[stillweary]

I used to be a kind and empathetic person. I learned that doing the right thing gets you taken advantage of and that the people who you believe are your best friends will betray you in death. I know what people are capable of. It doesn't matter how seemingly "good" they are. I want nothing to do with them. My hell now is that it is functionally illegal to drop out of society unless you have a substantial sum of money, and you can't acquire that money without interacting with people you hate.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I used to be a kind and empathetic person. I learned that doing the right thing gets you taken advantage of and that the people who you believe are your best friends will betray you in death. I know what people are capable of. It doesn't matter how seemingly "good" they are. I want nothing to do with them. My hell now is that it is functionally illegal to drop out of society unless you have a substantial sum of money, and you can't acquire that money without interacting with people you hate.

What a world we live in. Might makes right, and there's nothing money can't buy. And yes, as much as I'd hate to admit, we depend on each other to survive.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I think this is a loaded question to ask a group of people who are suffering so much that they want to die.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Definitely worse, what doesn't kill me just makes me more bitter and/or evil anyway.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I think this is a loaded question to ask a group of people who are suffering so much that they want to die.

Not true. The question is not intended to be rhetorical. In similar posts I've come across people who'd still identify as 'good' despite whatever happened, willing to help in anyway possible and striving to maintain a clear conscience. To each his own, I guess.

Anyways, the purpose of this post is more to share my experience, than spark debate. Like what many others on this platform are doing. Ironically, it's what keeps many of us here.

 

[Grav]

I've always been distrustful of people and their intentions but I've had a hard time being "evil", it just isn't me. I won't roll over and give stuff away but someone really in need I "fall for", as some would say. As I've aged though and seen how things work I'm more bitter but still would aid someone truly needing it, but that's got criteria attached to it. So I feel like being in a desert of crappy people but have enough drops of water to linger on another day. So I've gotten slowly worse.

 

[Raindryer]

Worse. I was quite social as a child, then got addicted to an online game at around age 13 or 14 and it all kind of spiralled downwards from there. I skipped school a lot and barely graduated, ruining my chances of ever getting a "decent" job and allowing me to live a "normal" life.

These days I lack social skills and don't really go outside anymore. But on the upside, at least I recognize life for what it really is now. Being stuck in a hamster wheel until you're too old to keep running inside the wheel.

 

[Natty]

My alcoholism led to me getting a DUI in january 2013. I waited for my charges for 6 months, the officers in charge of the case were communicating nothing and only insinuating that I would be brought on felony charges. During that time I found out my mom had cancer and had a month to live. She died on mother's day of that year.

Nothing has really been the same since that 6 month stretch. I am a shell of the person I was before then.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Just complete disinterest in yhis world.

Beflre my Ex, yesh i was traumatized and going through really shitty things at the hands of my family.

After my Ex and 2018 in general it just kinda showed me how my family will actively ruin my life. Make me homeless and watch me go through domestic abuse at the hands of another man. Blame it all on me.

Sorry not sorry but it just made me completely lose faith in humanity. I can't deal with this world and the level of lack of control I have.

Lack of connections I already had and further had as my family and Ex isolated me in toxic ways.

We are a society. Going in on this life, all alone, was already dangerous... then add people that will actively try to put .e in shittier spaces? I can't.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

Not true. The question is not intended to be rhetorical. In similar posts I've come across people who'd still identify as 'good' despite whatever happened, willing to help in anyway possible and striving to maintain a clear conscience. To each his own, I guess.

Anyways, the purpose of this post is more to share my experience, than spark debate. Like what many others on this platform are doing. Ironically, it's what keeps many of us here.

I know it is not intended to be rhetorical. "loaded" wasn't the right word to use as I was trying to be careful with my words so they don't come across harshly. Truthfully, I meant "redundant".

By all means, definitely share your experiences and get what you need to off your chest, but I stand by saying that a group of people who want to die being asked whether what's happened to them has changed them for the better or worse is a question with an obvious answer and the responses are testament to that. If you felt changed for the better, you wouldn't be trying to summon the courage to kill yourself.

