murderatruemorgue
Member
- Feb 17, 2024
- 43
Hello. 'New' peep. Been lurking for a couple months sorta. I tried joining a while back, but my comp is a mess and I somehow 'lost' the email I'd made to join (for privacy) BUT here I am. Honestly popping in here and there when I'm at my wit's end has weirdly been the only thing staying my hand at some points.
I'm to the point where there's nothing left in this world for me. My wife and I were high school sweethearts; went to college together, I worked for about a decade, we got married. Together 13 years. We were each other's only family at different points; her mom forbid her from coming back home for years once she turned 18 because she was homophobic AF, and we distanced myself from my own family for a few years too when my mother voted to outlaw same-sex marriage in our state. Eventually our family grew, but she was always at the center.
She passed away suddenly 6 years ago. I woke up to her going into cardiac arrest, and though we made it to the hospital in the ambulance, she passed away within minutes. She never woke up. She was 30 years old.
I thought at the time it would be the hardest part of my life. She was my soul mate, better half, best friend. My 'most important person.' Then over the next couple of years 3 other close family members passed away as well. We used to have these raucous 'immediate family' gatherings and now there's just shadows. I spend holidays and birthdays alone.
Then 5 years ago I started getting ill. Debilitating pain, fatigue. Couldn't keep down food. Tried getting medical care only to get rebuffed. Got worse, tried again. For years as things have gotten worse this has been the cycle. I'm now declared disabled and unable to work; the career I went to college for and worked at for 10 years is gone too.
In November I started having fits that were similar to a seizure or stroke. For a week and a half they happened off an on, lasting hours. Then I was bedridden for almost two months. Now I'm dealing with severe neurological and pain issues, still mostly stuck at home. Losing weight from being unable to eat. My MRI shows a Type 1 Chiari Malformation that has progressed in the past two years. In a nutshell, it's a malformation of the brain moving into the spinal column from being choked by the skull being too small. I finally got a referral for a neurosurgeon but don't even know if he'll take me on, let alone be able to help. I've been gaslit so goddamn much at this point it's hard to hope.
My sister in law just had her first baby a couple hours ago. She married her husband last year (my wife didn't get to meet him.) She's doing well; has a career and making waves. We live in separate states. For so long I kept going because she had been in a hard place, and I didn't want to leave her alone. In a lot of ways, she was like our daughter.
As my symptoms get worse, and I'm so goddamn tired of fighting alone, the only thing that kept me here was knowing that if I passed away my SIL could lose her child (she was a high risk pregnancy.) Now... I dunno. She's safe. Baby's safe. I only ever feel like an annoyance, a burden. A reminder of things she's lost.
I've been fighting for six years trying to build a life where I have something to hold on to. But I've lost so much. I thought the day I lost my wife would be the worst day of my life, but every day now I'm in so much pain physically, mentally, emotionally... I don't know. I don't think that day ever ended.
I just want to see my wife again.
I'm to the point where there's nothing left in this world for me. My wife and I were high school sweethearts; went to college together, I worked for about a decade, we got married. Together 13 years. We were each other's only family at different points; her mom forbid her from coming back home for years once she turned 18 because she was homophobic AF, and we distanced myself from my own family for a few years too when my mother voted to outlaw same-sex marriage in our state. Eventually our family grew, but she was always at the center.
She passed away suddenly 6 years ago. I woke up to her going into cardiac arrest, and though we made it to the hospital in the ambulance, she passed away within minutes. She never woke up. She was 30 years old.
I thought at the time it would be the hardest part of my life. She was my soul mate, better half, best friend. My 'most important person.' Then over the next couple of years 3 other close family members passed away as well. We used to have these raucous 'immediate family' gatherings and now there's just shadows. I spend holidays and birthdays alone.
Then 5 years ago I started getting ill. Debilitating pain, fatigue. Couldn't keep down food. Tried getting medical care only to get rebuffed. Got worse, tried again. For years as things have gotten worse this has been the cycle. I'm now declared disabled and unable to work; the career I went to college for and worked at for 10 years is gone too.
In November I started having fits that were similar to a seizure or stroke. For a week and a half they happened off an on, lasting hours. Then I was bedridden for almost two months. Now I'm dealing with severe neurological and pain issues, still mostly stuck at home. Losing weight from being unable to eat. My MRI shows a Type 1 Chiari Malformation that has progressed in the past two years. In a nutshell, it's a malformation of the brain moving into the spinal column from being choked by the skull being too small. I finally got a referral for a neurosurgeon but don't even know if he'll take me on, let alone be able to help. I've been gaslit so goddamn much at this point it's hard to hope.
My sister in law just had her first baby a couple hours ago. She married her husband last year (my wife didn't get to meet him.) She's doing well; has a career and making waves. We live in separate states. For so long I kept going because she had been in a hard place, and I didn't want to leave her alone. In a lot of ways, she was like our daughter.
As my symptoms get worse, and I'm so goddamn tired of fighting alone, the only thing that kept me here was knowing that if I passed away my SIL could lose her child (she was a high risk pregnancy.) Now... I dunno. She's safe. Baby's safe. I only ever feel like an annoyance, a burden. A reminder of things she's lost.
I've been fighting for six years trying to build a life where I have something to hold on to. But I've lost so much. I thought the day I lost my wife would be the worst day of my life, but every day now I'm in so much pain physically, mentally, emotionally... I don't know. I don't think that day ever ended.
I just want to see my wife again.
