Goodbye thread: CTB very soon with SN *DAY 1*

[SuicidalPlushie]

Hi,

I'm 18M living in my parents house and i have decided to leave this earth forever in the end of DAY 2, i been in pain for years and sadness took over my heart and i no longer able to see the bright light of life, i gave up and surrendered to this pain and i want to be in peace soon as i have several mental illness (BPD, depression, social anxiety and PTSD) with a lot of traumas and pain in past and having no future here, I'm tired and exhausted from all this chaos and having no interest on anything and crying everyday with suicidal and bad thoughts all time has destroyed me.

I tried to change my life and thinking many times all ended with failure and tragedy, then i gave up on trying to change and just lived hopeless and in misery trying to just cope but i had so much pressure on me in this year and thoughts and urges to end it has grow so much then i just tried self harming, smoking and do destructive lifestyle to numb me and maybe to get the fate to look at me to mercy and pity me and change my destiny and i been so kind and understanding to everyone i treated them with love as i always was but nothing changed.. there was no one to help it was illusion and i feel completely alone in this battle... i lost the battle.. i want go home.

I have SN and Meto anti-emetic and i have tested it with blood and turned to dark chocolate and will follow Stan's guide with Stat Dose with fasting 8 hours or more and doing it in my room early morning as i will have many hours up to 6 hours or more with no one checking me, the only thing is my lovely parents will discover me first and i feel so sorry for the pain i will cause, i will leave note for them on my phone and tell them how much i wanted to say i love them very much and hug them everyday because i was shy all these years, will request forgiveness though i don't know whether they will forgive or not. im so sorry

No words can describe my pain, but suicide will explain it.

 

[Medicmedic72]

I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know if you should leave the note on your phone, the police may take it.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know if you should leave the note on your phone, the police may take it.

thank you for understanding but whether it's paper or phone i'm not sure they will take it for sometime but i know they will release it later and my family will read it or maybe the police will tell them the note, and also i prefer on phone because if it's paper note they will take photo of it and will spread on internet

 

[LoveYoux]

You beautiful soul x

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

You beautiful soul x

i love you, hugs the peace is soon and close.. everything will be ok again

 

[Deleted member 31858]

you could leave them a hole card before you take SN, you can hide it somewhere in your room or theirs, and put that they don't give it to anyone, just for them. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain and it had to come to this.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

you could leave them a hole card before you take SN, you can hide it somewhere in your room or theirs, and put that they don't give it to anyone, just for them. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain and it had to come to this.

thank you for suggestion and care, i think i will just try send a delayed telegram messages/SMS messages with additionally a note in my phone so i will be sure either ways they will get it to their phones and will have it secured. love you

 

[peanuts]

I am so so sorry you're in so much pain. This was hard enough just to read, and you're so young :( It will be very hard for your parents of course, they will be comforted by a note and I am sure they won't share it if you ask them not to.

Happiness is just around the corner - you will be okay.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

I am so so sorry you're in so much pain. This was hard enough just to read, and you're so young :( It will be very hard for your parents of course, they will be comforted by a note and I am sure they won't share it if you ask them not to.

Happiness is just around the corner - you will be okay.

i'm so thankful for your kind message, it's sad, a tragedy and not only very hard on parents but it will crush them for years as they have strong unconditional love.. i have no option and everytime i close my eyes now i see a bright light, i see my home near

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

Update: woke to have bad diarrhea and stomach don't feel great seems infection with pressure inside chest and fearing of danger coming.. hopefully i get well before drinking SN later
and also feeling peaceful

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

I'm now feeling better after i slept some time but i had strange dream: i was in my old school and saw my class then i saw the only teacher who supported me coming towards me and his face was disappointed.. he said to me "why you been like this? how did you get this low? you were a brilliant student, i'm disappointed on you then another teacher came and told me you failed the exams( thou im no longer in school) and then showed me a paper with my name on it that indicate i got expelled from the school, then i told him why you expelled me it was only exams.. he then said "no, you failed" and then i walked out of school


i believe that school was the life, i failed in surviving it now i have to leave it, i feel so down

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. This life really is so cruel and unfair and I know that this life can be unbearable when you suffer so much. I understand being tired of everything. I wish you relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

 

[Niirvana]

'No words can describe my pain, but suicide will explain it.' Thats so true....

