“Goodbye the Cruel World!1!”

[ares0027]

So i made a post today that it will most likely be my last, hopefully it will in a few minutes. I teased myself with night night and so far so good. I have written my goodbyes, my warnings for my mother so she is not the one to find "me" but don't know if she will listen to me and i dont even know how she will get into my house :D

Cats are outside with about 2 weeks of water and food, mother will probably come tuesday or wednesday, my uncle will drop him off so i am hoping that she will call him back saying that she cannot reach me nor enter the house, he will either take her to his house (which i do not want) or call a locksmith and open the door, i couldnt risk placing my house key outside (i live in an apartment)

Ordered my fancy dinner, will have to do something about the bowels and muscles relaxing though. I dont want them to find "me" in that.

Found a comfortable way to lock and tighten the ratchet and 2 towels. They are not symmetrical but they work. At least i think so, i was getting an expansion feeling and kind of a choking but not really feeling when i was teasing myself earlier today.

I tried to talk to a few friends, couldnt say anything. One just said that it feels like something was wrong and i am not myself and offered to take me out when i have time this week. Another one who is the only one who knew my ex is married now is today moving in with his own girlfriend to a new house so he wasnt that available and i said i was okay with it and we would talk later. He knows if i want to do something, i would and he is the one who made me stop the last time. I had to write a special note for him to not feel guilty about not being available because i know he will.

My hope and idea is continue teasing myself, keeping the ratchet tight enough to not really hurt to get comfortable with the feeling and then hopefully have strength to pull it once more to lock it tight. If i fail i have a lot of work related stuff to do so i hope it works :D

This is not for you guys btw, this is for me to legitimize it. I want to do it because without someone i cant handle this pain and there is noone right now, i dont have the power nor the guts to look for someone. I have been trying whole my life and only found once which made everything worse at the end.

Damn why tf did i eat this late?! It was the courier i tell you, it took about 2 hours for it to be delivered from the moment of order. I definitely have to do something about it though.

Cats started to get restless, they have always been with me, sleeping with me and such since their birth and they are getting anxious trying to open the door which makes me feel awful.

Ill probably be around for a couple more hours then we will see.

 

[dory]

wishing you the best :)

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I truly hope you get to the peace you deserve.

 

[FuneralCry]

This world certainly is so incredibly cruel, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[Lulzacruel]

goodbye man. wish you the best in your endeavour.

virtual hugs :-)

 

[MrDarkness]

I hope your able to find peace, I'll cya soon

 

[Kerrtu]

So i made a post today that it will most likely be my last, hopefully it will in a few minutes. I teased myself with night night and so far so good. I have written my goodbyes, my warnings for my mother so she is not the one to find "me" but don't know if she will listen to me and i dont even know how she will get into my house :D

Cats are outside with about 2 weeks of water and food, mother will probably come tuesday or wednesday, my uncle will drop him off so i am hoping that she will call him back saying that she cannot reach me nor enter the house, he will either take her to his house (which i do not want) or call a locksmith and open the door, i couldnt risk placing my house key outside (i live in an apartment)

Ordered my fancy dinner, will have to do something about the bowels and muscles relaxing though. I dont want them to find "me" in that.

Found a comfortable way to lock and tighten the ratchet and 2 towels. They are not symmetrical but they work. At least i think so, i was getting an expansion feeling and kind of a choking but not really feeling when i was teasing myself earlier today.

I tried to talk to a few friends, couldnt say anything. One just said that it feels like something was wrong and i am not myself and offered to take me out when i have time this week. Another one who is the only one who knew my ex is married now is today moving in with his own girlfriend to a new house so he wasnt that available and i said i was okay with it and we would talk later. He knows if i want to do something, i would and he is the one who made me stop the last time. I had to write a special note for him to not feel guilty about not being available because i know he will.

My hope and idea is continue teasing myself, keeping the ratchet tight enough to not really hurt to get comfortable with the feeling and then hopefully have strength to pull it once more to lock it tight. If i fail i have a lot of work related stuff to do so i hope it works :D

This is not for you guys btw, this is for me to legitimize it. I want to do it because without someone i cant handle this pain and there is noone right now, i dont have the power nor the guts to look for someone. I have been trying whole my life and only found once which made everything worse at the end.

Damn why tf did i eat this late?! It was the courier i tell you, it took about 2 hours for it to be delivered from the moment of order. I definitely have to do something about it though.

Cats started to get restless, they have always been with me, sleeping with me and such since their birth and they are getting anxious trying to open the door which makes me feel awful.

Ill probably be around for a couple more hours then we will see.

