Goodbye

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Long time lurker, very rare poster. I think my time is up. I just can't bear the pain and the loneliness any more.
My family were always so good to me, I'm grateful for that. And I had a handful of good friends, who really cared. I'm lucky in that respect.
I was never built for this life, I was never able to find a meaning or a purpose for myself. I found my strength by being there for other people. And though I gave my all for the people I loved, time and time again it just ended with me being thrown away. It built up over the years, and now I just can't bear it any more.
I'm grateful I found this place. Though I never got to know any of you, it was truly a comfort to know that I wasn't alone. I hope this place endures. And I hope you all find the answers you're looking for. I hope that miracles happen and things turn around for you all. This world is a cruel place, but there are good people in it if you look hard enough.
I'm sorry mum. I'm so sorry.

 

[blackwidow]

I'm so sorry for you... I don't ever comment on goodbye threads but the words.. Im sorry mum just broke my heart.. bless your soul xx

 

[leeloosnow]

safe travels, my friend. i hope you are at peace

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I am so sorry it has come to this for you. Are you sure this is what you want? Is there any chance at all that some type of help could turn things around for you? If you have any doubts at all about your decision, you owe it to yourself to seek out any and all help that might be available to you. You are worth it. If you're resolute with your decision, I wish you the absolute best, and I hope that when your journey is through, that you find that much needed peace you seek and deserve. Like all of us, you deserve nothing but the best. RIP fellow traveler.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I'm sorry that you're in this place. It's a miserable place to be. If you have second thoughts, though, we'll be here.

 

[ger3172]

im so sorry you're under so much pain. thank u for being here

 

[FrozenMango]

I hope you find peace

 

[Caustic]

I am sorry life has brought you here. I hope you find peace

 

[eldiablo666]

I hope you get what you want.

But I'm always curious how suicidal people can still love their mother so much.
After all, they used you as a meat shield for their own good. It's just strange, that's all.

 

[wesv]

I don't know how old you are, but are you sure this is what you want? You said your family cares about you. Your mom loves you. Have you actually talked to anyone about this? Maybe your mom? Please talk to your mom. Have you tried SSRIs?

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

So things didn't quite go as planned. I had mixed my sn, and I felt oddly calm and ready. A friend of mine had been trying to get hold of me, and when they didn't get an answer, they called the police.
I barely had time to hide my shit before I had six armed officers surrounding me. Which I felt was a touch extreme for a 'welfare check'. And they wonder why we keep our feelings to ourselves.
They did raise the idea of involuntarily hospitalising me, to which I literally pleaded with them not to do that. Fortunately they relented but I imagine I would not have been so lucky had they found any evidence that I was preparing to do something.
I still have what I need to attempt again. And honestly, this whole ordeal has made me feel worse not better. I'm not grateful to still be here

I hope you get what you want.

But I'm always curious how suicidal people can still love their mother so much.
After all, they used you as a meat shield for their own good. It's just strange, that's all.

My mum has always been the most amazing person. She truly has. She has tried to support me in every way possible, throughout my entire life. Even now when this whole thing is hurting her so badly.
I get your viewpoint. And I'm not here for an argument. Maybe in general, you're right. But not about my mother. She is a far better person than I could ever be

I don't know how old you are, but are you sure this is what you want? You said your family cares about you. Your mom loves you. Have you actually talked to anyone about this? Maybe your mom? Please talk to your mom. Have you tried SSRIs?

I'm in my late thirties. I have spoken to many people. For a long time. And the conversations are always the same. I don't have what I need to be content in this life. And I genuinely don't think I ever will at this point.
Do any of us REALLY want to commit suicide? I have to believe that for all of us there's a reality where things could be better and we didn't feel like this. Sadly for many of us, that may never happen. I believe that includes me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that suicide wasn't my first choice, nor my second or even tenth. It's the end of a long road I've walked

 

[leeloosnow]

that is horribly traumatic on top of everything you must already be enduring right now. i'm sorry everything is so chaotic, i wish you patience, presence, and peace

 

[freedomcalls]

oh I'm so sorry that you had to go through that with the police…. It's very distressing

And you responded so graciously to Eldia (who I feel was deeply insensitive); I'm glad you know your mothers love. It's a very powerful force m

The friend who called the police, or even the police themselves…. Did anyone offer you any alternatives / support etc?

