Venting guilt of eating

[garbagekan]

my eating disorder came back and i really wasnt happy about it but i also kinda realized i never stopped having one. i think ive had ARFID since i was a kid because i always had stomach problems with food and id be too scared to eat it to the point of not eating. then in middle i had anorexia but then went back to "normal". i was so ashamed for having it come back but i needed some type of control. i had to do a physically laboring task today that i really tried to avoid because i knew id need to eat and i nearly passed out since its been two weeks since i last ate. i absolutely had to keep up appearances so i ate a whole meal. and obviously i cant do anything normally because i always eat too much or too little. i just kept on eating and felt like shit.

now that im home i cant stop crying. i feel like i lost all my "progress" whatever the hell that means. i want to throw up so bad but its been hours since i ate i know it wont change anythjng but i still feel so nauseous and disgusting. i feel i need to get it out i feel so horrible and guilty i wish i could go back in time and make it never happen. i wish i could die so i can make this all go away i always destroy myself when i cant.
i really feel so disgusting