Half hearted attempt tomorrow

[paperwork]

I think I'm gonna attempt co2 inhalation tomorrow? I'm assuming it isnt going to take because I'm not securing the bag around my neck. I'm gonna put about a cup each of citric acid and baking soda into a half gallon jar, add about 2 cups of water, rubber band a trash bag to the top after removing as much air as possible from the bag, letting it fill most of the way (adding water as needed to keep the reaction going), then I'm going to sit in the tub and hold the trash bag cinched around my neck with my hands. I want to see what it feels like, stupidly enough. I've inhaled what could fit in a ziplock bag directly to the face and I've mostly passed out, like losing control of my body and gasping and everything sounding like its coming out of a tin can, but i haven't got to complete lights out. Am I just going to be giving myself brain damage? I chose the tub in case I soil myself for easy cleanup. I dont know exactly what is wrong with me. I have a decent life, a loving partner, a cat, but I have not been able to shake the desire to ctb for so many years. It's like curiosity mixed with apathy. No matter how happy I am, I've never been able to shake the thoughts of killimg myself. It's been like this for 15 years.

 

[paperwork]

Well, can't do it today, there's been a change in schedule and I no longer have time alone. We'll see when some time opens up