Story Greetings From Albus

[Bat 17]

One of my faults in life is that I often forget to introduce myself (or others) which is just bad manners. So I hope you will forgive me waiting to 200+ posts before saying who I am, I was meaning to and then I forgot. But I thought maybe it was time since I am probably relatively unusual for a SS member and people may want to know that I'm genuine.

I'm 45 male, like in UK. Compared to many I have been very lucky in my early life. Always academic high achiever. Struggled in my teens/20s with mood, rejection, feeling alienated, sometime suicidal. Thought I'd got it together in early 30s though mood still up and down. Got a good job, got married, started a family. Then I'm 43 and my wife suddenly leaves me (I think she had someone else) and takes the kids, I go down a black hole, cant sleep, become preoccupied with suicide and that's when I discover SS.

I decide on carbon monoxide as my method as I try partial and can't get it to work and I don't have the energy to figure out Bitcoin etc for N or SN. It actually never occurs to me to sign up and post I just lurk and information gather. I was so depressed at that point and sleep deprived that I couldn't put a coherent thought together anyway. So finally I go for it using 4 charcoal disposable BBQs having made a variety of experiments with a CO detector. Anyway I wake up 10 hours later alive but unable to move my legs. I guess it was a combination of the charcoal not being good enough and my attempts to block the ventilation having failed. I end up in hospital (medical) for 2 months with a variety of problems, need ITU, dialysis, operations on legs, cant walk, I now have permanent nerve damage to both legs and had to learn to walk again. Probably on pregabalin for life.

I was lucky not to get sectioned that time so I was eventually discharged and convalesced for a bit. I still wanted to CTB and refused medications or didn't take them. Then I got a bit manic, decided on full suspension but just told too many people what I was thinking, and then got sectioned for 3.5 months. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder which I guess I've always had. During that time I was still lurking on SS and soon after I was discharged decided to sign up and post since I was reading your stuff all the time and almost felt like I knew some of you through them.

By some miracle I was able to keep my job, but I've lost my old house, lost my kids most of the time, obviously lost my wife and now I feel a bit lost generally.

Anyway that's my grisly tale. Thanks for having me here !

 

[orlandom]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm very sorry for you.

Do you want CTB now? Or has everything changed?

 

[BlankUser]

Thanks for sharing your story and struggles. Life can be very unpredictable and that's why it scares me. When I was a kid I never thought I'll end up like that.
Sorry you have to go through this, losing so much in life and that failed attempt with charcoal sounds very scary. I was thinking of doing this, but from what I read damage can be really bad if one fails.
And I don't know how old your kids are, but there will come a day when they will be able to make their own decisions and your wife won't be able to keep them away from you.

 

[Bat 17]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm very sorry for you.

Do you want CTB now? Or has everything changed?

Thanks for reading. My CTB impulses are held in check by drugs. I'm on lithium, quetiapine, sertraline and pregabalin. I'm also on high dose because they say I'm a rapid metaboliser. It just takes away my will to do almost anything. Its kind of a peaceful feeling. I often think of not taking my medication, then I think of my daughters and I just swallow them.

Thanks for sharing your story and struggles. Life can be very unpredictable and that's why it scares me. When I was a kid I never thought I'll end up like that.
Sorry you have to go through this, losing so much in life and that failed attempt with charcoal sounds very scary. I was thinking of doing this, but from what I read damage can be really bad if one fails.
And I don't know how old your kids are, but there will come a day when they will be able to make their own decisions and your wife won't be able to keep them away from you.

Thank you so much for reading. Yes I thought I'd done a lot of research on the charcoal method and confidently expected it would kill me. It can certainly do a lot of damage if it fails. Thank you for what you say about my kids. My eldest daughter told me that she has written in her diary how many years/months it will be until she can move in with me. That cut right through me and I try and think of it when I want to CTB

 

[Life_and_Death]

My eldest daughter told me that she has written in her diary how many years/months it will be until she can move in with me. That cut right through me and I try and think of it when I want to CTB

Waiting for someone under these circumstances is heartbreaking
When I was younger my grandfather would say he had something to tell me when I got older. Turned out my bio dad got kicked out of 'my' hospital room. She didn't even tell him she was in labour, a friend informed him.
And now because of the same person, my mother, I'm waiting for my brothers to turn 16 so I can have them back.
I hope you and your daughter's get to have a wonderful reunion.

