has anyone else fantasized about ctb since they were really little?

[tranny123]

I've had thoughts of suicide since i was around 6. it feels like i was kind of born to kill myself, like it's my ultimate purpose.

 

[yourbloodymess]

Honestly yes. Since I can recall, I have fantasies about killing myself and how the world around me wouldn't change at all with me vanishing. I vividly remember being the age of learning basic multiplication and thinking about shooting myself in the head in front of my classmates and wondering how they would feel about that, like the music video for "Jeremy". Sorry if I sound like an annoying toddler, love your Hum pfp. <3
Sorry if my English is awful, it isn't my first language.

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

Yeah same. Ever since i can remember i didnt exactly want to be dead i just remember wanting to sleep forever or to have not been born at all bc i guess i didnt rlly understand the concept of ctb

 

[tranny123]

Honestly yes. Since I can recall, I have fantasies about killing myself and how the world around me wouldn't change at all with me vanishing. I vividly remember being the age of learning basic multiplication and thinking about shooting myself in the head in front of my classmates and wondering how they would feel about that, like the music video for "Jeremy". Sorry if I sound like an annoying toddler, love your Hum pfp. <3
Sorry if my English is awful, it isn't my first language

I vividly remember hating tee ball and wanting to run out into the street and get hit and die. and i've had the same thoughts of shooting/stabbing/etc. myself in front of class. and thanks for the compliment on my pfp!!

 

[Moniker]

I remember thinking about it when I was around nine years old. It was fantasies/dreams about jumping off of buildings and people laughing at me while I did it. I also remember making little drawings of different ways I could kill myself at that age, but I don't think they were ever found.

I've never felt I was born into the world just to kill myself. My life just sort of happened to turn out the way it did. Now, there were a lot of factors that set me up for failure (and hiccups I've made along the way), but it feels strange to think of death as a larger purpose in my life. In my view, life has no purpose and death is just a state of being.

 

[Rev346]

I recall asking my aunt for a knife so I could stab myself in the heart when I was 8 or 9. My dad yelled at me at lunch after we left and it's probably why I never voluntarily expressed my feelings to my parents ever since.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I became suicidal at the age of 9 due to depression and not being able to function in school like the other kids.
I was very withdrawn and the other kids bullied me because I rarely spoke so they thought I was a weirdo.
I would often dream of walking into traffic and getting run over.

 

[BrknEyes]

I feel you here, I don't remember the age I started thinking about ctb, but I can say I was very young.

 

[Cress]

It's actually really rare for their young children to think about suicide statistically Speaking. Talking like 8 years old or younger. I wasn't able to visualize exactly what suicide was until middle school but I remember Sitting and crying under my kitchen table when I was in the second grade thinking that each year I was alive would just get more and more difficult. That one day I would just simply disappear or stop being taken care of and starve to death.

I wasn't really able to visualize what everything would entail I just had a profound sense of dread that my existence would not last very long. That I would only ever be able to live one more year at most. That's pretty much how my life went year to year. Later on as I got older that turned into planning to catch the bus in a more detailed manner.

 

[Engström]

I don't know that I'd call it fantasizing, I just made the realization somewhat early. In grade 5 I figured out if I were dead, I wouldn't hurt anymore. Planning came later. It was a like I flipped a light switch.

When I say I can't believe I've made it this long (I turned 40 in May), I really should've have been gone a long time ago. All things considered.

 

[Timelapse]

I was 12 when I saw the world for what it was. Since, I have been planning to die before the age of 25.
Now 36, I wish I had CTB since I was 12 years old.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The first time I thought about suicide was when I was around 8 and those thoughts started getting worse when I was around 10 or 11. By the time I was in grade 8, they started to become more intense and by grade 9 they became a near daily occurrence for me.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case ever since I was aware of what death was I found it to be comforting, I've always envied those who are now peacefully and eternally unaware of the curse that is existence. Wanting to die is all I really know and makes sense for me, it would be such a relief if we could choose to permanently leave in peace.

 

[Salmon can't swim]

Yes, not super young like 3, (though I don't have any memories from then), but from abt 8 or so. I kept praying to god (I was a Christian then) to take my life. At the time though, it was because I thought I was - still think I am - a mistake and a burden. Thought I didn't DESERVE to live. There was an innate incongruity with the world that only seemed to exacerbate with age.
Now I still wanna ctb, but it's mostly due to anxiety and just me purely not wanting to exist. I still think I don't deserve to live, but it's more like I feel I've done nothing to warrant the daily torment I go through.