 

[Sherri]

In the beginning changed me for worse, not in a evil way, but my last relationship ended in a very bad way, too long to explain here. But after a few years I can tell i improved a lot. And this site was crucial to it.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I had no chance from the start.
Born with dyspraxia and a very high chance I might be autistic.
My Mum had untreated BPD, and my bio Dad was an abusive pedophile.
His target was preteen girls, around 10-13.
He abused the girl next door, and he was refusing to cooperate with the Police and Social Services,
Him and my Mum split up.
My Dad couldn't take us due to what he did, and my Mum had to get sectioned.
Me and my sister was put into foster care, with ironically, an unknown pedophile.
He didn't touch my sister though. I was 3 at the time. My youngest memory is of him.
I couldn't talk untill I was 5. I was put into a special needs class which specialized in speech for a couple of years.
When I got into normal primary school, I did not have any social skills.
People ignored me mostly.
When I got into secondary school, that is when the bullying started and the noticeable signs of mental illness.
I got to 15 until I was abused again, 16 was in an abusive relationship and got sectioned, got diagnosed with PTSD.
Unfortunately, I did not take this help seriously.
College, again got abused by 3 different people throughout the course of my college years.
21, diagnosed with BPD.
Been off and on meds since I was 18, mostly for my hallucinations, I'm now 25.
As for my home life, quite chaotic and unpredictable due to my Mums untreated BPD.
She did find another man when I was 5, but he is a narcissist who even now, often interrupts people and undermines then.
Not to mention his questionable behaviour towards my younger sister, but he never did it to me.
We also had my older sister, who has learning disabilities, which can be quite challenging by itself.
Luckily she is actually quite high-functioning.
I did move out into a questionable relationship when I was 20, and I often question how healthy that was.
I'm now 25, living back at home with my parents, because of the behaviour of the person I was in a relationship was escalating.
My first suicide attempt was 12. I can't take another 50 years of this, and I hope I will be able to die soon.
Forgot to mention.
Got discharged from therapy at 19, went back to the Doctors at 21, waited 3 YEARS to be assessed to see if they could give me therapy, and they said the won't offer me therapy. It is obvious they do not care. They just told me to take these meds.
The meds do work, but I hate having to rely on them. Been on and off them since I was 18, and I've been complete off them for a few months now.

 

[WornOutLife]

Most of the times, for worse.
There were great changes but they're gone and what matters, in the end, is the present.
Still, I know if I do my best I can recover and have a nice life till I'm grey and old but... where can I get the motivation and strength from?

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Worse. I was quite social as a child, then got addicted to an online game at around age 13 or 14 and it all kind of spiralled downwards from there. I skipped school a lot and barely graduated, ruining my chances of ever getting a "decent" job and allowing me to live a "normal" life.

These days I lack social skills and don't really go outside anymore. But on the upside, at least I recognize life for what it really is now. Being stuck in a hamster wheel until you're too old to keep running inside the wheel.

I can deeply relate to this. I got addicted to video games at a very young age, became disinterested in my studies and my grades plummeted as a result.

Being aware of the dream loop that life is has caused me much angst and ennui. Sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else and not think at all.

My alcoholism led to me getting a DUI in january 2013. I waited for my charges for 6 months, the officers in charge of the case were communicating nothing and only insinuating that I would be brought on felony charges. During that time I found out my mom had cancer and had a month to live. She died on mother's day of that year.

Nothing has really been the same since that 6 month stretch. I am a shell of the person I was before then.

No words can describe how sorry I am for what you've been through. It might sound cheesy, you can always lean on us, the SS community, for support.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I had no chance from the start.
Born with dyspraxia and a very high chance I might be autistic.
My Mum had untreated BPD, and my bio Dad was an abusive pedophile.
His target was preteen girls, around 10-13.
He abused the girl next door, and he was refusing to cooperate with the Police and Social Services,
Him and my Mum split up.
My Dad couldn't take us due to what he did, and my Mum had to get sectioned.
Me and my sister was put into foster care, with ironically, an unknown pedophile.
He didn't touch my sister though. I was 3 at the time. My youngest memory is of him.
I couldn't talk untill I was 5. I was put into a special needs class which specialized in speech for a couple of years.
When I got into normal primary school, I did not have any social skills.
People ignored me mostly.
When I got into secondary school, that is when the bullying started and the noticeable signs of mental illness.
I got to 15 until I was abused again, 16 was in an abusive relationship and got sectioned, got diagnosed with PTSD.
Unfortunately, I did not take this help seriously.
College, again got abused by 3 different people throughout the course of my college years.
21, diagnosed with BPD.
Been off and on meds since I was 18, mostly for my hallucinations, I'm now 25.
As for my home life, quite chaotic and unpredictable due to my Mums untreated BPD.
She did find another man when I was 5, but he is a narcissist who even now, often interrupts people and undermines then.
Not to mention his questionable behaviour towards my younger sister, but he never did it to me.
We also had my older sister, who has learning disabilities, which can be quite challenging by itself.
Luckily she is actually quite high-functioning.
I did move out into a questionable relationship when I was 20, and I often question how healthy that was.
I'm now 25, living back at home with my parents, because of the behaviour of the person I was in a relationship was escalating.
My first suicide attempt was 12. I can't take another 50 years of this, and I hope I will be able to die soon.
Forgot to mention.
Got discharged from therapy at 19, went back to the Doctors at 21, waited 3 YEARS to be assessed to see if they could give me therapy, and they said the won't offer me therapy. It is obvious they do not care. They just told me to take these meds.
The meds do work, but I hate having to rely on them. Been on and off them since I was 18, and I've been complete off them for a few months now.

