Has anyone with childhood trauma experienced a "silent scream" (flashback)?

[WearyHSP]

This might sound strange, stay with me here for a minute...

On a phone therapy session last weekend, I started screaming, silently, but it was clear this scream actually happened when I was child of seven. I can FEEL the trauma event but I can't see it or hear it or remember it. It's not my first silent scream, which I'm convinced is a memory of screaming while I was being abused.

I suspect this is a fairly rare occurence, but it'd help me to know if others have experienced this, since my entire life (I'm in my fifities now) has been about piecing togther all the bits to try to remember (understand and heal) the horrific event that happened when I was seven.

Has anyone on this site experienced a silent scream or something similar? I consider it a type of "feeling" flashback.

 

[WearyHSP]

Now I know you're probably not going to like this. But I think that you have probably been misled by a therapist or hypnotherapist, somewhere along the way. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that you may suffer post-traumatic stress disorder due to the nature of such illusory memories. I'd also suggest that you sue whatever therapist convinced you of this.

So I guess you know me better than I know myself?

 

[rationaltake]

Haven't experienced exactly that. Have seen images of things happening projected in front of my eyes as if on a tv screen. It was me as a child.

I know how difficult this is.

 

[WearyHSP]

I know how difficult this is.

Thanks for your kindness.

I've had a handful of flashbacks with visuals but they're just flashes. I'm guessing, more about how it felt in the moment than an actual visual memory.

So interesting about seeing it on a "screen." One of the things I did many years ago to understand the submerged trauma was to join a clairvoyant program. The training uses something like what you said, a screen. (called, a reading screen.)

I wonder if that somehow gives a little bit of space between you and the trauma by seeing it, kind of projected rather than inside you? No idea, just musing.

Appreciate your feedback.

 

[rationaltake]

Thanks for your kindness.

You're welcome.

So interesting about seeing it on a "screen." One of the things I did many years ago to understand the submerged trauma was to join a clairvoyant program. The training uses something like what you said, a screen. (called, a reading screen.)

I wonder if that somehow gives a little bit of space between you and the trauma by seeing it, kind of projected rather than inside you? No idea, just musing.

Appreciate your feedback.

I think you're absolutely spot-on. A screen provides distance. Like dissociation. Wishing you well.

 

[Dot]

Haven't experienced exactly that. Have seen images of things happening projected in front of my eyes as if on a tv screen. It was me as a child.

I know how difficult this is.

Slf hve exprncd tht - = lke thre = projctr @ bck of hd sendg imges 2 th eys frm b-hnd

@WearyHSP - snds lke ur bdy = stll crryng th memris of wht happnd evn if thy r nt accssble cnscsly - thre = thrpy/treatmnt clld Somatc Exprncng whch = desgnd fr ppl w/ p.t.s.d / trma & also fr chldhd trma 2 hlp rleas wht ur bdy = holdng on2 w/o havng 2 re-liv evnts - mght b wrth lkng in2

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

No I don't think it is that much strange. I have always had such experiences due to the extensive traumas and abuses I suffered. From what I have learned about flashbacks and trauma responses, many times such memories and traumas are stored in our body as well and they have different ways of coming out. And our brain tries to protect us through memory loss and dissociation usually after those events.
I am sorry that happened to you. The effects and scars of such experiences never truly fade away.

 

[rationaltake]

Slf hve exprncd tht - = lke thre = projctr @ bck of hd sendg imges 2 th eys frm b-hnd

Sounds similar. Thanks for explaining. I'm wondering if this is common. I wouldn't be surprised if it is.

 

[WearyHSP]

hre = thrpy/treatmnt clld Somatc Exprncng whch = desgnd fr ppl w/ p.t.s.d / trma & also fr chldhd trma 2 hlp rleas wht ur bdy = holdng on2 w/o havng 2 re-liv evnts - mght b wrth lkng in2

Thanks Dot.
I've done TRE, EMDR, EFT, hypnosis, breath work, and probably 75 other modalities. I tried to work with a somatic therapist who was recommended but after one session she refused to work with me. Because I'm disabled now, I can't afford a copay, AND, without a recommendation, I don't trust practitioners as so many have done harm because they don't have the expertise and jump to conclusions, and inevitably get frustrated, blaming me for not improving.

