Hey guys. Yesterday's experience was a changing day for me. I decided if I'm going this far, why not anything else. I went to the 7 storey garage and also a 190 ft bridge, that had a slight chance of landing on someone if you didn't take the time and watch and possibly have someone grab you.
It was the most life changing experience I've ever had. I backed out. Literally seconds away from both. Put my hands on the ledge. I could've been a goner right now.
I said you know what if I'm this far ill do anything else.
I went to some family friends in the middle of the night and spilled my guts out and told them everything that happened to me including my hanging and jumping attempts, how I'm fucked over.
It was extremely emotional. They said they never would've thought someone like me would ever reach that point.
They agreed to help me through all of this hell and get me back in track to a normal existence and out of my abuse.
This taught me a lot. If you're gonna make a big move of CTB, don't be afraid to step beyond social norms to exhaust all options of help and every avenue out.
I've gone from a businessman, a health nut with stats that make doctors jealous especially with an autoimmune disease I worked years at to suppress, a chill guy who enjoyed smoking flowers, to living homeless recently and alcoholic. When my entire life until the last few months I rarely drank and never in heavy excess.
It also taught me a lot about suicidal people and made me 10x more compassionate in a non judgmental way. Sometimes people are ran over. Hopeless. Abused. I think for many people CTB isn't irrational. It's an organisms way of escaping torture.
I still think this is a shit world. But I think what makes this place less shitty, are people who show compassion and dont judge others without walking a mile in their shoes. Especially with someone is drowning in an ocean. Possibly from someone who threw them off the boat.
We are all goners without each other. I became so depressed about my nation, this society, my family, my friends and their state, had everything taken from me without my control, dealing with others with sociopathic narcisistic tendencies.
I'm bulletproof after this. I hope you all make it out of it. But if the pain is unbearable and all avenues are exhaused, i understand escaping torture. Its like i crawled out of a thin maze at last minute. Empty bank account, less than 100 miles of gas, didnt eat for 2 days, started having mild alcohol withdrawal.
And unlike judgmental losers who haven't walked a mile in hell or been put in a horrific situation before, it taught me the pain others have that before, despite what I went through, couldve never imagined, and that we need to show others real love and care.
It's all a choice in the end. And if we don't want people destroying themselves this place needs to be different. If I didn't have others. I would've not been making this message now. I would've jumped, hung, crashed my car, starved / thristed to death, or something else horrific.
I love you all and I'm here whatever choice you make.
It was bigger than psychedelic experiences I've had. Yesterday.
I understand. We need to treat each other different and judge less, especially if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.
I'm gonna taper off the booze, and work hard to fix my life up the best I can, and uplift others that are struggling without judgment.
We very much need to change the mental health and criminal system. If you haven't walked a mile in their shoes, shut the fuck up.
Thanks for reading.