You've come a long way and I'm happy for you. Keep staying medication-free. Life has been hard on you and I do sincerely hope that things will improve.

Reading this made my blood boil. Pedophiles like your biological father need to be locked away. FOREVER. It's also a shame that law enforcement has failed to protect the vulnerable.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

You've come a long way and I'm happy for you. Keep staying medication-free. Life has been hard on you and I do sincerely hope that things will improve.

Reading this made my blood boil. Pedophiles like your biological father need to be locked away. FOREVER. It's also a shame that law enforcement has failed to protect the vulnerable.

Thank you so much.
It gets worse.
He was seen on a local vigilante facebook group video for messaging young girls in his target group, at the end of the video the police came, the vigilante group explained what they had found and showed the police officer the 37 pages of evidence, and the police officers response was to hand him his phone back and say this isn't worth looking into and stop harassing him?!
And it was a woman officer too...I had no words for this.
Fucking ridiculous.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Thank you so much.
It gets worse.
He was seen on a local vigilante facebook group video for messaging young girls in his target group, at the end of the video the police came, the vigilante group explained what they had found and showed the police officer the 37 pages of evidence, and the police officers response was to hand him his phone back and say this isn't worth looking into and stop harassing him?!
And it was a woman officer too...I had no words for this.
Fucking ridiculous.

I don't know where you're from, but I'm speechless at how incompetent the police can be. I am not religious, but there's a special place in hell for scum of the earth. From what I heard, many of them re-offend constantly, so there is no reason why millions of taxpayer money should be spent trying to rehabilitate them.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I don't know where you're from, but I'm speechless at how incompetent the police can be. I am not religious, but there's a special place in hell for scum of the earth. From what I heard, many of them re-offend constantly, so there is no reason why millions of taxpayer money should be spent trying to rehabilitate them.

The UK.
That is true, it is absolutely ridiculous.

 

[Nodscene]

I've definitely gotten worse in most ways but have a lot more sympathy for people who are truly suffering. I have way less tolerance for doctor's and their attitude that all opiods are evil and chronic pain is never bad enough to warrant their use or just how debilitating it can be. Worst of all you are automatically labeled a drug addict which makes future help almost impossible.

I don't put up with bullshit anymore and if you can't be honest then why are you even talking to me. As an example I had a friend who I've know for 30+ years and have been like brothers. I'm even the godfather of his children. For some reason he started backing away and wouldn't respond to texts. When we did talk he blamed everything on being depressed and just needed space.

I'd message him every 4 months or so and invited him and his kids out for his birthday etc and it was always a no. I knew something was up and noticed on his Facebook page that he was asking if anyone wanted to go out to the bar with him almost every month. As I wasn't included I decided to call him on everything.

I spent years listening to the problems with his wife cheating on him and countless other things. I listened and showed him support when every time we went out it was always the same conversation for the whole night about his ex etc and I was always there to support him. He ended up in a bad depression as finances were tight, his ex was making his life hell amongst other things.

At no point did I invalidate what he was going through and even when he was sick I'd ask how he was feeling etc.

During this whole time he didn't ask me once about my back issues which were severe enough where I had to quit my job, move back to my hometown, and could only visit him or go to the bar for a few hours at most before the pain became much and I had to go home and lay down.

I knew someone was going on and for whatever reason I wasn't someone he wanted to hang around with or even be his friend. So I called him out on everything and asked him what was happening. Once again he blames it on his depression and said he needed space (something I've been hearing for over a year). I'm pretty sure texting him once every 4 months was enough space considering he was still going out with other people.

I told him that it's been a one sided relationship since I moved back and be hasn't given two shits about my life while I've listened to him non stop without getting a word in edgewise. I literally asked him how he was doing when he had a cold more than he ever asked me about my pain and depression.

