Discussion Guilty but clearly not that guilty..

[spicerymer]

I think there are various factors that prevent me from attempting to CTB.
The first one being the guilt of what it would do to my family, I'd be ending their lives at the same time as ending mine. Or if not ending theres, scarring them irreversibly.
I don't know whether it's intentional but I've been arguing more with them and getting angry about things that I didn't used to.
It's having a series of effects like making me feel less guilty out of spite but also motivating me in a less depressed way and a more 'fuck you' kinda way.
And I lecture on about this guilt I feel but I'm clearly not that guilty or else I'd be trying every possible way to get better. But I've just totally given up on existing.
I can't function and I can't be alone with my feelings and thoughts without immediately resorting to drastic suicidal ideations.
I've used the 'discussion' prefix rather than venting (even though this really is just a big vent) because I want some other peoples opinions on why the guilt can literally eat away at me to the point where it makes me dysfunctional but not enough to change or to try be better?

 

[00ps]

late response but i hope that's okay :-)
this response also got way out of hand for length but i hope it's helpful
the TL;DR is at the end

i like to call this "guilt paralysis" where you're kind of in this situation where you have a ton of guilt but aren't actually doing anything to resolve that guilt. i've had it a ton and i think it's just one of the three ways people deal with guilt (changing positively, changing negatively, and staying the same).

i think at some point you've exhausted yourself to the point of not having energy to do things, such as doing something different to feel less guilty. at risk of stating the obvious, suicidal ideation is exhausting. to be suicidal is to go against the human nature of living which has been biologically engineered into our brain to encourage our species to survive. i would have to assume that, to be suicidal, you've been battling your very natural instincts which can lead to extreme exhaustion.

death is literally not comprehensible for our brains and so choosing it is a big deal for our brains because we don't even understand it. and this can also lead to mental exhaustion.

there's a lot of things with suicidal ideation that leads to exhaustion (not to mention all the things that may have caused you to be suicidal). and doing things and changing your situation takes mental effort. when you're running low on that effort and fuel because you're just done with it all, you won't do anything. it's going to be a thousand times harder than normal and the pay off won't feel that good.

your guilt actions are an unreliable way to measure your guilt. you can have the most guilt in the world and not take any actions about it because of the situation and mental state.

TL;DR
suicide is exhausting and uses mental resources and doing stuff about guilt takes mental resources that you may not have. therefore, guilt levels don't always match guilt actions.