Discussion Happy Fucker's Day to all the dads who make us want to CTB

[not_a_robot]

My father is a huge contributing factor in my eventual suicide, a disgusting monster all my life.
Won't post any more details because I don't want to make anybody puke.

Anybody else? Feel free to vent.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

Thoughts with you today friend, mothers day is my hard day but I think I can relate.

 

[been_there]

From the other perspective, I miss my kids so much. That their mum's probably reading this and enjoying it is demonstrative of human nature.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

I'm sorry for whatever it is your father did to you...

Luckily for me, I am fortunate enough to have a good father. I have a pretty good relationship with my mother and father. Though my mother is an alcoholic, and does stupid shit sometimes, but her heart's in the right place.

 

[Aliaiactaest]

I'm also coming from the other side. My older daughter is 24. Her mother is BPD and she is probably as well. Her mother has consistently poisoned her against me so it is a very fraught relationship and she blames me for a lot. My second marriage will also end in divorce. I'm living apart, missing my 13 yo and feeling very lonely and isolated. It's one of the reasons I want to CTB. I feel without a purpose in my life.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My cat threw up twice on the carpet when I woke up this morning. He obviously doesn't care much for father's day either.

 

[SinisterKid]

Never had kids, so never had a Fathers day of any sort. But I was a good guardian to my partners boy who is like a son to me and a good grandad to his beautiful daughter.

But my old man is a shit, my step father a complete tosser and I am sorry your own father fits right in with them.

 

[lululoo]

My dad is the biggest cause of the path my life has taken. Abusive and shitty genes.

 

[been_there]

My cat threw up twice on the carpet when I woke up this morning. He obviously doesn't care much for father's day either.

oh I don't know, maybe that's a present.

 

[soda_pressed]

Sorry to hear about your relationship with your father.

My dad can be a really lovely guy, but he doesn't have much empathy for things he doesn't understand. He's autistic, as well as me, and often says to me "you have nothing to be depressed about, get yourself together" like thanks

 

[Empty Smile]

My dad had been gone for about 20 years. I can't say anything bad. He raised me and my siblings good, taught us right from wrong, and beat our asses when we needed it.

I'm sorry for all of you who has suffered any wrath from your dad. It's always hard when your own parents treat you like shit. So, many hugs for all of you.

 

[been_there]

@Empty Smile With respect to your dad, nobody ever needs to be physically beaten, whatever they did.

@soda_pressed (and @not_a_robot). The autistic spectrum is so vast, and the understanding of it so limited, am wary of the labels these days. I thought I knew most of the "traits" but then every day I'm proved wrong by another person or book or whatever.

Sometimes it can be helpful for understanding, but usually it feels like a wild generalisation, like saying, well I knew this girl with a birthmark and....

Idk. Do you find people relate to you better or worse when you tell them you're autistic? Or do you not say?

 

[Empty Smile]

>With respect to your dad, nobody ever needs to be physically beaten, whatever they did.

I grew up in the 70s. I know it shouldn't of happened. BUT.... I think because kids aren't spanked anymore, a lot of them have become arrogant little assholes, who now lives in a me me me world. They know they aren't going to get into trouble, so they do as they please.

 

[soda_pressed]

@Empty Smile With respect to your dad, nobody ever needs to be physically beaten, whatever they did.

@soda_pressed (and @not_a_robot). The autistic spectrum is so vast, and the understanding of it so limited, am wary of the labels these days. I thought I knew most of the "traits" but then every day I'm proved wrong by another person or book or whatever.

Sometimes it can be helpful for understanding, but usually it feels like a wild generalisation, like saying, well I knew this girl with a birthmark and....

Idk. Do you find people relate to you better or worse when you tell them you're autistic? Or do you not say?

I think I'm higher functioning than him. I've told no one outside of my family I'm autistic (in my case aspergers) as I only found out recently, and it's such a stigmatised condition that I feel I'd be hated even more if I revealed it.

It doesn't help that every conversation I've listened to when people talk about others with autism/aspergers has been incredibly stereotypical - saying things like they're weird, hated and "not right". I've been in multiple of these conversations, so either I hide my aspergers well enough that they don't see it, or they're all horrible human beings.