 

[wesv]

Sorry, I just had the impression that you were quite young. My bad.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Sorry, I just had the impression that you were quite young. My bad.

No apology needed friend. I think that post from the YouTube guy might have shook us all up a bit in that respect. You were trying to be very kind towards me, and I appreciate it.

 

[affinity]

I don't have what I need to be content in this life. And I genuinely don't think I ever will at this point.

You and I are fairly similar in age.

Only if you're comfortable, do you mind sharing what you believe you need to feel content?

I'm glad to hear you have a support system, including your mom and your friends.

I know you're angry with them for calling for help, but I suspect if the roles were reversed, you'd likely do the same. I've had to make a call for help for my mother and I've had to make further attempts to talk her down.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

oh I'm so sorry that you had to go through that with the police…. It's very distressing

And you responded so graciously to Eldia (who I feel was deeply insensitive); I'm glad you know your mothers love. It's a very powerful force m

The friend who called the police, or even the police themselves…. Did anyone offer you any alternatives / support etc?

When they agreed not to involuntarily hospitalise me, they said at bare minimum they would refer me to a local crisis team, which I imagine will be totally worthless.

In fairness to them, they were all really nice about the situation apart from kicking the door in to gain access, and being armed. Which I'm really not sure why they were.
They paid for the door when I broke down and told them that I couldn't.

I don't think ill of my friend either. I've said many times, if you aren't in this situation, there's no way you can really understand someone who is. I am a bit angry that my choice was taken from me, because it was all I really had, but they did it out of love and I can't hold that against them.

 

[Domimi]

I hope you get what you want.

But I'm always curious how suicidal people can still love their mother so much.
After all, they used you as a meat shield for their own good. It's just strange, that's all.

Bro I swear that a good deal of antinatalists seems to think every parent is a sadistic mastermind who makes meticulous plans to have kids so they can make them suffer, when in reality most of the times they were just horny and wanted to have sex

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

You and I are fairly similar in age.

Only if you're comfortable, do you mind sharing what you believe you need to feel content?

I'm glad to hear you have a support system, including your mom and your friends.

I know you're angry with them for calling for help, but I suspect if the roles were reversed, you'd likely do the same. I've had to make a call for help for my mother and I've had to make further attempts to talk her down.

The last part of your post, I've spoke about above. There is a bit of anger there. But I do understand, and I know they were just trying to help however they could.

As for my situation, and what I feel I need. I'll be honest. I see people here with stories that I think are far, far harsher than mine. I sometimes feel like a fraud here.
I am in fairly good health, I have a decent(ish) job. I'm intelligent, and most importantly, I do have a wonderfully supportive family. Not many friends anymore, but a handful of very good ones.

The thing I lack is the one thing I always wanted in life. My own family. A partner, children. A million dogs would be nice too.
Every relationship I've ever had has always gone the same way. I give 100%, and somehow it's just not good enough. Usually I get cheated on. Always hurtful.

Life hasn't been great anyway lately, money is tighter than tight, and I have a mortgage to pay. Work has been going downhill. And I could have coped with most of that. But then I lost the love of my life and my 'step children'. We weren't married, but I treated the kids like they were my own.

Gone. In a single day. And I'm still not really sure why. My life has gone from everything I wanted, to silence and loneliness. I've always struggled with depression, hell I've essentially died twice already. And I'm just at the point where I can't pick up the pieces anymore.

Sorry for the wall of text. And like I said, I know there are people here with far more worthy reasons than mine. But this one is mine, and it's killing me

Bro I swear that a good deal of antinatalists seems to think every parent is a sadistic mastermind who makes meticulous plans to have kids so they can make them suffer, when in reality most of the times they were just horny and wanted to have sex

I have a saying, that I've had my whole life.
'Parents break their children'. Some of them by being horrible human beings. And some the complete opposite. I think it's easy for us to put our parents on some kind of pedestal, when really, they're the same fuckups we are just trying to muddle through as best they can

 

[affinity]

The last part of your post, I've spoke about above. There is a bit of anger there. But I do understand, and I know they were just trying to help however they could.