I've found a friend of a friend who is getting her required hours of experience and she's offering a very inexpensive rate. But most importantly, like me, she had missing memories until her early 50s. She's had the gaslighting experience of having missing memories and yet the body holds the pain of the abuse. She's the best fit I've ever had in 35 years of various modalities, because she gets it.

She uses, basically, guided meditation (guided by her intuition and muscle testing). I get A LOT of terror/betrayal feelings, heart racing, panting for breath etc. but the images I see remain symbolic, not true memories. For the hour and a half phone therapy I feel hopeful and once off the phone, it's back to planning ctb.

People foolishly tell me to stop trying to remember as if the trauma just goes away by not remembering but it doesn't. It repeats in my life. I'm conviced I have a disabling neuro-immune illness because of the trauma held in my body. The rates of people with CFS/ME who were a abused as a child are strikingly higher than average.

 

[WearyHSP]

Haven't experienced exactly that. Have seen images of things happening projected in front of my eyes as if on a tv screen. It was me as a child.

Do you think that was memory? For instance, did it seem similar to what you recall happened?
Just curious.

It helps to get other's experiences to make sense of my own. Thanks.

 

[Angels67111570]

This might sound strange, stay with me here for a minute...

On a phone therapy session last weekend, I started screaming, silently, but it was clear this scream actually happened when I was child of seven. I can FEEL the trauma event but I can't see it or hear it or remember it. It's not my first silent scream, which I'm convinced is a memory of screaming while I was being abused.

I suspect this is a fairly rare occurence, but it'd help me to know if others have experienced this, since my entire life (I'm in my fifities now) has been about piecing togther all the bits to try to remember (understand and heal) the horrific event that happened when I was seven.

Has anyone on this site experienced a silent scream or something similar? I consider it a type of "feeling" flashback.

Yes! As a very young child I was locked in closets and abused however I was so young these memories are pre verbal. I do still have flashbacks where I feel like I'm right in the moment. I was told by a very accredited nuero psychiatrist that this was because my brain worked so hard to suppress the trauma. However due to an overload of more recent trauma it is "slipping through the cracks" I hope this helps. I can tell you my experiences have been so real they have been recorded and can sometimes even look like an absence seizure. Another ailment I now deal with regularly. Best of luck.

 

[rationaltake]

Do you think that was memory? For instance, did it seem similar to what you recall happened?
Just curious.

It helps to get other's experiences to make sense of my own. Thanks.

I think it was a memory. It was a room in a place I lived. It was a person from my past.

I was terrified by the depiction and the screen moved to the side very rapidly. Hard to explain. It's like I wanted to escape from it.

Hope that's useful.

The rates of people with CFS/ME who were a abused as a child are strikingly higher than average.

I have had chronic fatigue in the past. I have DID btw.

 

[WearyHSP]

I think it was a memory. It was a room in a place I lived. It was a person from my past.

I was terrified by the depiction and the screen moved to the side very rapidly. Hard to explain. It's like I wanted to escape from it.

I guessed that - thanks for clarifying. It makes sense to me. So sorry all that happened to you.

10 or 15 years ago I went to a hypnotist who said there was too much of a block to see anything in a session. She told me I had to work with my inner child to get her to feel safe enough to remember. Still doing the daily work with no positive changes.

I've done some research on DID since it seems clear if I can't recall huge blocks of time, that parts of me splintered off so as not to remember. However if I have it, it's very subtle. I've never had anyone tell me my personality changed, and though I have bad memory between the CFS/ME and the childhood trauma, I don't have missing time in my everyday life. Perhaps I'm not understanding the subtlety of DID? I found a pratictioner for DID who wasn't helpful so I stopped.

Very glad you somehow escaped long teerm CFS/ME. I've had it for 24 years, it gets worse every year and there's no treatment.

 

[WearyHSP]

Yes! As a very young child I was locked in closets and abused however I was so young these memories are pre verbal. I do still have flashbacks where I feel like I'm right in the moment. I was told by a very accredited nuero psychiatrist that this was because my brain worked so hard to suppress the trauma. However due to an overload of more recent trauma it is "slipping through the cracks" I hope this helps. I can tell you my experiences have been so real they have been recorded and can sometimes even look like an absence seizure. Another ailment I now deal with regularly. Best of luck.