He said not to worry as he was the kind of guy who would say if there was ever a problem and just to give him time. Normally he's a straightforward guy and he would bring up any issues, or so I thought.

After that I sent a couple more texts but never heard anything back which was the standard. I then just found out that after my last CTB attempt that I was on life support for 3 days, my sister contacted him and he never had the decency to write anything, let alone a good you get better or another simple platitude.

I don't get it, how can someone you've been friends with for 3 decades and called each other brothers just drop me as a friend (which I could have handled if he was that sick and explained it), but to not even get it touch with me after literally dying and being on life support for that long boggles the mind.

Hell, I even had an old friend that I haven't talked to for about 25 years come to the hospital to see me and said if there was anything I needed just to ask. And I believe him. Funny thing is he's a police officer and I did have a few illegal substances in my hair samples (not to mention my home) and he made sure to say he was there as a friend and not a cop.

I got more support and compassion from someone I haven't talked to in decades vs a best friend who I spent practically my whole life being close friends and family and he couldnt muster up the desire or interest to give a shit that my days were filled with severe pain that left me bedridden essentially.

If anyone can explain that I'd love to hear it. Plus it wasn't like he didn't know that I was planning to CTB at some point and he claimed he understood. I'm just confused, a little pissed off and as someone with few friends (2 have CTB'd in the last 2 years leaving me with just 1 friend now) how can you just drop a friend like that. The worst I did was call him out on his behaviour and asked for him to be straight with me.

I tend to take this quite personally and I always feel I'm the one in the wrong wether I am or not. What drives me over the edge goes back to my first post here. I have to know everything so I can fix it, change my behaviour, and see how I keep losing friends, can't make friends, and couldn't get an escort to date me if I paid her haha (yes, it's an inapropriate joke but demonstrates just how much of a failure I am when I comes to women and just humans in general).

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Someone told me a few days ago that adversity and suffering builds character. I think that sentiment is just a cultural hubris that isn't reflective of reality.

Before I became aware of how bad my situation was, I did use the things that happened to me as fuel to continue forward. There HAD to be a solution, everyone told me there was hope, and I naively believed them.

With time, my condition has only deteriorated. It was not so apparent in high school, despite everyone knowing I had been molested by a classmate, because I desperately tried to hide the fact that I had autism and ptsd. I desperately wanted to be normal even if no one ever let me into their groups. This was a fruitless endeavour.

I've been on a rapid decline since I got viral pneumonia in my final year of high school and was groomed by a much older man. This was likely the trigger for my chronic fatigue syndrome. Now I am suffering chronic pain everyday like you OP, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I have also realized our world is beyond help, having to experience firsthand my whole life how the majority of people treat the ill and disabled like us.

I have always tried to overcome my difficulties, and failed everytime. Despite being a 21 year old woman, I have the social skills of a young teenager due to the amalgamation of my developmental disability, childhood neglect, and a lifetime of abuse. People can tell if you've been abused or that something is "off" about you, generally.

I get avoided by most people, and every social interaction I have is painful. Not only due to my physical pain that's here to greet me every morning when I wake up, but because I can tell people don't want to be around an autistic freak who doesn't make eye contact, cannot pick up social cues, and has noticeable speech difficulties. All of this has definitely made my life worse. There was no "growth."

I fail pretty much every job interview. I feel sick everyday logging into my university video call seminar style classes because I know I'm in for more humiliation when I am forced to participate. I am terrified of people because I know they are capable of hurting me again and again and again. My life is hell as a result of abuse, trauma, brief stint in poverty, neglect, disability, illnesses, and so on and so forth. Not a modicum of positivity could be extracted from my situation.

The worst part is, people tell me that I am strong and endured so much, then start berating me in the next breath about how I need to grow up and learn to cope. My boyfriend who is higher functioning on the autism spectrum (in comparison to me) says that it can be overcome and I am making excuses and not conquering anxiety when it comes to integrating with society. He finds my disdain for the Neurotypical, normie world to be childish and judgemental.

I cannot control my autistic traits like the stammering, lack of eye contact, strange body language and posture, gestures, etc. I cannot control my physical illnesses zapping my energy and stamina everyday. I cannot control my fear over a ptsd trigger. Then ignorant people who never had to deal with these specific problems a day in their life act like you can easily get over something that's intrinsic to your physiology. I have no hope for this rotten world either.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I'd argue that it has mostly made me worse and has completely debilitated me to the point that I struggle to do even the most fundamental of tasks that other people breeze through with ease. I have a better understanding of morality, human beings, and reality because of the things that happened to me but none of those things make up for how crippled I am socially or emotionally.