As for my situation, and what I feel I need. I'll be honest. I see people here with stories that I think are far, far harsher than mine. I sometimes feel like a fraud here.
I am in fairly good health, I have a decent(ish) job. I'm intelligent, and most importantly, I do have a wonderfully supportive family. Not many friends anymore, but a handful of very good ones.

The thing I lack is the one thing I always wanted in life. My own family. A partner, children. A million dogs would be nice too.
Every relationship I've ever had has always gone the same way. I give 100%, and somehow it's just not good enough. Usually I get cheated on. Always hurtful.

Life hasn't been great anyway lately, money is tighter than tight, and I have a mortgage to pay. Work has been going downhill. And I could have coped with most of that. But then I lost the love of my life and my 'step children'. We weren't married, but I treated the kids like they were my own.

Gone. In a single day. And I'm still not really sure why. My life has gone from everything I wanted, to silence and loneliness. I've always struggled with depression, hell I've essentially died twice already. And I'm just at the point where I can't pick up the pieces anymore.

Sorry for the wall of text. And like I said, I know there are people here with far more worthy reasons than mine. But this one is mine, and it's killing me

I have a saying, that I've had my whole life.
'Parents break their children'. Some of them by being horrible human beings. And some the complete opposite. I think it's easy for us to put our parents on some kind of pedestal, when really, they're the same fuckups we are just trying to muddle through as best they can

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of an important relationship, especially when you're not clear as to the reasons why. I'm unsure if you lived together with this partner, but if you assumed a parental role with the children, it's completely unfair and suspect to suddenly remove that parental figure out of their life (unless of course there are clear safety concerns, which I'm trusting aren't present here).

For someone to end a serious relationship that way…I don't mean to judge the person bc obviously you still feel strongly about them, but that isn't a person who is mature or even stable and I suspect if you sat down with one of your friends over a drink or two and performed a post mortem on the relationship, they would likely point out some things you may have missed or ignored.

Long story short: this likely was for the best in the long term. You don't love or respect someone if you suddenly disappear without explanation. You didn't deserve that and you didn't do anything wrong. You're still deserving of an emotionally mature and stable relationship.

I'm definitely not one to talk, but based on personal experience, things are somewhat more manageable when you don't primarily rely on another person or anything exterior to you for your purpose or happiness in life.

I know it feels incredibly stressful and that it feels like everything is coming down on you, I get it. But heartbreak is normal and most importantly- it's transient. Love can hit you at any point and in the most unlikely circumstances and based on your own admissions, you've got A LOT going for you that would make you attractive to others.

Give the help offered a shot. If it sucks, it sucks. Talk to your friends about the relationship- they'll likely be able to provide you write better counsel than I.

 

[brokensea]

The last part of your post, I've spoke about above. There is a bit of anger there. But I do understand, and I know they were just trying to help however they could.

As for my situation, and what I feel I need. I'll be honest. I see people here with stories that I think are far, far harsher than mine. I sometimes feel like a fraud here.
I am in fairly good health, I have a decent(ish) job. I'm intelligent, and most importantly, I do have a wonderfully supportive family. Not many friends anymore, but a handful of very good ones.

The thing I lack is the one thing I always wanted in life. My own family. A partner, children. A million dogs would be nice too.
Every relationship I've ever had has always gone the same way. I give 100%, and somehow it's just not good enough. Usually I get cheated on. Always hurtful.

Life hasn't been great anyway lately, money is tighter than tight, and I have a mortgage to pay. Work has been going downhill. And I could have coped with most of that. But then I lost the love of my life and my 'step children'. We weren't married, but I treated the kids like they were my own.

Gone. In a single day. And I'm still not really sure why. My life has gone from everything I wanted, to silence and loneliness. I've always struggled with depression, hell I've essentially died twice already. And I'm just at the point where I can't pick up the pieces anymore.