Thank you for sharing, this is so interesting. I had to look up "absence seizure." So I'm guessing even if outwardly you seem still, you nevertheless remember the flashback (for lack of a better description.) Meaning, you're not actually going blank even if it might look that way?

I have many ways of having a "feeling flashback" but the silent screams show up as me with my mouth open as if I'm screaming, but without noise. The terror and body memory feel real but I'm also aware what I'm feeling isn't happening in the present.

I'm honored your first response on SS was to me, thank you for sharing.

Also, very sorry you were so badly mistreated.

 

[rationaltake]

I guessed that - thanks for clarifying. It makes sense to me. So sorry all that happened to you.

10 or 15 years ago I went to a hypnotist who said there was too much of a block to see anything in a session. She told me I had to work with my inner child to get her to feel safe enough to remember. Still doing the daily work with no positive changes.

I've done some research on DID since it seems clear if I can't recall huge blocks of time, that parts of me splintered off so as not to remember. However if I have it, it's very subtle. I've never had anyone tell me my personality changed, and though I have bad memory between the CFS/ME and the childhood trauma, I don't have missing time in my everyday life. Perhaps I'm not understanding the subtlety of DID? I found a pratictioner for DID who wasn't helpful so I stopped.

Very glad you somehow escaped long teerm CFS/ME. I've had it for 24 years, it gets worse every year and there's no treatment.

Thanks for your kindness. Someone I spend time with has told me they recognise eight different personalities. I don't myself.

I know CFS can be horrendous. Sadly I haven't escaped it really. I have bipolar and have pretty much ceased to function. I'm mainly in bed. Gearing up for ctb. I have OCD and EDNOS. The list goes on.

I'm glad you're trying to address your issues. I hope you come to terms with it all.

 

[WearyHSP]

Yh slf ws diagnsd w/ m.e./c.f.s also

If u hve nt hrd of Irne Lyn slf wld advse lkng up - t.r.e& othr excrss r ok bt somatc exprncng = mre holstc

Hi Dot,

Thanks. Sorry to hear you have ME/CFS too.
Thanks for the clip. I watched it and am in the middle of a lengthy one called, "Nervous system starter steps." but so far, it's all stuff I already know. Perhaps there will be actual practices later in the video.

Has somatic therapy helped you?

The reason I posted here is because my trauma and PTSD seems to be so completely fringe. So the regular stuff doesn't apply. Since this is (mostly) a safe space and we're anonymous, then maybe I could find others who also have fringe experiences. Honestly I've never heard of anyone like me and I would like to not be alone with that. But it's hard to find others like me...

So for instance, regarding PTSD (since the video has gone that direction and I watched a Peter Levine one specifically on a former marine with PTSD) mine is so completely different. Here's an example of a pretty bad PTSD event in 2014:

---

I attended a retreat with my always usual question, "What happened when I was 7?" but the famous spiritual author called me up, told me he couldn't give me that answer, but in the course of asking questions, he realized I have a wealth of information about being empathic and he encouraged me to write a book about it. I've always been the invisible child in my family - the one who is ignored for being authentic in culture of extreme toxic positivity so being seen and heard and recognized was a miracle.
Within less than two weeks after that event, my sister decided she should punish me for avoiding her 20 years earlier and making her feel bad. She ranted at me for 45 minutes and I apologized the entire time (though I avoided her because her life had become similar to my childhood life and i got sick whenever I visited.) WHILE I was apologizing, hoping that would calm her, I kept telling myself, "I'm safe, She's not hurting me..."
And yet the next day I started gaining wait which didn't stop for 2 1/2 years. All my other CFS/ME symptoms increased for the next 2 1/2 years. It didn't matter that I talked to my inner child and told her she was safe - my body just completely shut down and has remained at that level since.

These kinds of PTSD events can last for years and there are some from over a decade ago in which I've never recovered. It's not just a moment in time it's a free-fall of getting worse until I hit some kind of invisible bottom and that's my new normal.

