halleyscomet
halley
- Mar 26, 2024
- 307
It's my birthday as of now in the uk. I have very mixed feelings about it, I am unable to sleep due to this.
I know birthdays are meant to be happy exciting days, and I am looking forward to spending time with my family but it feels so bittersweet. I was considering ctb today but I opted out of it. This is because I'm feeling a bit better with medication at the moment, so I don't need to rush to find a method. The medication has bought me time to come up with a method that I know will work for sure, and who knows maybe the medication will give me the strength to get better somewhat! (to those curious I'm on 50mg Sertaline).
I just feel very numb about it all. While my family are celebrating with me, which I am incredibly grateful for - none of my friends can be bothered to see me, which makes me feel very lonely. I am 19 years old, I should be going out to bars and clubs with my friends but no one wants to come, and I am too vulnerable especially when under the influence to be on my own in these sorts of places. I feel so incredibly lonely, and pathetic, I feel like my autism has stunted me in terms of my progress towards adulthood and independence.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I should of been dead by now. Birthdays are really hard for me because the suicidal thoughts are intense, and now I have to do it all alone because my friends can't be fucked to see me and my family aren't very supportive of that kind of thing. I know it's a very superficial problem, I know I'm doing somewhat better but I don't know, I just feel stupid and invalid and stunted.
I know birthdays are meant to be happy exciting days, and I am looking forward to spending time with my family but it feels so bittersweet. I was considering ctb today but I opted out of it. This is because I'm feeling a bit better with medication at the moment, so I don't need to rush to find a method. The medication has bought me time to come up with a method that I know will work for sure, and who knows maybe the medication will give me the strength to get better somewhat! (to those curious I'm on 50mg Sertaline).
I just feel very numb about it all. While my family are celebrating with me, which I am incredibly grateful for - none of my friends can be bothered to see me, which makes me feel very lonely. I am 19 years old, I should be going out to bars and clubs with my friends but no one wants to come, and I am too vulnerable especially when under the influence to be on my own in these sorts of places. I feel so incredibly lonely, and pathetic, I feel like my autism has stunted me in terms of my progress towards adulthood and independence.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I should of been dead by now. Birthdays are really hard for me because the suicidal thoughts are intense, and now I have to do it all alone because my friends can't be fucked to see me and my family aren't very supportive of that kind of thing. I know it's a very superficial problem, I know I'm doing somewhat better but I don't know, I just feel stupid and invalid and stunted.
I'm sorry you feel this way! I felt similar on my birthday, so I can understand 
birthdays can be so difficult but I hope you can have some cake or something you enjoy today