Having been forced to face harsh reality, I am convinced that it is in fact a dog-eat-dog world that we live in. As such, I am willing to use any and all means necessary to get what I want, with little regard for the consequences. I am willing to lie to, cheat and deceive those in the medical profession to get my hands on lethal drugs, as I have done at my lowest point. In short, I am positive that my experiences have changed me in a more or less, negative way.

And you should rightly use any means at your disposal because the morally reprehensible society we live in does not actually care about suicidal people. Society, and even people in medical professions often lie, cheat, and deceive to do all kinds of unethical things; depriving people of their bodily autonomy is just one of them.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I've definitely gotten worse in most ways but have a lot more sympathy for people who are truly suffering. I have way less tolerance for doctor's and their attitude that all opiods are evil and chronic pain is never bad enough to warrant their use or just how debilitating it can be. Worst of all you are automatically labeled a drug addict which makes future help almost impossible.

I don't put up with bullshit anymore and if you can't be honest then why are you even talking to me. As an example I had a friend who I've know for 30+ years and have been like brothers. I'm even the godfather of his children. For some reason he started backing away and wouldn't respond to texts. When we did talk he blamed everything on being depressed and just needed space.

I'd message him every 4 months or so and invited him and his kids out for his birthday etc and it was always a no. I knew something was up and noticed on his Facebook page that he was asking if anyone wanted to go out to the bar with him almost every month. As I wasn't included I decided to call him on everything.

I spent years listening to the problems with his wife cheating on him and countless other things. I listened and showed him support when every time we went out it was always the same conversation for the whole night about his ex etc and I was always there to support him. He ended up in a bad depression as finances were tight, his ex was making his life hell amongst other things.

At no point did I invalidate what he was going through and even when he was sick I'd ask how he was feeling etc.

During this whole time he didn't ask me once about my back issues which were severe enough where I had to quit my job, move back to my hometown, and could only visit him or go to the bar for a few hours at most before the pain became much and I had to go home and lay down.

I knew someone was going on and for whatever reason I wasn't someone he wanted to hang around with or even be his friend. So I called him out on everything and asked him what was happening. Once again he blames it on his depression and said he needed space (something I've been hearing for over a year). I'm pretty sure texting him once every 4 months was enough space considering he was still going out with other people.

I told him that it's been a one sided relationship since I moved back and be hasn't given two shits about my life while I've listened to him non stop without getting a word in edgewise. I literally asked him how he was doing when he had a cold more than he ever asked me about my pain and depression.

He said not to worry as he was the kind of guy who would say if there was ever a problem and just to give him time. Normally he's a straightforward guy and he would bring up any issues, or so I thought.

After that I sent a couple more texts but never heard anything back which was the standard. I then just found out that after my last CTB attempt that I was on life support for 3 days, my sister contacted him and he never had the decency to write anything, let alone a good you get better or another simple platitude.

I don't get it, how can someone you've been friends with for 3 decades and called each other brothers just drop me as a friend (which I could have handled if he was that sick and explained it), but to not even get it touch with me after literally dying and being on life support for that long boggles the mind.

Hell, I even had an old friend that I haven't talked to for about 25 years come to the hospital to see me and said if there was anything I needed just to ask. And I believe him. Funny thing is he's a police officer and I did have a few illegal substances in my hair samples (not to mention my home) and he made sure to say he was there as a friend and not a cop.

I got more support and compassion from someone I haven't talked to in decades vs a best friend who I spent practically my whole life being close friends and family and he couldnt muster up the desire or interest to give a shit that my days were filled with severe pain that left me bedridden essentially.

If anyone can explain that I'd love to hear it. Plus it wasn't like he didn't know that I was planning to CTB at some point and he claimed he understood. I'm just confused, a little pissed off and as someone with few friends (2 have CTB'd in the last 2 years leaving me with just 1 friend now) how can you just drop a friend like that. The worst I did was call him out on his behaviour and asked for him to be straight with me.

I tend to take this quite personally and I always feel I'm the one in the wrong wether I am or not. What drives me over the edge goes back to my first post here. I have to know everything so I can fix it, change my behaviour, and see how I keep losing friends, can't make friends, and couldn't get an escort to date me if I paid her haha (yes, it's an inapropriate joke but demonstrates just how much of a failure I am when I comes to women and just humans in general).

