Venting Guilt controls me.

[HayBunny23]

My whole existence is controlled by guilt. I feel like it's the main reason I can't live, and the reason I can't die. I want to die. I just want to die more than anything. I feel like I can't die because I haven't been punished enough yet, that I haven't paid the price for what I've done wrong.
I just know if I don't die, it'll only be due to the horrible weight of the guilt. I really don't deserve a peaceful death. I'll fail my attempt I'm planning, like I always do. That's why I'll be forced to stay. I want to fix my wrongs, but my wrongs are impossible to fix. I should stay and take my punishment.
Im tired of my stupid little pity party.
I think I can suck the soul and happiness right out of a good person just by proximity.
I wish I could hire someone to punch me every time I opened my mouth. To eat or to talk. Just follow me around all day and punch my mouth FN shut for me. I'm so tired of complaining.
I'm absolutely worthless as a wife, a member of society, and just a human. I'm a user and abuser and I'll never change. Yet, for some reason, I still feel like no one will ever hate me as much as I hate myself. I'll never forgive myself for failing my ctb attempts, or trying to get better.
I hate myself. I hurt myself all the time, but it never hurts as much as I want it to. I hurt my husband more than I hurt myself doing it. I scream to die. All I'm doing is hurting my husband by making him watch. Now I have to force him to leave while he begs and tells me lies about what a good and loveable person I am. How much he wants to love me. F@ck. Why can't I just be good?

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I, too, am riddled with guilt. It absolutely consumes me. When it gets particularly bad, I can't eat, I can't focus on anything and I just waste away in my own thoughts.

I never have bad intentions, but when people get close to me, it always ends in tears. All the negative things I've ever done in life, came from a place of hurt. When I was a somewhat happy child, I never hurt anybody. This mental decline has changed me so much over the years. I try to see guilt as a good emotion to feel, as I have to believe I'm a redeemable person, but it's extremely difficult.

I absolutely abhor myself.

 

[HayBunny23]

Right now I'm combating the urge to slice myself open with razor blades I bought and hid under the sink. My hubby will be very very sad if I do that so I'm trying not to. Once he is gone, I won't have to hold back anymore.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Right now I'm combating the urge to slice myself open with razor blades I bought and hid under the sink. My hubby will be very very sad if I do that so I'm trying not to. Once he is gone, I won't have to hold back anymore.

I get that the temptation is there to hurt yourself, because you may feel you deserve it in some way, but please reconsider physically harming yourself.

Human beings, are fundamentally flawed in nature. We'll make mistakes, hurt people and hurt ourselves in the process. The fact that there's guilt and remorse, is a positive sign. There would be more concern if you didn't have any guilt.

 

[HayBunny23]

The fact that there's guilt and remorse, is a positive sign. There would be more concern if you didn't have any guilt.

I feel like the guilt is just an excuse to not be better. "I feel guilty for it so it's okay." Guilt only matters if you change. Maybe if I got really punished then I'd actually change and be a better person.

 

[HayBunny23]

I regret not hanging myself while my husband was at work today. Now I get to ruin everything again, yay!

 

[violetchiwawa]

I understand 1000%! The thing is I don't want to stay alive because my mere existence and incompetency is a huge burden to others. I do suffer in life but because of my suffering my loved ones suffer too and that's not fair at all. It would only make me feel more guilty which is a good thing (source of pain) but I'm hurting others in the process, so no.

Ideally I'd have a tortuous death, one that lasts a long time and makes me beg to live again. I genuinely feel like I deserve such a thing and I'd welcome it. I'm no coward and I understand what I deserve.

Chances are though you're not as bad a person as you think you are. We both struggle with rock bottom self esteem and although we have our flaws I'm sure you're not as bad as you make yourself out to be, you just feel unable to care for yourself. If you actually want to help the issue begin seeing yourself as another person or better yet a child who's still learning things. Despite your deepest wishes I hope you pass peacefully.