SomewhatLoved
all bleeding stops eventually...
- Apr 12, 2023
- 353
I have a coworker - she's probably right around the age of my mom. Right from when I started working at this job just over 7 months ago, she has suggested on multiple occasions that she could set me up with her daughter. She's said to me that I seem so put together, so focused and driven, so sweet, whatever. I always turned her down. When I initially said no she even started trying to sell me on it, saying her daughter wants to be a lawyer and whatever. I'm sure her daughter is a great person, but I just can't see myself with anyone. I remember once she was having this conversation with me in front of another coworker, and the other coworker looked at me and said "I have a daughter too you know" or something like that.
Recently she was talking to me and it somehow came up that at the end of the month I'm taking a week off to do a road trip. She asked if I was going with anyone and I just said no. I think she half-jokingly asked "are you taking a girl with you?" or something like that. I told her I would be strapping an axe and a tent to my motorcycle, putting some canned food in the saddlebag, and just riding off on a trip for about 5 days. She then asked me "do you just like being alone?" and when I asked her what she meant she elaborated that it seems like I'm never interested in dating or even having friends as I never even talk about going out with people like my other coworkers do.
It felt so strange. I don't really talk about my personal life at work beyond surface level stuff like discussing vacation plans, and I think this has resulted in me almost having two separate personalities. One at work where I just seem professional and hardworking and nothing else, and my personal side where I'm a complete mess. My work partner (who I work with 40 hours a week every week) even joked he doesn't know anything about me other than the fact I like motorcycles. I spend more time with that man than literally anyone else in my life by a longshot. This has resulted in her thinking I'm just misanthropic or something and have no desire to be with anyone - either as a friend or partner. I think if I told my coworkers that I have BPD, depression, etc, they would think I'm joking and just not believe me.
She couldn't be more wrong. I desperately crave companionship and love. I've wanted to get married as long as I could remember, and it's really the only constant desire I've had in life. But it just feels like it's become so unobtainable, I'm not even pursuing it now. I'm mentally unwell and difficult to love, I self-sabotage, I'm a hateful and pessimistic person. I think I could only really be with someone if they were similarly hateful towards the world, and even I know that type of relationship probably isn't sustainable. I don't really go out unless it's to work or do errands like shopping. I live the life of a recluse, but I hate it.
It almost feels funny that she has perceived me as the exact opposite of what I am. I'm not even really sure how to describe the way I felt when she explained what she meant to me other than strange or out of place. It sounded like she was talking about someone completely different, I don't know how I've created this separate personality that seems to be the exact opposite of who I actually am outside of work.
Currently listening to: "I Could Forget Myself" by Seventh Seance
Recently she was talking to me and it somehow came up that at the end of the month I'm taking a week off to do a road trip. She asked if I was going with anyone and I just said no. I think she half-jokingly asked "are you taking a girl with you?" or something like that. I told her I would be strapping an axe and a tent to my motorcycle, putting some canned food in the saddlebag, and just riding off on a trip for about 5 days. She then asked me "do you just like being alone?" and when I asked her what she meant she elaborated that it seems like I'm never interested in dating or even having friends as I never even talk about going out with people like my other coworkers do.
It felt so strange. I don't really talk about my personal life at work beyond surface level stuff like discussing vacation plans, and I think this has resulted in me almost having two separate personalities. One at work where I just seem professional and hardworking and nothing else, and my personal side where I'm a complete mess. My work partner (who I work with 40 hours a week every week) even joked he doesn't know anything about me other than the fact I like motorcycles. I spend more time with that man than literally anyone else in my life by a longshot. This has resulted in her thinking I'm just misanthropic or something and have no desire to be with anyone - either as a friend or partner. I think if I told my coworkers that I have BPD, depression, etc, they would think I'm joking and just not believe me.
She couldn't be more wrong. I desperately crave companionship and love. I've wanted to get married as long as I could remember, and it's really the only constant desire I've had in life. But it just feels like it's become so unobtainable, I'm not even pursuing it now. I'm mentally unwell and difficult to love, I self-sabotage, I'm a hateful and pessimistic person. I think I could only really be with someone if they were similarly hateful towards the world, and even I know that type of relationship probably isn't sustainable. I don't really go out unless it's to work or do errands like shopping. I live the life of a recluse, but I hate it.
It almost feels funny that she has perceived me as the exact opposite of what I am. I'm not even really sure how to describe the way I felt when she explained what she meant to me other than strange or out of place. It sounded like she was talking about someone completely different, I don't know how I've created this separate personality that seems to be the exact opposite of who I actually am outside of work.
Currently listening to: "I Could Forget Myself" by Seventh Seance
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