 

[BlankUser]

My eldest daughter told me that she has written in her diary how many years/months it will be until she can move in with me. That cut right through me and I try and think of it when I want to CTB

It seems there's a great connection between you two despite all the circumstances. I see how important you are to each other. That must be a strong motivation to push through and fight for a better future for yourself and your kids.

 

[S like suicide]

is terrible what you had to go through after your failed suicide attempt And I am sorry for your suffering after your wife left with the children.if you survived maybe it is because your children need and will need you in the future. It is difficult to continue living we know well, even more so after what has happened to you. I hope that you will find the strength to carry on and that you can spend more time with your children. It is so unfair that when two people divorce or separate children are torn from one of the parents (often the fathers) It's something that hurts deep in the heart.thank you for telling us your story

 

[Bat 17]

Waiting for someone under these circumstances is heartbreaking
When I was younger my grandfather would say he had something to tell me when I got older. Turned out my bio dad got kicked out of 'my' hospital room. She didn't even tell him she was in labour, a friend informed him.
And now because of the same person, my mother, I'm waiting for my brothers to turn 16 so I can have them back.
I hope you and your daughter's get to have a wonderful reunion.

Thank you so much @Life_and_Death. Are you in touch with your bio dad now? Your brothers are lucky to have a strong older sister like you

is terrible what you had to go through after your failed suicide attempt And I am sorry for your suffering after your wife left with the children.if you survived maybe it is because your children need and will need you in the future. It is difficult to continue living we know well, even more so after what has happened to you. I hope that you will find the strength to carry on and that you can spend more time with your children. It is so unfair that when two people divorce or separate children are torn from one of the parents (often the fathers) It's something that hurts deep in the heart.thank you for telling us your story

Thank you @S like suicide. When I was taken into hospital my ex-wife used it against me to restrict my access to the children and even threatened me with a court order if I didn't comply with her wishes. I'm very angry with her about that but it's also been an education in how people with mental illnesses get pushed around by "the system" and become second or third class citizens

 

[Embers]

Hey, firstly I had to say hello because of your username! Fellow potter fan here.

secondly, so much of what you have said resonated with me. I'm 25, but have some similar experiences to you.
I feel like we would be firm friends if we'd encountered eachother in less odd circumstances
Would you mind if I messaged you, I had a question re something you mentioned in your intro, I'm in a similar situation re may have accidentally verbalised my plan to the wrong people

frel free to say no, I absolutely won't be offended. I don't wish to trigger anyone and I also am aware how weird it is speaking to others on a Sui forum. I don't bite, I promise, but I absolutely won't be offended if you'd rather I didn't message.
Sending solidarity your way

 

[Bat 17]

Hey, firstly I had to say hello because of your username! Fellow potter fan here.

secondly, so much of what you have said resonated with me. I'm 25, but have some similar experiences to you.
I feel like we would be firm friends if we'd encountered eachother in less odd circumstances
Would you mind if I messaged you, I had a question re something you mentioned in your intro, I'm in a similar situation re may have accidentally verbalised my plan to the wrong people

frel free to say no, I absolutely won't be offended. I don't wish to trigger anyone and I also am aware how weird it is speaking to others on a Sui forum. I don't bite, I promise, but I absolutely won't be offended if you'd rather I didn't message.
Sending solidarity your way

@Embers thank for for the lovely message. Of course, feel free to message me . I really like talking to people here. Will always reply unless I'm at work. Don't worry I am far beyond being triggered by anything. If an alien spaceship came down and started melting my house I would see it as just another of those things

 

[Embers]

@Embers thank for for the lovely message. Of course, feel free to message me . I really like talking to people here and don't worry I am far beyond being triggered by anything. If an alien spaceship came down and started melting my house I would see it as just another of those things

I can tell by your sense of humour we will definitely get along well

 

[WornOutLife]

Nice to meet you, Albus!
I like seeing you around! Hope you can stay with us for a long time!