 

[not_a_robot]

I think I'm higher functioning than him. I've told no one outside of my family I'm autistic (in my case aspergers) as I only found out recently, and it's such a stigmatised condition that I feel I'd be hated even more if I revealed it.

It doesn't help that every conversation I've listened to when people talk about others with autism/aspergers has been incredibly stereotypical - saying things like they're weird, hated and "not right". I've been in multiple of these conversations, so either I hide my aspergers well enough that they don't see it, or they're all horrible human beings.

yes, the constant masking is a big factor in the autistic suicide rate.
Mask now, suicide later.

New research sheds light on why suicide is more common in autistic people

People who hide their autism by 'camouflaging' to try to fit into society, or who don't receive correct support are at higher risk of suicide, according to new research.

m.medicalxpress.com

 

[inconsequential]

My father was a piece of shit who raped every female in my immediate family. And his sister. He liked to hit my mom & bash my head into things.

On the other hand, my father was an undiagnosed autist who self-medicated with alcohol to the point that he wasn't often himself. This genetic component is probably why I am autistic.

He's dead. I still carry the scars (mental, and physical) of his physical and sexual abuse. I no longer have my mother to cry to. I don't know how to mourn him, if I should, or if my even considering it is a fucking joke. Father's Day is weird.

 

[soda_pressed]

yes, the constant masking is a big factor in the autistic suicide rate.
Mask now, suicide later.

New research sheds light on why suicide is more common in autistic people

People who hide their autism by 'camouflaging' to try to fit into society, or who don't receive correct support are at higher risk of suicide, according to new research.

m.medicalxpress.com

This. I found a Reddit thread (can't remember the exact name) that said the higher functioning someone is, the more likely depression will occur.

Sadly, the article doesn't seem to realise that society is never going to even try to be more tolerant to autistic people.

 

[been_there]

@Empty Smile yeah the 70s were full of violence. Don't think it ever helped anyone though. So what if kids do as they please, if they're not hurting others, that's progress isn't it?

@not_a_robot yes, exactly. This passage especially. It is not for autistic people to change: it is for society to change, to become more welcoming to people who are neurologically different, neurologically more sensitive, and who struggle with disabilities related to socialising, communication, and coping with unexpected change. Society needs to address all neurological difference. In a truly civilised society it would be realised that most "problematic" behaviour is due to disadvantage or circumstance or environment in some way. Its those problems that should be understood and addressed, not the individual stigmatised or punished.

The trouble is, society as a whole is not educated enough, and its easier to do us vs them or whatever. Which is why @soda_pressed has this experience It doesn't help that every conversation I've listened to when people talk about others with autism/aspergers has been incredibly stereotypical - saying things like they're weird, hated and "not right". I've been in multiple of these conversations, so either I hide my aspergers well enough that they don't see it, or they're all horrible human beings.

Idk. It is so hard and people are real shits sometimes. Avoid labels and learn to value yourself and not care about others I suppose.

 

[soda_pressed]

@Empty Smile yeah the 70s were full of violence. Don't think it ever helped anyone though. So what if kids do as they please, if they're not hurting others, that's progress isn't it?

@not_a_robot yes, exactly. This passage especially. It is not for autistic people to change: it is for society to change, to become more welcoming to people who are neurologically different, neurologically more sensitive, and who struggle with disabilities related to socialising, communication, and coping with unexpected change. Society needs to address all neurological difference. In a truly civilised society it would be realised that most "problematic" behaviour is due to disadvantage or circumstance or environment in some way. Its those problems that should be understood and addressed, not the individual stigmatised or punished.

The trouble is, society as a whole is not educated enough, and its easier to do us vs them or whatever. Which is why @soda_pressed has this experience It doesn't help that every conversation I've listened to when people talk about others with autism/aspergers has been incredibly stereotypical - saying things like they're weird, hated and "not right". I've been in multiple of these conversations, so either I hide my aspergers well enough that they don't see it, or they're all horrible human beings.

Idk. It is so hard and people are real shits sometimes. Avoid labels and learn to value yourself and not care about others I suppose.

You're right, but it's easier said than done. I've hit my breaking point in this world and I'll probably/hopefully be gone by next month.