---

I found Irene Lyon's description of the nervous system stuck better than usual for me and it makes so much sense why I have asymptomatic gut issues (from or with ME) but especially I think that's largely behind the flick of a switch PTSD gut flora and why I gain so much weight suddenly despite no change in calories or exercise. It makes sense that the "rest-digest" parasympathetic systems goes whacko in the blink of an eye with each PTSD bout. (I have SIBO as well as several parasitic gut issues that took many years to diagnose because my symptoms don't appear to be gut-related but in fact, are.)

BTW - I was strangled and beaten in my condo and I have no PTSD from that because it happened as an adult. I only share that to say how strange it is that my PTSD bouts are always created by feeling cornered, voiceless and powerless by an authority who doesn't listen and has control over me. So, no PTSD when I was nearly beaten to death, but months later when living with my brother and his wife, when she cornered me and verbally attacked me - BOOM, That's a PTSD event from 2007 that I've never recovered from and never will.

Thanks for your kindness. Someone I spend time with has told me they recognise eight different personalities. I don't myself.

I know CFS can be horrendous. Sadly I haven't escaped it really. I have bipolar and have pretty much ceased to function. I'm mainly in bed. Gearing up for ctb. I have OCD and EDNOS. The list goes on.

I'm glad you're trying to address your issues. I hope you come to terms with it all.

I find that fascinating. I hope that feels good rather than bad that someone can distinguish so many personalities? Perhaps that's just me - How does that make you feel?
For me with no memories and a lifetime of people telling me I'd made it up, your situation seems like it's at least validating. No one breaks into personalities unless something really drastic and horrible happened to them. But of course my gaslighting issue may not be yours. That's probably the most hellish of of all my issues... the not knowing.
I watch the tv shows and few movies with DID examples but I don't know how true to life they actually are. It sounds like you don't experience yourself in different personalities. Does that mean you have missing time or is it more subtle?

Very sorry you're still with the CFS/ME but also bipolar, OCD, EDNOS and...? It seems trauma causes such a domino effect on the body, nervous system, brain... inevitably it takes a toll. I'm sorry you're mostly resigned to bed. I'm not bedridden, yet. A lot of my ME Zoom friends are. The illness as bad as it is for me is greatly overshadowed by the Trauma-PTSD-Recurring destructive patterns.***

***(See in note to Dot: "BTW - I was strangled and beaten in my condo and I have no PTSD from that because it happened as an adult. I only share that to say how strange it is that my PTSD bouts are always created by feeling cornered, voiceless and powerless by an authority who doesn't listen and has control over me. So, no PTSD when I was nearly beaten to death, but months later when living with my brother and his wife, when she cornered me and verbally attacked me - BOOM, That's a PTSD event from 2007 that I've never recovered from and never will."

That assault is an example of a repeat destructive pattern. It's one of the worst, but these kinds of things happen repeatedly to me in very strange ways. I believe they're a repeat of the original trauma (in some way that I can't exactly understand how it works.)

Tell me more about yourself if you feel up to it. I appreciate hearing other's stories!

---

Anyone reading this have a similar kind of trauma repetition? God I wish I had more people to talk to! Thanks for reading.

many times such memories and traumas are stored in our body as well and they have different ways of coming out. And our brain tries to protect us through memory loss and dissociation usually after those events.

So true and we live in a world that stigmatizes these experiences rather than being curious and compassionate.

 

[Dot]

Hi Dot,

Thanks. Sorry to hear you have ME/CFS too.
Thanks for the clip. I watched it and am in the middle of a lengthy one called, "Nervous system starter steps." but so far, it's all stuff I already know. Perhaps there will be actual practices later in the video.

Has somatic therapy helped you?

The reason I posted here is because my trauma and PTSD seems to be so completely fringe. So the regular stuff doesn't apply. Since this is (mostly) a safe space and we're anonymous, then maybe I could find others who also have fringe experiences. Honestly I've never heard of anyone like me and I would like to not be alone with that. But it's hard to find others like me...

