Venting Guilt of Past Mistakes

[IsolatedPotato17]

i've been dealing with a lot of guilt lately. it gets worse every day. everything i've done , all the lives i've ruined and everyone i've hurt or pushed away. months ago i had started praying for something bad to happen to me as i was not strong and commited enough to ctb back then , but then i decided to ctb after practically begging for my own death for so long. everything was well planned and all the equipments were ready. ( i was using the helium exit bag method ) but one of my family member found the unfinished suicide note that i had failed to hide properly. and they said they'd kill themselves and the whole family if i ctb. so i guess it's back to praying now , the only reason im still here is because im afraid of them punishing themselves after im gone. i don't know how much longer i can hold onto but i really fucking hope it isn't long cause I'm so fucking tired. after everything i've done , i'd only be doing the world a favour by removing myself out of it.

 

[Live and Let Die]

Just think about that for a second though. You are worth multiple lives to someone, that's pretty amazing. Despite all the wrongs you think you've done, someone sees past that and would CTB to stay with you even in the afterlife.

Which leads to my point, I understand how heavy the weight of guilt can be, and I feel awful you have to go through that multiple times over. But you're still worth a lot to someone. If you're certain CTB is the right choice then I wish you a peaceful departing, but if you're on the fence after what that person said. I would like you to reconsider, someone else has accepted your mistakes and chose to look past them, you should too.

Best wishes regardless of the outcome,
LoLD

 

[AerialBoundaries]

It's the number 1 thing that consumes me and wish I could go back and fix. Anybody I ever hurt in life, I didn't mean to. It came from a place of hurt. I've never physically hurt anybody, for clarification.

I've been struggling for almost 2 decades, but the worst thing of it all, is the guilt. I know people are worried sick about me and wondering if they'll get that knock on the door one day about me, or even worse find me dead themselves.

I'm definitely not sticking around for myself, these days. I'm with you there.

 

[poa.alpina]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it really sounds terrible.
Remember, our opinions are never objective. While you might consider yourself an evil person, others would never agree with that.

Threatening you (because this is it) is simply unacceptable...

I'm sending a lot of hugs to you. I wish i could help you relieve these feelings.

 

[Live and Let Die]

Threatening you (because this is it) is simply unacceptable...

You're referring to the way that person reacted upon finding the partial note right? If so, I don't think that was threatening them as much as it was threatening themself. The proper amount of vulgarity and sense of urgency was needed for that person to convey the correct amount of emotion. Does it go against our beliefs? maybe, but it does not invalidate how that person was feeling at that moment.

PS. I'm really glad to see how much love this forum spreads to users, I do not want to start drama but rather share opinions c:

 

[poa.alpina]

You're referring to the way that person reacted upon finding the partial note right? If so, I don't think that was threatening them as much as it was threatening themself. The proper amount of vulgarity and sense of urgency was needed for that person to convey the correct amount of emotion. Does it go against our beliefs? maybe, but it does not invalidate how that person was feeling at that moment.

PS. I'm really glad to see how much love this forum spreads to users, I do not want to start drama but rather share opinions c:

I'm referring to the part where a family member said "they'd kill themselves and the whole family". Sounds NOT OK to me :( Unless I simply misunderstood. This sentence created an image in my mind of someone finding out about OP's death and going on a killstreak...
Correct me if I'm wrong

 

[Lost Magic]

I honestly do not know what to do if I was in your shoes as I have no family to complicate matters. However, if that family member is intending on murdering the rest of your family if you ctb, that sounds devastating.

 

[Live and Let Die]

This sentence created an image in my mind of someone finding out about OP's death and going on a killstreak...

I'd like to believe the "Whole Family" part was an exaggeration. If it isn't, then OP's family member has an unhealthy obsession with OP. I don't think you're wrong just maybe misunderstood what that family member meant. If someone I truly cared about (let's say my s/o) wanted to CTB and I found their unfinished note, forcing them to understand how much they mean to not just me but everyone around them might be one of the things I do. I wouldn't want to talk to them they way I would having found that out, and it's selfish of me to do so, but as someone who would be able to see further into the future than someone who's on the verge of ending it all, I would have to in order for them to see what I see.

I honestly do not know what to do if I was in your shoes as I have no family to complicate matters. However, if that family member is intending on murdering the rest of your family if you ctb, that sounds devastating.

I'd hope that family member wasn't serious about killing the rest of the family. I truly believe they solely said that to put how much OP means to them into perspective.

 

[SexyIncél]

Sounds like pure bluff. It doesn't even make rational sense, if you think about it. If they're so much against your death, they obviously will not add to the body count. If they were really so inclined to slaughter the entire family, your death would almost certainly be irrelevant to their decision. And to illustrate the point, they'd demonstrate brutality on some weak family member, to keep you in line. And you'd have to figure out how to incapacitate/eliminate such a mass murdering psychopath before McDonald's stops selling McRibs and they start shooting everyone

People here struggle even to end themselves

Anything is possible, but some things are very improbable. More likely the intended meaning of those words: causing you to act exactly as you're now acting

In any case, you can also consider fixing your mistakes. You can describe them here if you need perspective on how bad they were. If they're unfixable, you can help others. Until you're satisfied you've done enough. Sorry if this is offtopic though

 

[IsolatedPotato17]

I'm referring to the part where a family member said "they'd kill themselves and the whole family". Sounds NOT OK to me :( Unless I simply misunderstood. This sentence created an image in my mind of someone finding out about OP's death and going on a killstreak...
Correct me if I'm wrong

im pretty sure they just said that so that they could keep me from attempting again. but my family ( we're a super small one ) is the only reason im tryna stay. even though i have absolutely no will or reason to.

 

[poa.alpina]

I'm sorry for my misunderstanding then
it happens a lot

 

[ExistHarm]

i have so much regret...so much of it is not even that bad relatively, and yet it frequently consumes me....it is just in some people's nature to never be able to settle or forgive themselves i think...well, its never right to say human nature is ever fixed, but there are certainly people more fit to find peace while alive.