Living is just torture at this point.

 

[been_there]

<< Seconded. I'm 21 (22 in a week) and have too reached my breaking point after having depression on and off for 8 years.
I was going to ctb at 17/18 too but I can honestly say I'm glad I didn't as I've made some amazing memories, and was no way near as logical about how I viewed suicide/mental health issues (if that makes sense). >>

Of course its easier said than done, but breaking points can help you just to stop putting up with what life's actually offering you. I looked at your posts. For what its worth, I tried at 21, and failed, I tried in mid 30s and failed, I tried in mid 40s and failed. Its been on and off shit and now its day to day, but I tell you what, I have some fucking great memories during the off times. Looking back, I can genuninely say that it is definitely worth getting to 37 or so. Especially if you can get into the dont-give-a-shit mindset, which, I promise, is pow----er-----ful.

 

[Severen]

For me, this day is happy sperm donor's day. Because in order for a man to earn and keep the title of "father" then he actually has to be a decent human being. Otherwise, he is not a father. The word "father" comes from a latin word that means a man who is the head of his household with the duty to raise healthy children as future citizens of Rome, to maintain the moral propriety and well being of his household, to honor his clan and ancestral gods and to dutifully participate and if possible, serve in Rome's political, religious and social life. So if a man is a piece of shit human being, such a title doesn't apply to him. Then he is just a sperm donor.

 

[not_a_robot]

My father was a piece of shit who raped every female in my immediate family. And his sister. He liked to hit my mom & bash my head into things.

On the other hand, my father was an undiagnosed autist who self-medicated with alcohol to the point that he wasn't often himself. This genetic component is probably why I am autistic.

He's dead. I still carry the scars (mental, and physical) of his physical and sexual abuse. I no longer have my mother to cry to. I don't know how to mourn him, if I should, or if my even considering it is a fucking joke. Father's Day is weird.

My dad did all that but he's just a fucking psychopath.
My mom was the undiagnosed autistic.
I have a hard time equating that behavior with autism, even in the presence of drugs.
I'm autistic and I would never harm a child or commit rape. I would abuse the child abuser and rape the rapist.

 

[inconsequential]

My dad did all that but he's just a fucking psychopath.
My mom was the undiagnosed autistic.

I think my mom had BPD & some pretty wicked PTSD.

I'm obviously not 100% sure with my father, but. He repeated words frequently, had an obsession with trains and CB radios, only watched C-SPAN and The Weather Channel, and only wore two outfits. Same fabrics every day. Had the same outfit, just like, 10 of them. And only ate the same foods repeatedly; didn't like "new" things, even if they were things that people from his generation commonly enjoyed.

And he only ever looked me in the eyes when he was entirely fucking trashed.

 

[not_a_robot]

I think my mom had BPD & some pretty wicked PTSD.

I'm obviously not 100% sure with my father, but. He repeated words frequently, had an obsession with trains and CB radios, only watched C-SPAN and The Weather Channel, and only wore two outfits. Same fabrics every day. Had the same outfit, just like, 10 of them. And only ate the same foods repeatedly; didn't like "new" things, even if they were things that people from his generation commonly enjoyed.

And he only ever looked me in the eyes when he was entirely fucking trashed.

Yeah that all fits. The violence though. No excuse for it.
On second thought, you are probably right. I have seen autistic men infected with the misogyny of toxic masculinity. They are definitely capable, I just hate knowing it.

 

[Faraway1990]

You're right, but it's easier said than done. I've hit my breaking point in this world and I'll probably/hopefully be gone by next month.

Living is just torture at this point.

I have an ex girlfriend we were together for over 2 years high functioning and so many people said the most outlandish inconsiderate things about her, she was bullied in school for her looks for example so sometimes she gets really OTT about "how she must be ugly because they told that to her" I'm sure you know what I'm saying I encouraged her to get into modeling when I could see she wanted to and she's doing well now she's one of the ones I leave behind that I know I'm going to hurt but I don't feel like I have a choice anymore. This was a response to one of your earlier posts.

I'm CTB this month probably this week seeing how things are going.

