Alice, if you really want to give life a chance, try racemic ketamine. I really recommend prioritizing this, because the effects of CBD likely won't even be close. I'll include something about anxiolytics at the bottom. I experimented with it years ago (possibly 7) when news was first coming out, about its potential. It definitely works. I used the s-isomer because it has less side effects and duration, but it turns out racemic may be considerably more effective.
Personally, I didn't find it enjoyable at all, but it wasn't that bad. The doses used for depression aren't that high. You just feel dissociated, disconnected from your body, and when you move there's a feeling like there's a lag between your decision to move and the actual movement, which some describe like you're controlling a marionette. It also doesn't tend to trigger anxiety and wasn't very psychedelic at that level. I didn't find it enjoyable at all, so there's zero risk of addiction for me. I've also extensively researched it, and there are no serious concerns about health effects at the doses and frequencies used.
Basically you just lay down for an hour or two and then depression is significantly and rapidly alleviated for a week or two, you have less anhedonia, more motivation.
I don't know if you know anyone who can get some IRL, but although the darknet markets may be intimidating if you're never used them before, it's actually a very easy and safe process. Even if they get caught, which is very unlikely, especially if shipped domestically, particularly if you're in a country with better drug laws, all that happens is that you eventually get a letter stating they've seized it and that's it. Law enforcement does not care about such a small amount of ketamine, there's so much going on that has far higher priority.
I've rented a mailbox at a post office for only $8 a month. Here in the US you can get packages held even if you rent the smallest size, and get things delivered from companies like UPS, FedEx, and DHL if you use street address formatting. Some locations have other perks, like sending you scans of mail you're about to receive or even emailing/texting you when you have a package to pick up.
I'll probably receive some ketamine Monday, and hopefully it will at least ease my suffering and allow me to wrap things up before I go.
I have severe treatment resistant chronic depression and there are really no options left available to me, having even failed Nardil. This is nothing like the typical medication they give you.
I also have chronic anxiety due a neurological disorder. By not responding to pharmaceuticals, do you mean you've tried benzos and they haven't worked? If you don't want to support pharma, you can get unscheduled anxiolytics like etizolam online, which greatly augment exposure therapy. A lot of people also seem to respond well to kava extract.