So for instance, regarding PTSD (since the video has gone that direction and I watched a Peter Levine one specifically on a former marine with PTSD) mine is so completely different. Here's an example of a pretty bad PTSD event in 2014:

---

I attended a retreat with my always usual question, "What happened when I was 7?" but the famous spiritual author called me up, told me he couldn't give me that answer, but in the course of asking questions, he realized I have a wealth of information about being empathic and he encouraged me to write a book about it. I've always been the invisible child in my family - the one who is ignored for being authentic in culture of extreme toxic positivity so being seen and heard and recognized was a miracle.
Within less than two weeks after that event, my sister decided she should punish me for avoiding her 20 years earlier and making her feel bad. She ranted at me for 45 minutes and I apologized the entire time (though I avoided her because her life had become similar to my childhood life and i got sick whenever I visited.) WHILE I was apologizing, hoping that would calm her, I kept telling myself, "I'm safe, She's not hurting me..."
And yet the next day I started gaining wait which didn't stop for 2 1/2 years. All my other CFS/ME symptoms increased for the next 2 1/2 years. It didn't matter that I talked to my inner child and told her she was safe - my body just completely shut down and has remained at that level since.

These kinds of PTSD events can last for years and there are some from over a decade ago in which I've never recovered. It's not just a moment in time it's a free-fall of getting worse until I hit some kind of invisible bottom and that's my new normal.

---

I found Irene Lyon's description of the nervous system stuck better than usual for me and it makes so much sense why I have asymptomatic gut issues (from or with ME) but especially I think that's largely behind the flick of a switch PTSD gut flora and why I gain so much weight suddenly despite no change in calories or exercise. It makes sense that the "rest-digest" parasympathetic systems goes whacko in the blink of an eye with each PTSD bout. (I have SIBO as well as several parasitic gut issues that took many years to diagnose because my symptoms don't appear to be gut-related but in fact, are.)

BTW - I was strangled and beaten in my condo and I have no PTSD from that because it happened as an adult. I only share that to say how strange it is that my PTSD bouts are always created by feeling cornered, voiceless and powerless by an authority who doesn't listen and has control over me. So, no PTSD when I was nearly beaten to death, but months later when living with my brother and his wife, when she cornered me and verbally attacked me - BOOM, That's a PTSD event from 2007 that I've never recovered from and never will.

Th/ vdeo tht slf linkd hs only infrmatn rathrn th rscourcs - thre ws a link undrnth whch tkes u 2 th onlne crse tht sh/ rns fr a 1-off paymnt
Sh/ ds hve link fr a fw free rsourcs bt wll nt b as in-dpth as th crse bt hre = th lnk:

Healing Trauma: Free Video Training

irenelyon.com

Slf am on th frnge as ur - orignl evnt tht strtd slf issus ws b-ing in cnflct in rlatnshp in whch ws doin th sme thng - freezng up whn ws in trble fr doin smethbg tht ws ashmd of - jst tryn2 plac8 wy out of situatn

Slf alrdy hd c.f.s b/ ths pnt s/ th nxt dy slf devlpd a vrsn of purr-o.c.d on tp of it whre slf cld bt n arnd partnr w/o havng 2 admt 2 thngs tht slf ws ashmd of bt ws also lyng abt thngs on r-flx & thn comng cln abt thm l8r

Tllng urslf u r sfe in th mmnt ds nt fx wht = happng bcse ur bdy ds nt blve = sfe & u kpt urslf in tht dngers situatn & r-peatd th sme b-havrs usd as chld

Wy 2 recvr wld b 2 re-trn ur nervs systm whch = stck in fght-flght mde & hlp it lrn 2 fl safe agn

Ths cn b dne w/ th rsourcs frm Irne Lyn/Petr Lvine

Slf also cmplimntd thse w/ sme othr exrciss frm smthng clld Mickl Thrpy & dd sme chld-hd innr-bondng wrk drm smewhre els s/ ws all vry hlistc - Mickl Thrpy ws all abt learnng 2 set boundris whch ppl w/ c.f.s/fbro r nt vry gd @ bcse of trma-respnse

Ws all wrkng vry wll fr slf untl slf dd an onlne hypnoss whch thrw evrythng out of balnc & led slf 2 sasu

Slf hve givn lts of infrmatn s/ if hve n.e. qustns or nt undrstnd typng n.e.whre jst ask

 

[WearyHSP]

Th/ vdeo tht slf linkd hs only infrmatn rathrn th rscourcs - thre ws a link undrnth whch tkes u 2 th onlne crse tht sh/ rns fr a 1-off paymnt
Sh/ ds hve link fr a fw free rsourcs bt wll nt b as in-dpth as th crse bt hre = th lnk:

Thanks. I'm in the midst of watching those. I like Irene... so far it's all stuff I already know but I'll push on. (It's fatiguing pushing through the videos, I mean, but I'm willing to try.)