 

[TheLastFemaphrodyke]

Hi,

I'm 18M living in my parents house and i have decided to leave this earth forever in the end of DAY 2, i been in pain for years and sadness took over my heart and i no longer able to see the bright light of life, i gave up and surrendered to this pain and i want to be in peace soon as i have several mental illness (BPD, depression, social anxiety and PTSD) with a lot of traumas and pain in past and having no future here, I'm tired and exhausted from all this chaos and having no interest on anything and crying everyday with suicidal and bad thoughts all time has destroyed me.

I tried to change my life and thinking many times all ended with failure and tragedy, then i gave up on trying to change and just lived hopeless and in misery trying to just cope but i had so much pressure on me in this year and thoughts and urges to end it has grow so much then i just tried self harming, smoking and do destructive lifestyle to numb me and maybe to get the fate to look at me to mercy and pity me and change my destiny and i been so kind and understanding to everyone i treated them with love as i always was but nothing changed.. there was no one to help it was illusion and i feel completely alone in this battle... i lost the battle.. i want go home.

I have SN and Meto anti-emetic and i have tested it with blood and turned to dark chocolate and will follow Stan's guide with Stat Dose with fasting 8 hours or more and doing it in my room early morning as i will have many hours up to 6 hours or more with no one checking me, the only thing is my lovely parents will discover me first and i feel so sorry for the pain i will cause, i will leave note for them on my phone and tell them how much i wanted to say i love them very much and hug them everyday because i was shy all these years, will request forgiveness though i don't know whether they will forgive or not. im so sorry

No words can describe my pain, but suicide will explain it.

My heart to you. I began feeling this way when I was about 7 years old. I am 59 now. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but I am not one to blow smoke up your arse. In the movie 'Leon' the little girl played by a very young Natalie Portman is sitting with her legs through the rails of a high stair case, her nose is bleeding and she is hiding smoking a ciggarette from Leon as he walks past. He notices her tears and bloody nose, hiding the smoke, offers her a handkerchief and asks why she hides the smoke. She tells him because of her dad and wipes her bloody nose then asks is life always so hard or when does it get better, Leon, looks down and says, 'it never gets better'. I wish I could scream that he is wrong, that he is a liar, but I cannot.

Would I go back and try and make sure any of my suicide attempts succeeded? No. I would not go back, if given the chance, and assure that my first or any other attempt were successful. Why? Because, yes, this life is shit, I am 59 and have been homeless basically all my life, I am still autistic, always will be, I still have curvature of the spine and EDS which is extremely painful and I still suffer from multiple traumas that have left me in an almost continual state of PTSD, but, had I left, when I was 14, the first time I tried, I would not have had some of the experiences I have had, I would not have had the proofs that I have received. If I had been successful 18 years ago when I almost succeeded and had an actual out of body experience, I would not have met the people from that experience, on the other side of the country, I would never have climbed the three mountains I have climbed, gotten to see Yellowstone Park, a real live bison, moose, elk, alligator, I never would have had the conversation with my mother before she died, gotten to live in a semi traveling across the country for eight years and seeing all kinds of things, I never would have met my husband.

Do I STILL have suicidal thoughts and tendancies? Yes. Why? Sometimes I do not know, sometimes it is because I hear others talking about others they hate, that I identify with or as, sometimes it is just because this life sucks for those who are not willing to shit on others to have a life.

All I can say, is I am here.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

My heart to you. I began feeling this way when I was about 7 years old. I am 59 now. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but I am not one to blow smoke up your arse. In the movie 'Leon' the little girl played by a very young Natalie Portman is sitting with her legs through the rails of a high stair case, her nose is bleeding and she is hiding smoking a ciggarette from Leon as he walks past. He notices her tears and bloody nose, hiding the smoke, offers her a handkerchief and asks why she hides the smoke. She tells him because of her dad and wipes her bloody nose then asks is life always so hard or when does it get better, Leon, looks down and says, 'it never gets better'. I wish I could scream that he is wrong, that he is a liar, but I cannot.

