Has someone messed with your mind so bad that they ended up breaking you apart. Ever since I met them I havent been the same, they tore my brain apart. They kept loving and hating me to the point my brain just broke. I dont know who I am, i dont feel real, I feel like an entity that's here just to create. I attempted last night, it did workout well I wouldn't call it an attempt more of a practice. They ruined me I was so.much happier before I met them. I was in a dark place, but they sent me to a place even darker, a place where I wont come put alive. My heart is turning cold, my empathy is going away, my emotions are nothing and I'm losing interest in life itself. Who am I? How did i get here? I dont know anymore, I just need to keep creating, my self is going to vanish soon. Love is dangerous and unempathetic, love can destroy your whole psyche. Especially at the hands of someone who wants your soul.
I had a toxic ex... somehow to this day, I still love him with all my heart and would never want him in any harm.. he was the first person to truly try for me and make me feel like I was worth something to someone.
But at the same time... he could be the complete opposite... obviously I was used as a working and fully-functioning sperm-dump... but I felt like he was genuine at first... I was happy..
What I Monitored Over:
-
social media (no social media unless it was for work. All passwords go to him. Now I have 2x authentication security on everything and extreme paranoia)
-
location (was always on for him and if it wasn't, he'd get mad)
-
my money I earn (I'd have to give him money every week for his daily needs/gaming/etc..)
-
mindset (no sad talk, just happy talk)
-
friends (I have no friends bc if I didn't push them away, he'd get angry and I'd get scared. To this day I am still fearful to my knees about making new friends... it's difficult to live in such isolation)
-
where I worked (he made me quit a job because he didn't like my coworkers)
Impact On Me:
-
trust issues (extremely)
-
no interest in love/sex with anyone besides him
- constant
fear/disgust of men
- constant
prejudice against men
- he
took a check from me (it was the most I ever made.. ever) and got
angry when I asked for it back.
- fear of
everything regarding social events/going out the house. I even fear going out to get my nails done
-
self-doubt/low self-worth/extreme self-hatred (started drinking secretly)
- hair falling out in larger amounts than usual due to the
stress (extreme stress till the point of suicidal insomnia)
-
lack of motivation in life
-
fear of rejection
-
loss of will to live (not because of him, but what his ideas represented. They've made me begin to look at myself and hate myself in ways I've never hated myself before... and believe me, I've
always hated myself...)
- extreme
bitterness, anger, and sadness
-
loneliness (he made sure I was home at all times. I've got blank white walls... so it feels like a psych ward when I'm home alone.. it really does drive someone nuts)
What I Provided For Him:
- money (from my minimum wage check and student schedule... kinda tiring)
- begged my manager to give him a job... which he got
fired from on the first day... made me look bad
- food (UberEats/going out to eat)
- loyalty/love (I never strayed. I feared even looking at another man when he was around)
- sex (even when I wasn't up for it or just came straight from work, I'd do it to please him. No one had ever regarded me even close to being noticed besides him... at first)
- attentiveness (Ex. If he wanted me to leave my job early to see him, usually for sex and movies, I'd fake illness to do so)
- did all his paperwork for courses he needed done, despite already having my own pile of things to do
- got a birth control implant. Because he didn't want me pregnant.
I love him, truly. But... after he just left without any type of reason... I knew he'd found someone new... he just didn't see me as attractive anymore (I lack physically). My heart really does hurt. If I could have that same happiness I had all at first without all the shitty hecticness that came right after, I'd do it all over again.
And that, my friends, is one way to fuck someone up mentally. Something far worse than stubbing your toe on a Lego piece at 12AM.