 

[not_a_robot]

This. I found a Reddit thread (can't remember the exact name) that said the higher functioning someone is, the more likely depression will occur.

Sadly, the article doesn't seem to realise that society is never going to even try to be more tolerant to autistic people.

I think it's stupid for autistics to expect neurotypicals to change to suit us. Any observation of them will tell you that is not in their nature.
It is up to us to learn to identify each other and help each other learn to adapt and cope, and and we would be able to except for all the medical brainwashing, drilling it into us that the only right way to exist is to be like NT, want what NTs have,
WRONG!!!
WRONG!!!
WRONG!!!
They CONVINCE us we're depressed by keeping us convinced that we are defective for being different.
WRONG!!!

I am just so fucking sick of it, autism is a fucking gift that we think is shit, just because NTs shit all over it!

Anyway I am probably the one who is wrong because I've been shouting this shit at the top of my lungs for 20 years and not one person has agreed with me yet, so everybody is probably right and we should just keep fucking killing ourselves to get out of the NTs way because this is just their world and we don't belong here.

We will disappear like the Neanderthal, fuck us, good fucking riddance, amirite?

 

[been_there]

Not a gift or a defect. its just a thing, like being ginger, or not liking sprouts. Don't let it define you unless that's your thing. Its society and labels and what we teach kids that is the problem. Its bizarre that the curriculum includes all religions, but no political concept beyond capitalism. Or biology without neurology. Or propaganda without advertising. Nobody's given a clue about how it all works, and by the time we realise we're too old or fucked up to do anything about it.

 

[Darkhaven]

Ehh, mine couldn't hurt a flie. He just rarely was there when needed.
He is just a distant and somewhat "free spirit" kind of person, to his parents, to me, to women. Not suited to be a family man.
The worst about him is the toxic, venomous, gold digging vipers he seems to attract with his every passing breath.
Man, i've had it with these women he dates. After divorce he never settled in and the ones that were considered "official" never lasted more than 2/3 years.
I don't know what the hell is with these people, i've had two of them trying to convince him to stop giving me money to pay my college bills and even the money he legally has to give me to help my mother pay for my "basic needs".
They just want it all for them i guess. Shit.

 

[Orin]

I call my dad the "living dead".... he was supposed to die decades ago due to an illness but continues to pump thousands of dollars to prolong his life...most likely because he fears the hell that awaits him...

 

[deltahead]

my father is terrifying to me. not because of him being physically scary or imposing (aside from the two remembered instances of him getting physical with me, probably as some pathetic attempt to be stern and fatherly), but because he is infuriatingly, obviously unfit to raise a child and has always been. he seems to understand or care very little about anything, including his own life. he has never had a "real" job for as long as i've been alive. he's apparently a drug addict and has sold off many things around the house for money, on top of asking me and my mom for money on several occasions, and then i'm the one who has to deal with her paranoia and overprotection and guilt and regret of everything. she must be absolutely disgusted with how much i resemble him. i am too. she's told me how my dad is "retarded" or "has the mind of a child" before. he's told me that my mom was the first "real" girlfriend he's ever had in some bid to be relatable, which actually just horrified me. i can almost visualize the vile mixture of desperation, family pressure, inexperience and unfulfillment that went into conceiving me, followed with baffled oblivious confusion when i didn't turn out the way they planned. i truly do not want to be like him. i don't want to trick some poor, almost normal woman into living with my insanity forever so we can pump out more trash spawn and continue this endless chain of fucking misery. it needs to end. i hope to make it end.

my mom discovered me cutting myself one night when i was 12, and then just kind of ran away after calling my dad, who went on to hold my down in the couch as i cried and spat all over myself, unable to break free. i wonder if he was just disappointed? like i failed at being their golden goose, the thing that would vindicate them and give some meaning to their lives. now they're letting their brothers and sisters pick up the pieces and try to glue me into some disfigured shape that almost looks normal from a distance, so they can all pat themselves on the back and thank God. it won't work and i hate myself for it because i know that i, just like my dad, will have so much money and so many chances dumped on me by people who probably should know better at this point, and i'll waste all of them as i already have been doing. i just wish they'd give up already, it's like trying to revive a fucking corpse. just direct me to my grave and leave me alone.