Venting Guilt, feeling undeserving

[Jon Arbuckle]

One of the main reasons I want to CTB is guilt. I feel super miserable about a lot of things, especially things I've done to people and my friends
I still feel super miserable about what I did to my friend, I put so much pressure on them and I basically wrote them a fucking suicide note of course they didn't want to talk to me anymore. I so badly want to apologize and make things right but it's been a month now and I know it's just going to open old wounds, there's no way it could possibly end well.
I've been back on my old medication and I can literally feel it dampening my emotions, my mood is more "stable" but I don't want it to be. I want to feel sad, I want to feel guilty, it's the least I deserve for being such an awful person and hurting my friend.

 

[Randy Savage]

It sucks to lose friends over suicidal feelings and the actions we take as a result of them. You need to take a moment and reflect on this though before you try to hurt yourself. You're deserving of so much more than trying to make yourself worse.

I really think you should try to let this go at some point when you've had some time to think things over. I don't think you really did anything so horrible, and I don't think your friend thinks that either. A lot of people just have a boundary with suicide, justified or not, and if you cross that boundary they'll feel like they have to let you go. It sucks, but the best thing you can do for both you and your friend at this point is to grow from this and use it as a learning opportunity of maybe how to express suicidal feelings to people who may not be totally ready to receive such feelings.

Wishing you the best Jon Arbuckle.