Has anyone else actually ended up feeling LESS suicidal since joining?

[Reallyreallyreally]

I certainly feel less so. My therapist is actually glad I found this place.

 

[Mr. Peabody]

Oh yes. I no longer feel like I have to ctb any time soon, although the thought is seldom far from my mind and I would be surprised if I ended up dying of natural causes.

Feeling very similar about now having a huge reduction in urgency since since finding these forums a week or so ago.

The majority of my suicidal ruminations were being fed by the anxieties that come from the knowledge than I cannot afford to lose one additional bit of the meager mental, emotional, social, health or financial resources I have remaining. If I were to find myself on the verge of losing the last of my necessary resources, I feared being "stuck" in a life I could not accept — which could be an continuously draining burden to the few remaining loved ones in my life — with no knowledge, means nor ability to effectively take matters into my own hands. One more blow could utterly break me and those I care about. The thoughts of the oh-so-many ways things could be lost or go wrong or not work out crowded and tortured my mind all throughout every wretched day.

After days of reading here (plus reading a few other resources recommended here as well), I was able to determine a peaceful, clean method to CTB that was very acceptable to my sensibilities and tolerances, and was very much within my means/capabilities. Two days ago, I spent my morning driving around to various places where I was able to easily purchase everything I needed to CTB. I'm able to keep them stored and easily accessible for the foreseeable future, and I can have them assembled and "ready to deploy" within an hour, with a peaceful death following soon after.

Having the means to CTB solidly within my control is in and of itself a huge relief for the overwhelming, debilitating anxieties that have been driving my all-obsessive suicidal ideations. I am no longer plagued by all the catastrophizing "what if" thoughts that tormented every waking minute of every excruciating day. The answer to every worst case scenario my anxieties scream at me is: "I have a bus ticket now, so I can choose not to have to deal with that if it were to happen."

I can actually spend significant amounts of time thinking about things besides my ability to check-out in the event things do get worse.

Right now, I still have just enough resources (health, financial, social) to get by for at least the next several months. I can handle now, and fortunately, nothing about now is very likely to change within the immediate future.

And who knows? Those extra few months are enough time for anything to happen. A miracle would be welcome and appreciated; I would love to have a few more years where I was able to to enjoy the things that this world provides to the others who have robust social connections and who don't suffer from crippling anxiety and debilitating Complex-PTSD. Maybe even die a natural death after all? It would be nice to have that luxury…

In the meantime, though, my thoughts still drift throughout each day towards the "bus ticket" I have prepared for assembly. I have some logistics remaining to work out: finishing suicide note(s) I may need, arranging for ways to schedule texts/messages so that someone can be notified to alert the local police/sheriff where to find me (but only after enough time has elapsed to make sure they can't bring me back), etc.

Let me repeat myself, though: open to a miracle over here!

 

[AlreadyGone]

I wouldn't say less suicidal, but more so less impulsive. Since I have all the materials needed, I can now plan my exit.

 

[Lorntroubles]

For me, not less. It helps there's less icky feelings when I talk to others. Great thing you feel things are more manageable.

 

[BrokenHopes]

It has made me less suicidal to be here. It is great to be able to share your feelings and thougts without filters and the fear of being judged. To know you are not alone. To not be alone in your suffering. People showing compassion to eachother. Some pressure inside me can ease when Im here.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I am less suicidal since I joined... but I'm now struggling to chose between life and death and I'm stuck living in limbo.

 

[Disappointered]

For a while I was less, I could even say not, suicidal but that was because I met someone who I was able to befriend who really brightened my life for a few months and then, mostly on impulse, caught the bus. So now, back to where I started. That said, I can reiterate what others said about the safe space with like-minded people being uplifting in itself, even if it doesn't guaranty no longer being suicidal.

 

[Computer Blue]

Does anyone know how to ask the moderators if they can pin this at the top of the forum. I think it would do a lot of good for a lot of people to be able to read this … Especially the enemies of this forum!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've had my ups and downs since I joined last year but the downward spirals were fairly unrelated to this site itself.

 

[Birthinjune]

I made an account here initially to research methods, and a few people have reached out to me after sharing my story. I stopped going to therapy for fear of being institutionalized. And I don't want to burden or worry those closest to me. I tried but was met with comments that my feelings will pass, or with no response at all. Even though they meant well those reactions make you feel more isolated and crazy. To not be able to describe your pain. Or express the one thing you're thinking about constantly.
So although I don't feel less suicidal, yet, I do feel like I have agency. And that means I panic less. I feel seen and accepted and not alone. And those that have reached out to me were so sweet and vulrenable. It meant the world to me for others I've never met to take the time to show empathy when you feel so alone.

 

[Jblack]

I feel a little less like exiting in the near future. Everyone here listens and does not criticize what I say. The site and folks here provide me with a kind of security blanket. No psychiatrist or their pills ever did any of that for me

 

[MeltedJello]

I feel the same way. This place is where I can truly be myself sometimes. In real life, I've never felt the same amount of support from strangers, that I've gotten from here. I used to feel so alone, but finding this site & reading posts from members, has lessened my daily suicidal thoughts. Nothing will ever change the fact that I will eventually commit suicide though. I'll definitely miss this place once I eventually ctb.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

No. BUT, this place makes me feel some comfort. There are people out there who genuinely understand and truly care. Ironic thing is is a "normal" person would think us insane for stating 90% of the things we do. It's truly comforting to be around people who truly "get it". Thank you. Everyone. This site has made the worst part of my life thus far somewhat tolerable.

 

[dandan]

Yup, this site is still good for me, even when my suicidal issues have gone away for now, it's been two years since TRT and two years since I have N in my fridge (expired March 202x)
TRT saved my life , probably for good, however it was 20 years of defective thinking and living, I'll be 40 and i spent 20 years without "living".
I am living and have some big regretts , enormous regretts, Damm..
I now what I want to do ...
I just haven't act yet....

I have to choose to act.... It ain't as easy as said, or perhaps it is?

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, nothing will make me feel less suicidal. I want nothing to do with life and life is not for me. I should never have been born in the first place. All I want is to sleep forever.