Would I go back and try and make sure any of my suicide attempts succeeded? No. I would not go back, if given the chance, and assure that my first or any other attempt were successful. Why? Because, yes, this life is shit, I am 59 and have been homeless basically all my life, I am still autistic, always will be, I still have curvature of the spine and EDS which is extremely painful and I still suffer from multiple traumas that have left me in an almost continual state of PTSD, but, had I left, when I was 14, the first time I tried, I would not have had some of the experiences I have had, I would not have had the proofs that I have received. If I had been successful 18 years ago when I almost succeeded and had an actual out of body experience, I would not have met the people from that experience, on the other side of the country, I would never have climbed the three mountains I have climbed, gotten to see Yellowstone Park, a real live bison, moose, elk, alligator, I never would have had the conversation with my mother before she died, gotten to live in a semi traveling across the country for eight years and seeing all kinds of things, I never would have met my husband.

Do I STILL have suicidal thoughts and tendancies? Yes. Why? Sometimes I do not know, sometimes it is because I hear others talking about others they hate, that I identify with or as, sometimes it is just because this life sucks for those who are not willing to shit on others to have a life.

All I can say, is I am here.

thank you for such kind words much love to you and support.

i know that move called leon the professional i think, i don't think it really cause once depression hit you and your soul broken it will not be the same whether you will get money, wife or so much traveling there will be always something missing and that how i feel, the things was make me so happy is no longer working, my face looks so tired and my pretty big eyes are now withered and have no light inside it, i have experiencing some crazy things too that changed my perspective but sadness, depression and suicidal thoughts never gone it always there waiting for my weakness time, also my view on world changed and i feel nothing really worth it, even money is just paper with numbers to me now and everything is just temporary and not worth chasing things that will vanish later

does it get better? yes, in this life? i don't know.


Update: i just have a dinner with family from few mins, it was pleasant to feel "home" with them, i tried my best to laugh,smile and throw jokes in hoping of remembering me as a beautiful and joyful person and not remembering my dark side of depression, self harm and bad thoughts, i tried to hide that horrible side for my whole life and i succeeded in that, i starred at their faces for so long and wanted to burst into tears and crying so hard, i'm hoping they will remember this happy memories later so they can forgive me because i have no option.

 

[BornBrief]

I echo the words of that previous poster. You are really so young. I am 30 now and thought I would be dead at your age. I certainly wanted to die. But I'm glad I didn't have a mostly foolproof option like SN back then. I know I can leave now and have the means to, but if I had done it earlier I wouldnt have had the experiences and met some of the people I did despite being a mess. And there has been a lot of pain along the way but also a lot of love. I hope you'll consider all the possibilities and I'm sorry for the pain you're in.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

I echo the words of that previous poster. You are really so young. I am 30 now and thought I would be dead at your age. I certainly wanted to die. But I'm glad I didn't have a mostly foolproof option like SN back then. I know I can leave now and have the means to, but if I had done it earlier I wouldnt have had the experiences and met some of the people I did despite being a mess. And there has been a lot of pain along the way but also a lot of love. I hope you'll consider all the possibilities and I'm sorry for the pain you're in.

thank you for the caring in your words, i'm still young but really don't see reason to keep going, why bother to stay when the chance is in my hand? that's said i lost the joy and interest in trying new things and been so withdrawn from everybody, i have been thinking about this for months and found the leaving is best for me as depression and mental problems has prevented me from enjoying anything for years and living any longer is kind of nightmare i don't want to see, i also have strong belief in a very beautiful afterlife and i will have my peace and love there.

no need to fight anymore, i will be home soon.

 

[Lawliet]

i'm hoping for a swift and safe passage for you. <3 you're young but that shouldn't invalidate your choice; if i had died at your age i wouldn't have had do deal with ten more years of agony. a note is a great idea.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

i'm hoping for a swift and safe passage for you. <3 you're young but that shouldn't invalidate your choice; if i had died at your age i wouldn't have had do deal with ten more years of agony. a note is a great idea.

thank you for respecting my choice, the note at least will give some comfort though it's a bit hard for me to write it as it's kind of painful and hurting for me, though i can't be ignorant and leave them without comforting them with a note at least

 

[bed_rider]

I echo the words of that previous poster. You are really so young. I am 30 now and thought I would be dead at your age. I certainly wanted to die. But I'm glad I didn't have a mostly foolproof option like SN back then. I know I can leave now and have the means to, but if I had done it earlier I wouldnt have had the experiences and met some of the people I did despite being a mess. And there has been a lot of pain along the way but also a lot of love. I hope you'll consider all the possibilities and I'm sorry for the pain you're in.