Hugs and love,

Matt

Edit: I was also very close to be sectioned. Goddamn system!

 

[Bat 17]

Nice to meet you, Albus!
I like seeing you around! Hope you can stay with us for a long time!

Hugs and love,

Matt

Edit: I was also very close to be sectioned. Goddamn system!

Thank you very much my friend, I like seeing you around too!

I don't recommend getting sectioned. I was on constant observations for 70 days. Even now I find it difficult to go to sleep without someone sat in a chair staring menacingly at me. I wasn't allowed to put my hands under the covers in bed and if I accidentally did in my sleep they would shout at me - my arms still fly spontaneously from under the sheets at any given moment. And as for going to the loo under observation....no, let's not go there

 

[FuneralCry]

You have certainly been through a lot in this life, it can certainly be very cruel. At least this forum can offer some relief. It really is hard to die, I am reminded by that by constantly reading this forum. I wish you the best.

 

[WaterHemlock]

Hi Albus, I love your name!
Thank you for sharing your story and all the interacting you do on this forum.
I only was involuntarily committed once, as a young teen, and had a much different experience.
But the break-up of my 30 year marriage was a triggering factor in my current suicidal despair. I do feel some small relief being able to communicate with people here and hear their stories. I hope you do, too.
I'm sorry about your kids but I hope you will be able to be close to them in the future.

 

[Bat 17]

That's kind @WaterHemlock and I'm glad you like my name, it is well known in Hogwarts.

I am so sorry to hear about the breakup of your marriage and how you are feeling. It really is one of the most terrible things one can go through in life. I hope you are bearing up ok, and don't be slow about getting help and treatment. I pushed all that away and it just made things worse I think.

I enjoy communicating with you and people on the forum very much. It's good to have people who understand and accept you, who listen and who are not afraid to share their stories no matter how painful.

 

[Bullit]

Welp,you've had your share of misery,Dumbledore,or Dum for short!,but take comfort in thist was your bitch "wife" that was the bad guy,the failure,the one who shit on the family. You are a good man,you deserve Gods blessing,if He's out there!
Me,I feel like I failed someone I loved. She is gone. I mean...gone. The pain is constant.
So, maybe with time you'll be back. Good luck!

 

[Bat 17]

Welp,you've had your share of misery,Dumbledore,or Dum for short!,but take comfort in thist was your bitch "wife" that was the bad guy,the failure,the one who shit on the family. You are a good man,you deserve Gods blessing,if He's out there!
Me,I feel like I failed someone I loved. She is gone. I mean...gone. The pain is constant.
So, maybe with time you'll be back. Good luck!

Thank you @Bullit I'm not sure how I feel about going by the name Dum.... although on many days that feels rather appropriate! Thank you for your kind words and I hope your pain gets better with time

 

[Meditation guide]

The failed attempt to ctb didn't seem to harm your intelligence. I enjoy our discussions.

 

[Bat 17]

The failed attempt to ctb didn't seem to harm your intelligence. I enjoy our discussions.

Thank you. For a long time afterwards I had big problems with my short term memory and finding words. But I was on massive doses of pregablin, many times the maximum, because my feet were so painful even a cotton sheet was unbearable and would set off electric shocks.

Months afterwards I was finally able to persuade them to do an MRI brain. It was surprisingly normal. I did do some brain damage because I got a condition in my arms called myoclonus but that's got better.

I really enjoy our discussions too MG. Thanks for being here.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

Wow, you've been through a lot. Your amazing spirit shines through your words in spite of it all x

 

[Bat 17]

Wow, you've been through a lot. Your amazing spirit shines through your words in spite of it all x

That's really kind of you to say @NewOrder - thank you!