Sorry for the wall of text. And like I said, I know there are people here with far more worthy reasons than mine. But this one is mine, and it's killing me

I have a saying, that I've had my whole life.
'Parents break their children'. Some of them by being horrible human beings. And some the complete opposite. I think it's easy for us to put our parents on some kind of pedestal, when really, they're the same fuckups we are just trying to muddle through as best they can

My relationships were all terrible and I lost the person I loved and our baby and they left me for someone else. So I am in a similar boat as you and can't ever even have kids now. My whole life and future is gone forever. It's very painful to never be loved the way you should have been by anyone. You are still young enough that there is a possibility you could meet someone and have a family. So many times we just can't see or know things about the people in our lives who come in and utterly destroy it. It's hard to trust anyone or think there's anyone out there who's not going to betray you. But if you're a person not like that you can't be the only one in the world. Maybe some people never find that but I know people who have. It's good to learn about boundaries and red flags and what to be aware of we sometimes miss when we get close to people. Especially if we aren't used to saying no or having any ability to protect ourselves in our lives. Losing your entire family like that, who wouldn't be feeling the way you do? So much of what happens is not about you or your worth or what love you deserve. There's so many complicated things and reasons and ways people are the way they are and do the things they do.

 

[eldiablo666]

Bro I swear that a good deal of antinatalists seems to think every parent is a sadistic mastermind who makes meticulous plans to have kids so they can make them suffer, when in reality most of the times they were just horny and wanted to have sex

And that makes it any better?

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I really do appreciate all of your kind words. And I appreciate what you're trying to do. The thing I failed to mention, as I'm still reeling a bit from the whole police thing, is that my whole sense of self worth is based on other people. Always has been since I was very young. I don't value myself as a singular unit. I'm only able to find value when I'm part of a relationship. I know that isn't healthy, I'm even aware on some level that it's not how it should be. But it's how it is for me. Rightly or wrongly.
I know that this person had her flaws. And I genuinely thought I was helping and supporting them through quite a lot of it. But for things to end as suddenly and unexplainable as they did. I can't square that away in my mind. Add that to a lifetime of relationships where I give 100% and either get treated badly or cheated on etc., and I'm just past the point where I feel I can start over once again.

The other thing is, I've always been a passionate person. I don't just fall for everyone I meet, but when I do fall, I fall hard you know? But if you added up every relationship I'd ever had and how I felt about them, all of them together wouldn't come close to how I felt about this woman. When we met, it was like being struck by lightning. I couldn't have held back how I felt if I'd tried, and she was the same. Hell it was her who pursued me to start with, whilst I was an idiot who thought she was just being nice because she was way out of my league.To quote deadpool, it was like I made her on a computer. I won't bore you with it, but we went through so much to be together.
I just can't understand how it went from that, to such a sudden ending. It's not the only thing, but it's the straw that broke this camels back

 

[Domimi]

And that makes it any better?

No, but it makes it less bad. If his mother were that sadistic monster, there is a good chance that OP's suffering would be even worse. Conscious evil will always be worse than ignorant evil given the same power. Also, it does changes the accountability of her actions, because if at that time she had acess to the same information we have perhaps she would do things differently, whereas a truly sadistic mother would not care about it at all.

 

[eldiablo666]

No, but it makes it less bad. If his mother were that sadistic monster, there is a good chance that OP's suffering would be even worse. Conscious evil will always be worse than ignorant evil given the same power. Also, it does changes the accountability of her actions, because if at that time she had acess to the same information we have perhaps she would do things differently, whereas a truly sadistic mother would not care about it at all.

Less bad is not of any worth in this argument.
Life is already created. The damage is done.
That life is now exposed to a lifetime of possible risks and undertakings that soul never asked for.
Having children is -the- most selfish act and is always, always the most evil you can ever do in this world. I would argue that any other crime is less of a crime than breeding.
I could go on for pages, but I will never succumb to the brainwash that tells me otherwise.

 

[Regen]

Friend, I wrote something to say goodby to you. And then I read, that something went wrong with your plans. I feel very sorry for your pain. It must be traumatic. I am very happy, that you could hide away your sn!

But I am really sad, that you get no help. I read about your therapist. And yes, it is really true, hat only a few psychologists are really helpfull. It is a great luck to find a good one.... And then therapy can be helpfull. But in the other case it can be worse then before, because you feel more hopeless.

