got sexually assaulted yesterday by one of my closest friend after i trauma dumped (vent)

[LetMeSeeTheSun]

hi, i think i truly did a social suicide yesterday.
I'm leaving this town at the end of the week after making some very good friend here so we've been partying quite a lot (i also want to take advantage of this friend group to have the typical young adult party experience so i don't regret it later)
Yesterday night i really wanted to get wasted so i drank a lot at a friend's place but i ended up crying and sharing a lot of intimate thing, including the fact of being suicidal and a lot of things from my past and childhood, such as sexual assault.
Then i insulted them a lot by saying that i they were less successful at life than me in a few years they should CBT because it means that they performed less than a trash of a human being like me.
So yeah i ruined the party.
2 of them brang me home with a taxi because i could barely walk ( taxi which i also insulted lmao) and one of them got me to my appartement.
He stayed, i show him my room around and asked him if he found it cringe, i layed in bed, asked him if he wanted to watch anime with me, i picked one, he layed with me, told me he was hot (it wasnt hot but w.e) so he unclothed himself, i was beggining to fall asleep so flapped the laptop shut, and i guess he thought i was asleep so he started to touch me, lift up my skirt slowly, touch my breast, he grinded against me and jerked off, i didnt do anything because i was first really drunk and lazy and just wanted to sleep and 2nd i'm like if it makes him happy i'll let him do it and pretend like nothing happened. I guess i also liked the attention.
But then he started to remove my pantie and i flipped, kicked him off me and yeah told him to leave my appartement.

I called my other friends after that, they made me talk the event and were kind by telling me that it wasnt okay what he did and that i wasnt my fault. I remember being really pokerfaced, one of them was sobbing a lot while talking stating how she didnt understand why i would tolerate such a thing and seing how i was just shrugging it off was so painful to see. (for me i didnt get raped, there wasnt any violence and i had control over the situation so well it's my fault in a way because the situation could've been avoided if i werent so naive)
She (she was the one to talk the most) said that i shouldn't be locked in the past and asked me if beside tonight i already talked about my past to anybody. She said i should really talk to somebody.
When mentionning my suicidals thought she said i should live for me and not for others, i disagreed, stating that my mission was to provide and i need to do it ASAP so i can leave peacefully, that each day getting out of bed is dreadful and a sign that i failed.

As of now i will call the women hotline to see if it's even worth it that i go to the police office.
I find myself really wanting to talk to the guy that tried to assault me, i don't undrstand why he did that and if it was out of lust why he didnt force himself into me instead of accepting to leave, like he could have easily overpowered me. He kept begging me that he had one thing to tell me and to calm down but i didnt let him space to talk and now i regret it and it's eating me out, i just want an explanation.
I'm so tempted to go to his place and just have a talk, i just need an explanation

Idk what i expect from writing it here, but i'm just flabberghasted that i keep ruining all my relation by a way or another, why do i self sabotage like that ??
So beside the rape attempt should i just learn a lesson to not trust even my best friends ?

One of my friend told me prior to the event that i wasn't meant to have relationship because of my past as a stripper/sex worker and that would only lead to men disrespecting me and thus abuse, he recommands me to hide it and never really show my true self to partners and let alone friends.
So should i just callus myself so i only show a personna of me ?
if so i find it manipulative toward a potential romantic partner because i would be deceiving him and i guess i've good enough morals that i would rather be alone than be with someone i trapped and lied into liking me

 