Agree. I'm older too, and waiting until me dog dies. Then I can go too.

 

[Medicmedic72]

Today is Day 2, if I read your post right. How do you feel today?

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

Today is Day 2, if I read your post right. How do you feel today?

i have woke now and i feel calm and im looking forward for the moment and im smiling, my SI still has not kicked i think and i will have busy day i will prepare somethings, have a bath and shave my face then find some good clothes etc. i feel happy

 

[fathead30]

Hi,

I'm 18M living in my parents house and i have decided to leave this earth forever in the end of DAY 2, i been in pain for years and sadness took over my heart and i no longer able to see the bright light of life, i gave up and surrendered to this pain and i want to be in peace soon as i have several mental illness (BPD, depression, social anxiety and PTSD) with a lot of traumas and pain in past and having no future here, I'm tired and exhausted from all this chaos and having no interest on anything and crying everyday with suicidal and bad thoughts all time has destroyed me.

I tried to change my life and thinking many times all ended with failure and tragedy, then i gave up on trying to change and just lived hopeless and in misery trying to just cope but i had so much pressure on me in this year and thoughts and urges to end it has grow so much then i just tried self harming, smoking and do destructive lifestyle to numb me and maybe to get the fate to look at me to mercy and pity me and change my destiny and i been so kind and understanding to everyone i treated them with love as i always was but nothing changed.. there was no one to help it was illusion and i feel completely alone in this battle... i lost the battle.. i want go home.

I have SN and Meto anti-emetic and i have tested it with blood and turned to dark chocolate and will follow Stan's guide with Stat Dose with fasting 8 hours or more and doing it in my room early morning as i will have many hours up to 6 hours or more with no one checking me, the only thing is my lovely parents will discover me first and i feel so sorry for the pain i will cause, i will leave note for them on my phone and tell them how much i wanted to say i love them very much and hug them everyday because i was shy all these years, will request forgiveness though i don't know whether they will forgive or not. im so sorry

No words can describe my pain, but suicide will explain it.

give it 2 years. Do NOT do it trust me. You will thank me for this, This is a bad idea

give it 2 years. Do NOT do it trust me. You will thank me for this, This is a bad idea

you are too young

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

give it 2 years. Do NOT do it trust me. You will thank me for this, This is a bad idea

you are too young

i have already years of suffering and living another 2 years is a nightmare as im 100% sure the future will be same and maybe worse cause my problems can't be solved, but i thank you for caring about me

 

[GetMeOut]

i have already years of suffering...

I don't know your background, of course, but 18 is very young. I'd give it until age 25. Around that time comes your first big mental switch, when you can imagine being old for the first time, can grasp how short a human life is, how short your own life will be.

i have several mental illness (BPD, depression, social anxiety and PTSD)

We sound similar in this respect: I'm BPD, depression, anxiety, and have some autistic traits (I'm definitely not autistic, though).

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

I don't know your background, of course, but 18 is very young. I'd give it until age 25. Around that time comes your first big mental switch, when you can imagine being old for the first time, can grasp how short a human life is, how short your own life will be.

i have no interest in living and it will be a huge skip for me to not wait for 25, i have major depression and this life doesn't worth a cent to me but i'm very thankful for your caring :) also i been thinking about ending it from months and i'm in clear mind now so it's not impulsive

 

[GetMeOut]

also i been thinking about ending it from months and i'm in clear mind now so it's not impulsive

I appreciate what you're saying and I wish you well. I'm ctb myself in less than two weeks.

 

[SuicidalPlushie]

I appreciate what you're saying and I wish you well. I'm ctb myself in less than two weeks.

wish you a smooth journey filled with love, and maybe i would welcome you there in the other side :)

 

[lostmyacc]

give it 2 years. Do NOT do it trust me. You will thank me for this, This is a bad idea

you are too young

You are not an expert on their life. What you're trying to do, is impose your will and ideology on the OP.
Suffering isn't linked to age, you can have unbelievable pain at 18, to discount this and say things will improve with no evidence is straw clutching.
Of course OP can change their mind and should if they want, but to just condemn them as having a bad idea is harsh.