What you wrote about your circumstances - it breaks my heart. I can understand it.... I often feel similar. I only had one relationship in life. He was my big love and I do everything. But he often met other woman. I dreamed about family and kids too. And yes, I also feel like I am a lyer because others are worse then me. Sorry for my english, I am in hurry, but I want to answer to you because it touch my heart.

Please be kind to yourself. You have had a really hard time. Do something good for yourself. I really wish you could find someone professionell who are much more better then the other psychologist. A big hug to you.

 

[Pluto]

I just can't understand how it went from that, to such a sudden ending. It's not the only thing, but it's the straw that broke this camels back

I know just how you feel. I once met someone who seemed to be all my dreams come true. I couldn't have asked for more, and we had a real connection. Unfortunately, she had been hurt in the past (by a narcissist, of course) to the extent that I don't think she would ever let down her barriers, and I've increasingly ended up the same way. It's been a long time since she drifted away, but it reminds me of how lame and futile it seems trying to meet new people now. Perhaps such events are once in a lifetime, I don't know.

One thing about relationships, they are a brutal but honest mirror reflection of where we are at. I had a family that treated me as sub-human, and I never found the key to change that internal programming. Somehow the 'I don't matter' disease has manifested in every aspect of life, particularly relationships. I'm going to take a guess and say that your father wasn't ideal.

The situation might be workable if you are open to explore the very roots of the issue and try and correct it, but I feel like a hypocrite disseminating advice that I am not doing a great job at taking myself. So no judgement from me either way.

 

[StolenLife]

I wish you find your peace. Farewell.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Friend, I wrote something to say goodby to you. And then I read, that something went wrong with your plans. I feel very sorry for your pain. It must be traumatic. I am very happy, that you could hide away your sn!

But I am really sad, that you get no help. I read about your therapist. And yes, it is really true, hat only a few psychologists are really helpfull. It is a great luck to find a good one.... And then therapy can be helpfull. But in the other case it can be worse then before, because you feel more hopeless.

What you wrote about your circumstances - it breaks my heart. I can understand it.... I often feel similar. I only had one relationship in life. He was my big love and I do everything. But he often met other woman. I dreamed about family and kids too. And yes, I also feel like I am a lyer because others are worse then me. Sorry for my english, I am in hurry, but I want to answer to you because it touch my heart.

Please be kind to yourself. You have had a really hard time. Do something good for yourself. I really wish you could find someone professionell who are much more better then the other psychologist. A big hug to you.

I thank you for your words. They are very kind. I've always found this place to be such a blessing, even though I'm a way, I wish none of us had to find our way here.
Thank you again

I know just how you feel. I once met someone who seemed to be all my dreams come true. I couldn't have asked for more, and we had a real connection. Unfortunately, she had been hurt in the past (by a narcissist, of course) to the extent that I don't think she would ever let down her barriers, and I've increasingly ended up the same way. It's been a long time since she drifted away, but it reminds me of how lame and futile it seems trying to meet new people now. Perhaps such events are once in a lifetime, I don't know.

One thing about relationships, they are a brutal but honest mirror reflection of where we are at. I had a family that treated me as sub-human, and I never found the key to change that internal programming. Somehow the 'I don't matter' disease has manifested in every aspect of life, particularly relationships. I'm going to take a guess and say that your father wasn't ideal.

The situation might be workable if you are open to explore the very roots of the issue and try and correct it, but I feel like a hypocrite disseminating advice that I am not doing a great job at taking myself. So no judgement from me either way.

Thank you for taking the time to try to understand and relate to me. I'm sorry to hear you have gone through similar to me. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
My father was heavily broken by his own childhood. He has always done his best to try and break that cycle with me, but I don't think he really has the tools to cope with it. As I said, my family is one area where I really did get lucky. I couldn't have asked for better. But despite that, it's not the thing I need in life to be fulfilled and to have the strength to keep on. I hate the effect me being like this has on them, but I can't help what I am

 

[Nirrend]

Hi sweet @LookingOverTheEdge

I'm really sorry you went through this.. each time someone plan to leave I feel more and more devastated.. But this is life and pain is always everywhere for everybody...

I wish you the best, I'm really sorry for you ❤

Love ❤