[wham311]

hi, i think i truly did a social suicide yesterday.
I'm leaving this town at the end of the week after making some very good friend here so we've been partying quite a lot (i also want to take advantage of this friend group to have the typical young adult party experience so i don't regret it later)
Yesterday night i really wanted to get wasted so i drank a lot at a friend's place but i ended up crying and sharing a lot of intimate thing, including the fact of being suicidal and a lot of things from my past and childhood, such as sexual assault.
Then i insulted them a lot by saying that i they were less successful at life than me in a few years they should CBT because it means that they performed less than a trash of a human being like me.
So yeah i ruined the party.
2 of them brang me home with a taxi because i could barely walk ( taxi which i also insulted lmao) and one of them got me to my appartement.
He stayed, i show him my room around and asked him if he found it cringe, i layed in bed, asked him if he wanted to watch anime with me, i picked one, he layed with me, told me he was hot (it wasnt hot but w.e) so he unclothed himself, i was beggining to fall asleep so flapped the laptop shut, and i guess he thought i was asleep so he started to touch me, lift up my skirt slowly, touch my breast, he grinded against me and jerked off, i didnt do anything because i was first really drunk and lazy and just wanted to sleep and 2nd i'm like if it makes him happy i'll let him do it and pretend like nothing happened. I guess i also liked the attention.
But then he started to remove my pantie and i flipped, kicked him off me and yeah told him to leave my appartement.

I called my other friends after that, they made me talk the event and were kind by telling me that it wasnt okay what he did and that i wasnt my fault. I remember being really pokerfaced, one of them was sobbing a lot while talking stating how she didnt understand why i would tolerate such a thing and seing how i was just shrugging it off was so painful to see. (for me i didnt get raped, there wasnt any violence and i had control over the situation so well it's my fault in a way because the situation could've been avoided if i werent so naive)
She (she was the one to talk the most) said that i shouldn't be locked in the past and asked me if beside tonight i already talked about my past to anybody. She said i should really talk to somebody.
When mentionning my suicidals thought she said i should live for me and not for others, i disagreed, stating that my mission was to provide and i need to do it ASAP so i can leave peacefully, that each day getting out of bed is dreadful and a sign that i failed.

As of now i will call the women hotline to see if it's even worth it that i go to the police office.
I find myself really wanting to talk to the guy that tried to assault me, i don't undrstand why he did that and if it was out of lust why he didnt force himself into me instead of accepting to leave, like he could have easily overpowered me. He kept begging me that he had one thing to tell me and to calm down but i didnt let him space to talk and now i regret it and it's eating me out, i just want an explanation.
I'm so tempted to go to his place and just have a talk, i just need an explanation

Idk what i expect from writing it here, but i'm just flabberghasted that i keep ruining all my relation by a way or another, why do i self sabotage like that ??
So beside the rape attempt should i just learn a lesson to not trust even my best friends ?

One of my friend told me prior to the event that i wasn't meant to have relationship because of my past as a stripper/sex worker and that would only lead to men disrespecting me and thus abuse, he recommands me to hide it and never really show my true self to partners and let alone friends.
So should i just callus myself so i only show a personna of me ?
if so i find it manipulative toward a potential romantic partner because i would be deceiving him and i guess i've good enough morals that i would rather be alone than be with someone i trapped and lied into liking me

He didn't know that you didn't want it until you communicated that you didn't, just saying why he didn't force himself on you.

Sorry you're going through this.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

yeah, that's definitely sexual assault

you didn't give permission, were extremely drunk, and he started touching you while you were tired and wasted

he probably didn't rape you because even if he wanted to have sex with you, he clearly didn't have permission. so if he raped you, you could have suddenly become more aware of what was going on, more likely to file charges, more likely to scream or fight back

he probably wasn't thinking clearly and was drunk too. the animal "must fuck/procreate" part of his brain and the civilized "don't rape people" part of his brain may not have been in agreement, and because there were both impacting him, the result was something in the middle, which was sexual assault. the drunkenness and urges don't excuse it, but they probably impacted things.

it's up to you what to do, but there are trained professionals, rape and sexual assault counselors, that talk with people in these situations.

