- Mar 16, 2023
i've been dealing with a lot of guilt lately. it gets worse every day. everything i've done , all the lives i've ruined and everyone i've hurt or pushed away. months ago i had started praying for something bad to happen to me as i was not strong and commited enough to ctb back then , but then i decided to ctb after practically begging for my own death for so long. everything was well planned and all the equipments were ready. ( i was using the helium exit bag method ) but one of my family member found the unfinished suicide note that i had failed to hide properly. and they said they'd kill themselves and the whole family if i ctb. so i guess it's back to praying now , the only reason im still here is because im afraid of them punishing themselves after im gone. i don't know how much longer i can hold onto but i really fucking hope it isn't long cause I'm so fucking tired. after everything i've done , i'd only be doing the world a favour by removing myself out of it.