I practiced with the night night method - once I found the sweet spot, I felt a lot more relief to have that option. Then I let someone borrow the ratchet straps to move some furniture and that was the last I saw of the straps.

It must be heartbreaking to leave your cats - I'm remembering Vizzy, when he was readying to CTB, a cat had found his/her way into the room and someone had commented something to the effect of, maybe the cat was a sign for Vizzy to stay.

He's at peace now. Whatever happens in your situation, I wish you peace as well.

 

[NoHorizon]

I'm so sorry that life has brought you to this place. I wish you peace in whatever outcome happens.

 

[sayire]

Ordered my fancy dinner, will have to do something about the bowels and muscles relaxing though. I dont want them to find "me" in that.

nice. thats one of the things I plan to do too. I love food and fancy last meal is in the books.

I tried to talk to a few friends, couldnt say anything. One just said that it feels like something was wrong and i am not myself and offered to take me out when i have time this week. Another one who is the only one who knew my ex is married now is today moving in with his own girlfriend to a new house so he wasnt that available and i said i was okay with it and we would talk later. He knows if i want to do something, i would and he is the one who made me stop the last time. I had to write a special note for him to not feel guilty about not being available because i know he will.

My hope and idea is continue teasing myself, keeping the ratchet tight enough to not really hurt to get comfortable with the feeling and then hopefully have strength to pull it once more to lock it tight. If i fail i have a lot of work related stuff to do so i hope it works :D

maybe it is just me, but this to me comes across as you are probably not fully sure of your decision. sorry if I am misreading...

This is not for you guys btw, this is for me to legitimize it. I want to do it because without someone i cant handle this pain and there is noone right now, i dont have the power nor the guts to look for someone. I have been trying whole my life and only found once which made everything worse at the end.

yeah going up and coming down makes the downs so much worse. I feel your pain. I hope you are not being impulsive.

I sincerely wish you all the best to find the path to your peace.

 

[ares0027]

nice. thats one of the things I plan to do too. I love food and fancy last meal is in the books.



maybe it is just me, but this to me comes across as you are probably not fully sure of your decision. sorry if I am misreading...



yeah going up and coming down makes the downs so much worse. I feel your pain. I hope you are not being impulsive.

I sincerely wish you all the best to find the path to your peace.

You are kinda right. I have a lot of things to live for. I have 3 amazing cats (they are actually a family, mother, father and the daughter). On my professional life i am right now doing exactly what i want to do and in training to become what i wanted to be in the second largest company in the world, the smiley logo one and if had finished the training (until february) i would become a research analyst and work globally, change and decide on things globally.

But i am alone. Not just alone but also lonely. I have always been in my life. That girlfriend i had was the sole reason i wasnt acting on it because she was at least semi-helpful. I had one more thing that i loved to live for. I just cant bear this life anymore. Seeing how it is easy to be happy yet realizing how impossible for me to be one is excruciating. This is not an impulse thing. How would i have a customized ratchet the day i learned my ex is married? I still have half a kilo maybe more of various drugs that are lethal and i replenish them every 6-9 months.

I am just bored with the idea of "amagawd maybe this shit will make it better", "oh no 3 more months until this shit comes to a resolution", "maybe this shit will make me happy". Hope might be a good thing for people but not for me after i failed for more than 15-16 years. Dont you think i want to find someone that i can share anything with, be silent with, argue with, discuss with, learn with, have sex with? I know there are people who would like me maybe even love me but they are not aware of me, i am not aware of them, we cannot find each other and i am exhausted trying. Like on my previous post maybe that is why i am writing this shit here, maybe i am looking for someone to stop me, why else i would do it when i have all the knowledge and tools about my choice, logically? I am just exhausted trying and failing. I dont want to fail anymore and only logical option to me right now is not trying.

 

[sayire]

This is not an impulse thing. How would i have a customized ratchet the day i learned my ex is married? I still have half a kilo maybe more of various drugs that are lethal and i replenish them every 6-9 months.

By impulse I do not mean you did not think about this enough. You obviously have thought about it enough and planned for it well.
By impulse I mean, you got triggered. Which is not to say is wrong. You were more in the path of I will be prepared and when something goes on top I will exit. personally I feel for me whats best is, I am very clear, and I have exhausted everything plan.

am just exhausted trying and failing. I dont want to fail anymore and only logical option to me right now is not trying.

I hear you, you have tried for long enough and hard enough. yeah it is exhausting. we are probably very similar that way. really I do not know what to say. sounds like you have been on both sides of the coin enough number of times. your messages and state of mind make it hard for me to say, see you on the other side. at the same time you did put in the work already.