This is the rape abuse and incest network chat page. they have trained people there:

Terms of Service - Online Hotline

i wouldn't recommend going to that guy's place after he sexually assaulted you. he might rape you. it also would make it harder to have charges against him. why would you go back if you were sexually assaulted? i know you want answers, but he was just a selfish jerk.

this is definitely not your fault, even if you were socially stupid and said dumb things while drunk, which nearly everyone does when drunk once in a while.

there's a chance he's done this to others or will do it to others if you don't report it. but it's also up to you what you do.

you should also know that being the victim of sexual assault or rape does weird things to your brain, and you may not be mad about it now, but may be mad about it in a year or two. it may make it harder for you to trust people or have relationships. so it's not just the act, it's also what happens after.

if you don't want him to get in trouble, he'll likely deny it or say it was consensual if you report it and won't get arrested, but it may make it harder for him to do anything like that to others. it seems like on some level, despite him not having permission, you're also attracted to him, hence wanting to talk to him. (you would NOT want to talk with him if he was hideous most likely.)

i was raped by someone who i was somewhat attracted to, someone who probably could have hung out with me like 4 or 5 times and i would have had sex willingly, when i felt more comfortable. but i didn't want to have sex immediately. i didn't file charges, and the rape probably made my brain in much worse health, and i didn't realize that right away. i didn't report it because the penalty for rape is so severe, it would be hard to prove, and i was wasted... and even though it felt like the right decision at the time, my brain ended up really impacted by the trauma and i might have been better off later had i reported it after it happened.

it's a tough decision, sorry you are dealing with all of this. talk to a counselor, don't do this alone

 

[Buffy]

He didn't know that you didn't want it until you communicated that you didn't, just saying why he didn't force himself on you.

Sorry you're going through this.

Seriously? He didn't wait for a clear yes. He went ahead because he thought she was asleep and wouldn't stop him. That's not a misunderstanding. Stop trying to reframe what he did as a communication issue.

 

[LetMeSeeTheSun]

He didn't know that you didn't want it until you communicated that you didn't, just saying why he didn't force himself on you.

Sorry you're going through this.

i talked to the hotline and they comforted me in the idea that i was in fact assaulted because in france, my country, if you're sleeping it denies the fact that you can consent :
"Touching a person who is sleeping or under the influence of alcohol or drugs (sexual assault with surprise)"

 

[claracatchingthebus]

He didn't know that you didn't want it until you communicated that you didn't, just saying why he didn't force himself on you.

Sorry you're going through this.

yeah, but she was super drunk and then a lot of the touching occurred after she seemed to be passed out. no dude would see a woman passed out or not responding and think "yep, she's consented, time to hook up."

no, someone who is drunk as fuck and suddenly stops moving and seems to be sleeping is not giving consent.

this isn't like an ambiguous situation. it was clearly sexual assault.

it's not even like "oh, she led him on by bringing him inside" because she was drunk as fuck and they were helping her get back home she was so wasted, she was stumbling, and there's no indication she did anything like kiss the guy or do anything to indicate interest or even imply that she was interested.

this is not an ambiguous situation. this is blatant sexual assault. the guy who did it may have been wasted too, may have made a horrible mistake (or maybe he regularly does shit like that), but this is very clear. he had his hands on her boobs, his hands were up by her vagina taking off her panties, she wasn't responding or moving while drunk as fuck.

he may have thought she was interested and was so stupid and wasted he didn't realize right away what was going on, but it's not like they were both asleep, and snuggling, and then she rubbed up against him and he didn't know what to think. It doesn't even sound like they had met prior to this. He walked her back to his place, invited himself in, she got to her bed drunk as hell, and then nearly passed out and he sexually assaulted her.

