HappySisyphus
One must imagine Sisyphus happy
- Aug 3, 2023
- 32
So I have been down recently since I stopped being close with some people and realized that probably I don't have any real friends, and I guess that in some time I just got over that,I believe myself to be better than anyone I know so it doesn't affect me that much now, so that is part of my problems solved, the issue is the other part of my problems, myself, it doesn't matter how much I don't let external things affect me if internally everything is wrong, at this point I assume I have depression since I don't find any other logical explanation for everything I feel, and I can't just get over depression, I don't want to go to a psychologist either, besides being scared about it, it just doesn't seem worth it, it would probably help, I know that, I know it is the most logically thing to do yet I still don't want to do it, I guess I'm just too tired. I really wish kiling myself wasn't that much of a hassle so I could do it, I would finally stop having to put so much effort in everything every single day, I'm just tired of expending a tremendous amount of energy merely to be normal.
I believe the struggle itself to be enough to fill one's heart, that is probably a big part of what kept me alive for so long despite being depressed but it just gets harder and harder to get out of bed each day.
I also in some way don't wish to get better at all, if I'm healthy I just have to live with stuff that happens and keep going, I can't just cry for hours or scream into the void in a suicide note probably no one will ever read or in a stupid forum where no one will know who I am. If I get better I would probably go back to being a good person, which would suck, I would feel so bad about so much stuff I did, so getting better just seems like too much of a bother.
The worst part is probably how despite how much better I get it is pointless in the bigger schemes of things, I could have the best friends ever and wouldn't do shit, I would still be depressed and I would still not want to get better, I guess that just won't change a this point, it seems too unlikely honestly.
I believe the struggle itself to be enough to fill one's heart, that is probably a big part of what kept me alive for so long despite being depressed but it just gets harder and harder to get out of bed each day.
I also in some way don't wish to get better at all, if I'm healthy I just have to live with stuff that happens and keep going, I can't just cry for hours or scream into the void in a suicide note probably no one will ever read or in a stupid forum where no one will know who I am. If I get better I would probably go back to being a good person, which would suck, I would feel so bad about so much stuff I did, so getting better just seems like too much of a bother.
The worst part is probably how despite how much better I get it is pointless in the bigger schemes of things, I could have the best friends ever and wouldn't do shit, I would still be depressed and I would still not want to get better, I guess that just won't change a this point, it seems too unlikely honestly.