Thank you for sharing. From your post I can tell you're an empathetic and compassionate person who's always willing to lend a listening ear. It's a shame that all the time and effort spent on such a fair-weathered friend had been a wasted investment, and I'm sorry that you've been used as an emotional crutch. It's his loss, not yours. At the same time, it is also heartening to read that you had friends who supported you when you needed them the most.

Yes, I've heard that the war on drugs, specifically the 'Opioid Crisis', has not been forgiving to those with chronic pain. I too, do not condone demonising people who struggle with addiction; not everyone of them does so out of recreational reasons. With that said, I sincerely hope that you find relief from your pain.

 

[Nodscene]

Thanks, I appreciate your comments and insight. I've always been "that guy" who would listen to everyone's problems and be there for them. I had to tone it back a bit later in life and just do it for close friends and family because it really takes a toll on me to absorb people's pain, depression and frustrations.

The thing that bugs me most about the "opiod crisis" is that the people who get these meds for legitimate reason have about a 10% chance of getting addicted. Of course those numbers are too low for the government to make a crisis about it so they lump in recreational use and intentional suicides using opiods to paint a picture that doesn't bear much resemblance to reality.

It also easier to get away with this as we are the invisible people. There are a lot of health issues that require pain meds but due to their condition it's not like they can march down main street in protest or sit for hours and days in front of city hall etc to bring much needed attention to their plight.

The best idea I've seen so far is when the ones who can protest bring a pile of shoes to represent the people who couldn't be there because they were too ill. In its way it's a powerful sight but there is no competing with the news who twists the facts to make things seem much worse than what they are. It's not that a lot of people aren't dying from opiods (hell, I almost succeeded myself) but the vast majority of deaths are suicides and drug users, not people with chronic pain.

It's a very frustrating situation to say the least!

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Someone told me a few days ago that adversity and suffering builds character. I think that sentiment is just a cultural hubris that isn't reflective of reality.

I relate to this on a personal level. There's a saying by the Persian poet Rumi, "Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy meaning." At first, I looked at suffering in a positive light, believing that it was God's plan for my spiritual growth. But after much searching to no avail the light at the end of the tunnel, doubt and fear crept up to me, gradually wearing away at my resolve. I wondered what lay at the end for those who 'fought the good fight'. Reward? Even more punishment? There's no way for us to know at all. As of now, I can no longer relate to people who genuinely think of God as a loving parent who has our best interests at heart. All I see is a one-sided, abusive relationship with a vengeful tyrant who in fact, should be the one apologising for failing to keep us free from sin.

I am very sorry for the abuse you've been through. None of it was your fault at all. I have personally experienced harassment when I was doing my internship. Many of us are caught off-guard by sexual predators who appear as the run-of-the-mill person, and who come up with clever ways to lure their victims. 'Swatting off the flies on your back', for instance. However, poor communication skills I had at that time led me to be seen as 'not telling the truth' and I was subsequently villianised. Thus began my descent down the rabbit-hole of misanthropy.

My boyfriend who is higher functioning on the autism spectrum (in comparison to me) says that it can be overcome and I am making excuses and not conquering anxiety when it comes to integrating with society. He finds my disdain for the Neurotypical, normie world to be childish and judgemental.

I too, can relate to this. I hate it when others think that we're not trying hard enough to get better. Telling me that it's my attitude is enough to make me lose my shit. When I'm down in the dumps or just not feeling well, my father, a 'Mr. Know-it-all' would come in to give a lecture of where (he thinks) the problems lie. Obviously, it does fuck all to solve anything.

 

[Swabbie]

I got permanent sexual dysfunction and was lobotomized from antidepressants. It definitely changed me for the worse. Used to be a very caring soul. Now I want humankind to rot in hell.

 

[Wrennie]

100% for the worse. I am an empty husk masquerading as a human being. I am crippled physically and mentally. I lie in bed all day every day because I can't stand the feel of navigating the world in my own body. There is no hope, nothing that drives me... only the prospect of death.

 

[Deleted member 26067]

I was born with autism and have lived with bullying and physical brawls for the first twenty six years of my life, and over the course of forty years have seen the country I live in morph into a socialist Weimar Republic on the verge of a Rome-style collapse. It's personal as well as existential terror that has shaped me.

I'm probably better in that I'm stronger and harder, like a tempered blade, but I'm also broken and dead inside now. Only hate and contempt remains.