Gotta do it but I don’t want to

[grimfukis]

I've been suicidal for over a year. Haven't been on this site in months. I keep resetting the time frame for considering ctb. I fell in love over the summer and that made me want to be alive. She just wants to be friends and that's ok but I don't get enough time from her. I developed an addiction to tipping models on a cam site and now I'm financially ruined. Seeing a counselor or for that. I'm on disability and will not be able to pay back my debts. I got NSF fees for the first time in my life.

I have enough savings with my parents to dig me out of the hole. I'm bipolar that's why I have some savings with my parents. They will not give me the funds I have because they want me to learn a lesson. Well I'm in the negative and the companies I owe will just keep trying to withdraw absent funds putting me further in the negative so when I get paid I have $0 or negative. I told my parents about my suicidality but they don't take it serious, saying that I'm making an excuse and I need to hit rock bottom to learn my lesson.

Well I just can't survive, forcing my decision. Which sucks, I only recently was able to feel pleasure again. I don't actually want to die anymore but there is nothing to live for and no way to survive.

Im probably going to go anytime this month. I will use SN or hang myself, as those are the most accessible methods to me. Not gonna write some long note. I will call 2 or 3 friends to say goodbye. I was just starting to enjoy life. I know my friends will feel sad which makes me feel bad. I wonder how my parents will feel knowing that it could have been prevented.

if you read this, tysm

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I feel the exact same way. I feel split, like there's a part of me that has hope, I know logically what I could do to change and improve my life but the bottom line is that I probably wouldn't be able to keep it up and ultimately don't want to. So I don't want to ctb but feel I have to, ignore that misleading hope and kill myself.

We have a lot in common. My mum is holding my savings and she'd have to be high to give them to me lol. I'd don't blame her though..

I also may ctb this month after my paycheck comes through. SN.. Unless my "hope" wins me over and makes me feel I can and should try to change..

Do you live with your parents? Have you told them companies are actually putting you in the negative? I had no idea they could do that.. I'm guessing they already had access to your bank account to begin with? Sorry you're going through this stress man.. I hope the counsellor is working.

 

[grimfukis]

I feel the exact same way. I feel split, like there's a part of me that has hope, I know logically what I could do to change and improve my life but the bottom line is that I probably wouldn't be able to keep it up and ultimately don't want to. So I don't want to ctb but feel I have to, ignore that misleading hope and kill myself.

Would love to fall in love - I'm glad you've found that.

We have a lot in common. My mum is holding my savings and she'd have to be high to give them to me lol. I'd don't blame her though..

I also may ctb this month after my paycheck comes through. SN.. Unless my "hope" wins me over and makes me feel I can and should try to change..

Do you live with your parents? Have you told them companies are actually putting you in the negative? I had no idea they could do that.. I'm guessing they already had access to your bank account to begin with? Sorry you're going through this stress man.. I hope the counsellor is working.

Yeah I live with my parents. I told them everything but they are indifferent to my situation. They think they're teaching me a lesson. They don't take it seriously that I will ctb. I didn't tell them that threateningly or anything like that, I was just informing them that I've been on that track and this situation will tip me over. I hope my money serves them well when I'm gone. I feel pathetic that it is a small money situation that will be the end of me and not emotional reasons like originally.

 

[Versailles]

I've been suicidal for over a year. Haven't been on this site in months. I keep resetting the time frame for considering ctb. I fell in love over the summer and that made me want to be alive. She just wants to be friends and that's ok but I don't get enough time from her. I developed an addiction to tipping models on a cam site and now I'm financially ruined. Seeing a counselor or for that. I'm on disability and will not be able to pay back my debts. I got NSF fees for the first time in my life.

I have enough savings with my parents to dig me out of the hole. I'm bipolar that's why I have some savings with my parents. They will not give me the funds I have because they want me to learn a lesson. Well I'm in the negative and the companies I owe will just keep trying to withdraw absent funds putting me further in the negative so when I get paid I have $0 or negative. I told my parents about my suicidality but they don't take it serious, saying that I'm making an excuse and I need to hit rock bottom to learn my lesson.

Well I just can't survive, forcing my decision. Which sucks, I only recently was able to feel pleasure again. I don't actually want to die anymore but there is nothing to live for and no way to survive.

Im probably going to go anytime this month. I will use SN or hang myself, as those are the most accessible methods to me. Not gonna write some long note. I will call 2 or 3 friends to say goodbye. I was just starting to enjoy life. I know my friends will feel sad which makes me feel bad. I wonder how my parents will feel knowing that it could have been prevented.

if you read this, tysm

Oh, I'm sorry that you feel like this, when we want to die sometimes our mind shows us advantages to take from this life, if you find something that makes you enjoy being seen, it can be very supportive. I hope you feel good about your decision.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that things are this hopeless. Life is just so depressing. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Yeah I live with my parents. I told them everything but they are indifferent to my situation. They think they're teaching me a lesson. They don't take it seriously that I will ctb. I didn't tell them that threateningly or anything like that, I was just informing them that I've been on that track and this situation will tip me over. I hope my money serves them well when I'm gone. I feel pathetic that it is a small money situation that will be the end of me and not emotional reasons like originally.

But don't you think the emotional reason has worn you down? It has left it's mark? I think everything we go through in life just wears at our spirit and finally we meet our final straw that as you say, tips us over.

Do you speak to your counsellor about other stuff or just gambling? Because, if this debt is truly the only thing then you might be able to live and go on. Don't these predatory companies do payment plans? And if you are just tied by an online account, can't you just put your income into a different account so it doesn't get eaten up by them? Maybe try a debt advisor, there may be solutions that you aren't even aware of. Will these companies sue you or send the bailiffs? It would just be a shame for you to die when perhaps these companies can't do much afterall..