so today was my birthday... but like for the past few years, its been nothing but a reminder of how long its been since my life went to shit due to chronic pain (we're at six years now, woohoo). while for others my age its a day to celebrate and have fun with friends, its a day for me to remember just how fucked up my life has become and how i will NEVER be able to change it and live a normal life. my birthday gift? being in even worse pain/discomfort than usual while at work, dealing with people left and right while my body was screaming and i was on the verge of an absolute breakdown due to all the anxiety and stress. i just cant take this cycle anymore... i wake up, in pain, then get ready for work, in pain, get there and deal with annoying people for 8 hours straight, in pain, then get home and sit in a dark room... in pain. then on my days off? i sit in this same room... and my life has been of this quality for six years now. i was only 16 then and had no idea i'd be 22 and still in this spot. i figured life would spare me or something, that everything would work out and i'd be able to live a somewhat normal life by now, but unfortunately, life has screwed me beyond repair.
i was honestly contemplating getting home and swallowing a couple of bottles of advil, as stupid as it sounds... normally i wouldnt do something so impulsive, but after so many years of physical and mental torment, its impossible to not have your spirit broken. i NEED to escape from this. i was going to try one last time to fix my pain through stem cell therapy, but i have a feeling it will be like every other time where my hopes are built up only to be crushed, then im discarded and expected to go about life as if its "just fine". its NOT, i WONT fucking allow myself to go through this anymore, i dont deserve this shit, most people dont... but idk, tonight might not be the night.
anyways, thats how my birthday has been going everyone :) lets hope i dont make it to 23 unless a miracle happens!
i was honestly contemplating getting home and swallowing a couple of bottles of advil, as stupid as it sounds... normally i wouldnt do something so impulsive, but after so many years of physical and mental torment, its impossible to not have your spirit broken. i NEED to escape from this. i was going to try one last time to fix my pain through stem cell therapy, but i have a feeling it will be like every other time where my hopes are built up only to be crushed, then im discarded and expected to go about life as if its "just fine". its NOT, i WONT fucking allow myself to go through this anymore, i dont deserve this shit, most people dont... but idk, tonight might not be the night.
anyways, thats how my birthday has been going everyone :) lets hope i dont make it to 23 unless a miracle happens!