I guess all that I can say is, all the best with your next steps.

 

[UKscotty]

Good luck

 

[ares0027]

By impulse I do not mean you did not think about this enough. You obviously have thought about it enough and planned for it well.
By impulse I mean, you got triggered. Which is not to say is wrong. You were more in the path of I will be prepared and when something goes on top I will exit. personally I feel for me whats best is, I am very clear, and I have exhausted everything plan.



I hear you, you have tried for long enough and hard enough. yeah it is exhausting. we are probably very similar that way. really I do not know what to say. sounds like you have been on both sides of the coin enough number of times. your messages and state of mind make it hard for me to say, see you on the other side. at the same time you did put in the work already.

I guess all that I can say is, all the best with your next steps.

Yep you are right. What you call a trigger, i call proof. Or shall we call it the last drop?

When i play video games, and i used to play a lot but after a certain age became this way, i give them a limited chances. Back in the days if i was to fail i would try again and again and again until i beat the crap of that game but after 20-25 my attitude changed; if i am not having fun, if i am getting exhausted playing a game why play at all and i would just "alt + f4" (terminate the app) and i even grow a hatred towards games that do not close with alt+f4. I play, i see something i dont like, i alt+f4.

Why not on the life itself? Maybe some of you know Ricky Gervais' After Life? The main character had the power of ending it the moment he didnt like it anymore. He didnt have to play unnecessary games for the sake of social norms and such. I always thought i had that power too even before that show (at the end show changed but i havent)

Also it would sound stupid i know but i always envied morons. Not to see myself as a different shit but "ignorance is bliss" is real. Not knowing something is much better than having something and losing it forever. So i just dont want to feel anymore. However possible.

 

[90starve]

wishing you a peaceful journey <3

 

[sayire]

Yep you are right. What you call a trigger, i call proof. Or shall we call it the last drop?

I hear ya. I wish you safe travels.

 

[day]

I hope your suffering finds an end in the cold and futile world. See you on the other side OP. I hope it's peaceful.

 

[Rack.-]

Dont you think i want to find someone that i can share anything with, be silent with, argue with, discuss with, learn with, have sex with? I know there are people who would like me maybe even love me but they are not aware of me, i am not aware of them, we cannot find each other and i am exhausted trying. Like on my previous post maybe that is why i am writing this shit here, maybe i am looking for someone to stop me, why else i would do it when i have all the knowledge and tools about my choice, logically? I am just exhausted trying and failing. I dont want to fail anymore and only logical option to me right now is not trying.

I'm exactly going through the same as you, It's so painful knowing that we don't have that "special someone" with whom we can just be open to and simply let know that we love that person so much. I don't think you are definitely determined to end it all. I dunno but maybe you could try using dating apps? I hope everything goes well with what you choose to do and also let you know that I care about you wherever you are

You are kinda right. I have a lot of things to live for. I have 3 amazing cats (they are actually a family, mother, father and the daughter).

Btw the fact the 3 cats are actually family is super cute, I bet they are all beautiful. If you are still uncertain keep living for them, wish you the best.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you peace and freedom from this horrible world.

 

[mazzy]

I'm sorry this world has been so cruel to you, I hope you find the peace and rest you deserve

 

[ares0027]

Fuk! I cannot do it. Last 2 hours i have been trying and i cannot get past the head expanding feeling. It just feels like it but nothing happens. I stand there and look at my reflection in the mirror. That is it. Probably my ratchet is too small width-wise or i cannot find my arteries properly.

Ill look into it tomorrow. Too tired for the day, sorry guys, wrong alarm :(

 

[Victim.Of.Life]

Fuk! I cannot do it. Last 2 hours i have been trying and i cannot get past the head expanding feeling. It just feels like it but nothing happens. I stand there and look at my reflection in the mirror. That is it. Probably my ratchet is too small width-wise or i cannot find my arteries properly.

Ill look into it tomorrow. Too tired for the day, sorry guys, wrong alarm :(

No need to feel bad about it. Ctb is scary...
I have tested hanging a few times, SI always gets the best of me.
I hope you have a good night's rest.

 

[sayire]

Fuk! I cannot do it. Last 2 hours i have been trying and i cannot get past the head expanding feeling. It just feels like it but nothing happens. I stand there and look at my reflection in the mirror. That is it. Probably my ratchet is too small width-wise or i cannot find my arteries properly.

Ill look into it tomorrow. Too tired for the day, sorry guys, wrong alarm :(

SI is one mf. hope u feel better. it happens all the time.