I'm still attending all of my appointments. That includes a therapy group (which they keep reminding us isn't meant to be therapeutic but just an introduction to a particular kind of therapy). I know it may sound counterintuitive, given I'm committed to killing myself, but the way I see it, if you suddenly start acting out, it raises suspicion. Saying that, I don't think anyone would notice. That's just a fact. But I'm not going to take the chance anyway. I also try to tone down the lightness in my step. It sounds strange but after you make that decision and you know it will all be over soon, you suddenly feel invincible. You feel giddy. It's not always like that, and the heaviness creeps back in often, but you keep calm and carry on.
This group session I go to every week is a regular confirmation of why I'm right, why what I feel is right, even in the face of professionals trying to explain myself to me, with the help of a powerpoint presentation. All they do, each week, is repeat the behaviour I'm used to: overlook my feelings in favour of someone else's, invite me to say more when really they don't want to know. If you're more reserved about your inner world and your emotions, don't expect to feel heard in a group setting.
It's also entirely hypocritical. I'm told that my deficits include inflexible thoughts, and what do they do? They come up with a table of emotions and the signs someone displays when they feel a certain emotion. At least say it's not exhaustive. I don't show how I feel in the way they describe. Does that make me the problem? Because I don't fit their manualised version of the human experience? Who does? This week just gone I was answering a question and it was one of the few times I forgot to filter myself. I saw the same facilitator who'd asked me the question, look over at another group member and then quickly move on after I'd finished talking. She wasn't thinking about anything I said. On the contrary, she was thinking about how the other group member felt about what I said.
Why does every different branch of therapy feel like a cult? Everyone is so sure that their way is right. They emphasise the principals of their therapy repeatedly. Nobody can deviate from it. This thing that I told you to do didn't work? Well you must have done it wrong. Yes, you. YOU. YOU ARE WRONG THIS IS HOW WE FIX YOU.
Others may disagree, but this is how I see it: group therapy is just like being back at school. The teachers have favourites, there are loud, annoying pupils, there are the ones that get all the attention and you have to follow rules that make no sense. You crave the validation of teachers so you say what you think they want to hear, but you know none of this matters. I may sound a bit bitter here, and perhaps I am slightly. That's because I'm forced to subject myself to this pain every week, and whilst I see others being heard, understood, even liked, I'm still invisible.
They keep saying that part of the therapy is trying things out with group members and getting a different response to what you're used to. Am I really supposed to assign meaning to the artificial scenarios they create in a therapeutic setting and see that as 'evidence' of anything other has bullshit?
They just box you in. They create this profile of you, thinking they have any sense of who you are. They've labelled me as angry. That's me. Everyone else is 'anxious', 'depressed', 'vulnerable', 'distressed' and 'fragile'. I'm just angry. Yes, that's me. So much for curiosity. It's not about curiosity it's about compliance. The other group members can be as chaotic as they like, as long as it doesn't involve anger. No anger. Anger bad.
These therapists think they're so radical with their encouragement of feedback, and their open dialogue. Strip it back and all it is is them asking you stuff. The act of asking is enough to tick the box. Don't expect them to understand it, hear it, register it, apply it, respond to it, give a fuck about it.
Shall I tell you something? Therapy like this is made for those unfortunate people who need to be told certain things in order to endure the world. It wasn't their therapy that got me to this stage. It wasn't any of those therapists. It wasn't anyone but me. And I won't take lectures from the same people who want to tell me my personality is clinically flawed.
I was mugged once, and after pushing me to the ground, the woman told me: 'you need to toughen up darling, there are worse people in the world than me.' And she was right. The worst people are the ones who proclaim to help. The people who are positioned as saviours and saints. They don't care about ending my suffering. They don't even see it. And yet they hold so much power. I wouldn't trust any therapy that relies on you quantifying your pain.
I really won't miss it one bit.
This group session I go to every week is a regular confirmation of why I'm right, why what I feel is right, even in the face of professionals trying to explain myself to me, with the help of a powerpoint presentation. All they do, each week, is repeat the behaviour I'm used to: overlook my feelings in favour of someone else's, invite me to say more when really they don't want to know. If you're more reserved about your inner world and your emotions, don't expect to feel heard in a group setting.
It's also entirely hypocritical. I'm told that my deficits include inflexible thoughts, and what do they do? They come up with a table of emotions and the signs someone displays when they feel a certain emotion. At least say it's not exhaustive. I don't show how I feel in the way they describe. Does that make me the problem? Because I don't fit their manualised version of the human experience? Who does? This week just gone I was answering a question and it was one of the few times I forgot to filter myself. I saw the same facilitator who'd asked me the question, look over at another group member and then quickly move on after I'd finished talking. She wasn't thinking about anything I said. On the contrary, she was thinking about how the other group member felt about what I said.
Why does every different branch of therapy feel like a cult? Everyone is so sure that their way is right. They emphasise the principals of their therapy repeatedly. Nobody can deviate from it. This thing that I told you to do didn't work? Well you must have done it wrong. Yes, you. YOU. YOU ARE WRONG THIS IS HOW WE FIX YOU.
Others may disagree, but this is how I see it: group therapy is just like being back at school. The teachers have favourites, there are loud, annoying pupils, there are the ones that get all the attention and you have to follow rules that make no sense. You crave the validation of teachers so you say what you think they want to hear, but you know none of this matters. I may sound a bit bitter here, and perhaps I am slightly. That's because I'm forced to subject myself to this pain every week, and whilst I see others being heard, understood, even liked, I'm still invisible.
They keep saying that part of the therapy is trying things out with group members and getting a different response to what you're used to. Am I really supposed to assign meaning to the artificial scenarios they create in a therapeutic setting and see that as 'evidence' of anything other has bullshit?
They just box you in. They create this profile of you, thinking they have any sense of who you are. They've labelled me as angry. That's me. Everyone else is 'anxious', 'depressed', 'vulnerable', 'distressed' and 'fragile'. I'm just angry. Yes, that's me. So much for curiosity. It's not about curiosity it's about compliance. The other group members can be as chaotic as they like, as long as it doesn't involve anger. No anger. Anger bad.
These therapists think they're so radical with their encouragement of feedback, and their open dialogue. Strip it back and all it is is them asking you stuff. The act of asking is enough to tick the box. Don't expect them to understand it, hear it, register it, apply it, respond to it, give a fuck about it.
Shall I tell you something? Therapy like this is made for those unfortunate people who need to be told certain things in order to endure the world. It wasn't their therapy that got me to this stage. It wasn't any of those therapists. It wasn't anyone but me. And I won't take lectures from the same people who want to tell me my personality is clinically flawed.
I was mugged once, and after pushing me to the ground, the woman told me: 'you need to toughen up darling, there are worse people in the world than me.' And she was right. The worst people are the ones who proclaim to help. The people who are positioned as saviours and saints. They don't care about ending my suffering. They don't even see it. And yet they hold so much power. I wouldn't trust any therapy that relies on you quantifying your pain.
I really won't miss it one bit.