 

[wham311]

i talked to the hotline and they comforted me in the idea that i was in fact assaulted because in france, my country, if you're sleeping it denies the fact that you can consent :
"Touching a person who is sleeping or under the influence of alcohol or drugs (sexual assault with surprise)"

Ah didn't know you were sleeping, my apologies. Definitely assault

 

[LetMeSeeTheSun]

i wouldn't recommend going to that guy's place after he sexually assaulted you. he might rape you. it also would make it harder to have charges against him. why would you go back if you were sexually assaulted? i know you want answers, but he was just a selfish jerk.

thanks for this part, i want to see him again so badly, i guess my brain is truly fucked up.
Everytime i got assaulted the person would then comfort me, i just want to be comforted by him now, like it would undo the harm, it's so weird man

you should also know that being the victim of sexual assault or rape does weird things to your brain, and you may not be mad about it now, but may be mad about it in a year or two. it may make it harder for you to trust people or have relationships. so it's not just the act, it's also what happens after.

thanks for that also, the hotline i called partly mentionned this and told me that i should call again for my previous assault because that may be why i didnt find the situation too weird as my brain was used to it

if you don't want him to get in trouble, he'll likely deny it or say it was consensual if you report it and won't get arrested, but it may make it harder for him to do anything like that to others. it seems like on some level, despite him not having permission, you're also attracted to him, hence wanting to talk to him. (you would NOT want to talk with him if he was hideous most likely.)

Yeah he already denied it to my group of friends, i don't want to hurt him i don't care, i just want to have a conversation so i can understand why he did that because he has to be truly wounded to think this is okay to do.
In a way he reminds me of my ex boyfriend who was so shy with women and affraid of women i guess and who was rapey with me due to that. I feel like i can avoid this situation again and i want to help him.
I don't want to talk to him because off attraction or whatever, as stated i just want to understand why, the part about physical attraction sounds a bit incel-ish to me and almost mysoginistic (like yeah if you werent so stupid to go for the hot guy you owuldnt be in this situation u bitch), but i may be projecting my own internalized mysoginia and my attraction to him was mostly because we're both nerd and i thought we could relates to things, so i guess trust.

i was raped by someone who i was somewhat attracted to, someone who probably could have hung out with me like 4 or 5 times and i would have had sex, when i felt more comfortable. but i didn't want to have sex immediately. i didn't file charges, and the rape probably made my brain in much worse health, and i didn't realize that right away. i didn't report it because the penalty for rape is so severe, it would be hard to prove, and i was wasted... and even though it felt like the right decision at the time, my brain ended up really impacted by the trauma and i might have been better off later had i reported it after it happened.

i'm sorry that it happened to you and i'm so thanksfull that you took the time to reply to my post, the hotline was really helpful to me and allowed me to notice pattern (like victim blamming) that i had, take care and i believe there's someone out there that will be able to love you fully

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I don't want to talk to him because off attraction or whatever, as stated i just want to understand why, the part about physical attraction sounds a bit incel-ish to me and almost mysoginistic (like yeah if you werent so stupid to go for the hot guy you owuldnt be in this situation u bitch), but i may be projecting my own internalized mysoginia and my attraction to him was mostly because we're both nerd and i thought we could relates to things, so i guess trust.

If a 55 year old overweight man wearing a mask robbed you at night with a knife, would you want to talk to him about his feelings after?

If a 48 year old woman with a long record for fraud committed identity theft against you, wrecking your credit and causing you agony, would you want to get to know her?

If you were sexually assaulted by a large 6'6" ugly overweight man who had damaged skin and was 57, and he sexually assaulted you because he was trying to rape you, but you ran away, would you want to go back and have a conversation about it?

Of course not.

You are at least partly attracted to this person and that's why, in part, you're thinking about visiting him or talking to him. Most victims of crime do not want to emotionally connect with the perpetrator after. It's not misogyny or incel culture. I've never had sex with a woman, I don't hate women, and I've had plenty of sex. You aren't seeing the situation logically.

If an old male drug addict with grey hair and track marks all over from heroin broke into your car or somewhere else and stole things from you, would you want to talk with him about his feelings or ask him why and get to know the real him?

It's fine to have unusual feelings after being victimized and to have complex conflicting feelings. But I have no agenda in telling you what I did.