shiny_quill
Member
- Jun 21, 2023
- 26
This might seem superficial, and really? It is, I just need this off my chest.
I had a fight with a friend recently... Well, not so recently but I'm re-reading the his texts, looking for something, anything I did wrong, any reason why he was so mad at me, and it's maddening for me. I don't want to keep going, even when re-reading my texts, yes, I had moments of anger, as anyone does, but I tried taking distances, he insisted so I ignored him because I didn't want to direct my anger toward him, and I explained it yet he called me entitled, self-important, self-assured and pathetic... No one would ever speak such words without at least some hurt, and I still don't know how I hurt him.
I can't keep hurting people I care about, this exact scenario had already happened once in the past. Every time people get close, they hate what they see, they hate me, that's just how it is yet I crave just some love I never get, I drown people in positive affirmations, attentions, gifts, drop my life and anything I'm doing at any sign of distress, every time someone needs me I try being here, only for people to turn on me when I just need some love, just some care, just someone to tell me they want me there without me having to almost beg for it. I can't spend my life begging for love, not letting anyone close while having to be there for others in order not to go back to this. I feel so lonely. I only really have my best friend. I love her so much, but sometimes I don't. If soulmates exist, she is mine for sure, I would burn the world for her, but she's not asking me to burn the world, she's asking me to stay alive, and that's he hardest thing she could ask me to do. 8 billions people on this Earth and she choses to spend time with me, care for me, be there for me when I need her most all while setting and respecting boundaries. She calls me every once in a while to check in, she tells me about her days when she thinks about it (she has ADHD, so not the best object permanence), sends me pictures of things that remind her of me, tells me she loves me out of nowhere, just because she feels like saying it, and so much more. I feel so ungrateful for wanting more, she deserves much better than me. I don't even know what she likes in me, usually when I ask she answers that "I'm me" and that's enough for her but really? I've been called pathetic, entitled, self-assured and self-important, and those are not words chosen just because, there has to be some truth to them, and I'm so dense I can't even see that! I'm gonna hurt her too eventually, and I can't live with the thought.
All I need to CTB is at home, but I'm not home during the week, so I need to plan ahead which I'm honestly just the worst at. My will is written, just not signed yet, I have informations written down about what I want for my "funeral", if my family doesn't respect that, it's their loss, it's not like I'll be there to judge anymore. I just don't want them to invite anyone. I don't want anyone to be sad over me and honestly? Even with my full, extended family, even with the sister I never met and the one I don't see anymore, it wouldn't exceed 20 persons attending, which is pitiful, and I don't want that, but my mom would. I hate her. She never understands that her wants aren't mine, no matter how much I tell her. She wants a big, fancy reception for herself, so she thinks everyone wants that and I just hope she won't do that for me, but again, it's not like I'd be there to judge. I'm just sad to know that, on the whole of planet Earth, really there is 1 person caring about me and I'll be letting her down. I love her so much.
I had a fight with a friend recently... Well, not so recently but I'm re-reading the his texts, looking for something, anything I did wrong, any reason why he was so mad at me, and it's maddening for me. I don't want to keep going, even when re-reading my texts, yes, I had moments of anger, as anyone does, but I tried taking distances, he insisted so I ignored him because I didn't want to direct my anger toward him, and I explained it yet he called me entitled, self-important, self-assured and pathetic... No one would ever speak such words without at least some hurt, and I still don't know how I hurt him.
I can't keep hurting people I care about, this exact scenario had already happened once in the past. Every time people get close, they hate what they see, they hate me, that's just how it is yet I crave just some love I never get, I drown people in positive affirmations, attentions, gifts, drop my life and anything I'm doing at any sign of distress, every time someone needs me I try being here, only for people to turn on me when I just need some love, just some care, just someone to tell me they want me there without me having to almost beg for it. I can't spend my life begging for love, not letting anyone close while having to be there for others in order not to go back to this. I feel so lonely. I only really have my best friend. I love her so much, but sometimes I don't. If soulmates exist, she is mine for sure, I would burn the world for her, but she's not asking me to burn the world, she's asking me to stay alive, and that's he hardest thing she could ask me to do. 8 billions people on this Earth and she choses to spend time with me, care for me, be there for me when I need her most all while setting and respecting boundaries. She calls me every once in a while to check in, she tells me about her days when she thinks about it (she has ADHD, so not the best object permanence), sends me pictures of things that remind her of me, tells me she loves me out of nowhere, just because she feels like saying it, and so much more. I feel so ungrateful for wanting more, she deserves much better than me. I don't even know what she likes in me, usually when I ask she answers that "I'm me" and that's enough for her but really? I've been called pathetic, entitled, self-assured and self-important, and those are not words chosen just because, there has to be some truth to them, and I'm so dense I can't even see that! I'm gonna hurt her too eventually, and I can't live with the thought.
All I need to CTB is at home, but I'm not home during the week, so I need to plan ahead which I'm honestly just the worst at. My will is written, just not signed yet, I have informations written down about what I want for my "funeral", if my family doesn't respect that, it's their loss, it's not like I'll be there to judge anymore. I just don't want them to invite anyone. I don't want anyone to be sad over me and honestly? Even with my full, extended family, even with the sister I never met and the one I don't see anymore, it wouldn't exceed 20 persons attending, which is pitiful, and I don't want that, but my mom would. I hate her. She never understands that her wants aren't mine, no matter how much I tell her. She wants a big, fancy reception for herself, so she thinks everyone wants that and I just hope she won't do that for me, but again, it's not like I'd be there to judge. I'm just sad to know that, on the whole of planet Earth, really there is 1 person caring about me and I'll be letting her down. I love her so much.