Ws all wrkng vry wll fr slf untl slf dd an onlne hypnoss whch thrw evrythng out of balnc & led slf 2 sasu

Dot, I'm sorry to hear that you suddenly got knocked off track (so to speak.)

I'm struggling with "sasu" I can't think of what you mean? Do you mean suicide? Thanks for your help.

 

[Dot]

Thanks. I'm in the midst of watching those. I like Irene... so far it's all stuff I already know but I'll push on. (It's fatiguing pushing through the videos, I mean, but I'm willing to try.)

Dot, I'm sorry to hear that you suddenly got knocked off track (so to speak.)

I'm struggling with "sasu" I can't think of what you mean? Do you mean suicide? Thanks for your help.

Sasu = th ss wb-ste Snctnd Suicde

 

[WearyHSP]

Sasu = th ss wb-ste Snctnd Suicde

That seems really obvious once you pointed that out, Thanks!

 

[ameliacecelia]

Yes. It's rare but I break down in sobs when it happens. It's very much like sleep paralysis but you're nowhere near sleep

 

[WearyHSP]

@ameliacecelia do you mean a silent scream or something else brought up in this thread? It's like you're screaming but it's a scream from the past not the present so it's soundless?

Wow, thank you for sharing. I only know one other person who has expereinced that. It really helps not to feel so alone in my weird experiences.

 

[ameliacecelia]

@ameliacecelia do you mean a silent scream or something else brought up in this thread? It's like you're screaming but it's a scream from the past not the present so it's soundless?

Wow, thank you for sharing. I only know one other person who has expereinced that. It really helps not to feel so alone in my weird experiences.

My mouth doesn't open but it's as if my body physically wants to scream and is currently screaming but all of my functions are frozen.

I've had another instance where it was like I had momentarily blacked out and transported to a scene where a I was being tortured in real time. I came to quickly after and my friend asked what happened because I was physically lashing out and screaming while it was happening. Thank fuck that has only happened once.

I'm sorry you had to go through that trauma and that it's continued to impose on you.

 

[WearyHSP]

my mouth doesn't open but it's as if my body physically wants to scream and is currently screaming but all of my functions are frozen.

I've had another instance where it was like I had momentarily blacked out and transported to a scene where a I was being tortured in real time. I came to quickly after and my friend asked what happened because I was physically lashing out and screaming while it was happening. Thank fuck that has only happened once.

I'm sorry you had to go through that trauma and that it's continued to impose on you.

Wow, that's heartbreaking (and potentially dangerous!) It sounds really similar to me - the screaming but frozen part - not the black out part.

Thank you so much for providing some context. I don't remember what happened to me, do you remember what happened to you? I'm guessing you do.
(my trauma repeats in destructive patterns, and the PTSD bouts have ramifications lasting years even decades.)

So very sorry you have such deep trauma. I really appreciate that you shared, it comforts me to not be alone with this.
Also, I hope you don't have that "time-travel" flashback experience again - how scary.

 

[ameliacecelia]

Wow, that's heartbreaking (and potentially dangerous!) It sounds really similar to me - the screaming but frozen part - not the black out part.

Thank you so much for providing some context. I don't remember what happened to me, do you remember what happened to you? I'm guessing you do.
(my trauma repeats in destructive patterns, and the PTSD bouts have ramifications lasting years even decades.)

So very sorry you have such deep trauma. I really appreciate that you shared, it comforts me to not be alone with this.
Also, I hope you don't have that "time-travel" flashback experience again - how scary.

I was molested by a doctor at a children's hospital after he separated me from my parents. I recently filed a police report. In the medical records, he wrote 'gu exam' short for gynecological, so the cops said he must have been checking for inflammation and didn't press charges. He wasn't wearing gloves and he used his fingernails to scrape me. Past civil statute of limitations (7 years...). I wish there was some way to get some kind of justice because I think that experience set me up for more sexual abuse later in life. I'm sure not knowing exactly what happened would make processing things much more difficult <3

 

[theboy]

It has not happened to me exactly as you describe your experience but I do have flashbacks of traumatic events.