birdofafeather
Just tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 45
I changed my mind about my date. I couldn't spend another minute alive. If it means that my final minutes of brain activity are pure agony, I don't care anymore. I've decided to go against shallow water blackout because that's too unreliable, too easy to fuck up. I'm hanging myself, full suspension. In my room. It'll probably be about a week before anyone notices.
I've mentally prepared myself: I know that due to trauma and just general pain and sensory issues, it's going to be pure agony, but this will have to be the last bit of agony I have to endure.
I've decided to type out the note I'm leaving below. I'm not linking any files here, lest they be geotagged, and the site gets more attention, and more traffic. I have also removed my name, and replaced it with my initials. I know that there is a high likelihood I make the news, given the college I am at, so I have taken care to cover all links to this site.
"To those of you who know, and those of you who don't know me, my name is [KZ]. I understand that that is not my legal name, but I would appreciate if this were respected. Should it not be respected, I will be back to haunt everyone and their ancestors forever. So be warned.
This was a long time coming, and many factors were to blame. No one was at fault, and nor could anyone have done anything to make this outcome different. I don't want people thinking that they killed me, I'd much prefer people act as if I never existed in the first place.
There is this pressure to write something profound here, to sum up the entirety of my life in a neat little package, in a way that changes everything. There is nothing to say. I was in severe pain, and I'm no longer in pain. I once saw someone explain suicide like someone jumping out the window of a tall burning building: if there was no fire, you'd have no desire to jump out, but the fear of the fire trumps the fear of the fall, so down you jump.
I could spend hours writing about my experiences as an autistic trans person, but what is there to say that hasn't already been said? The system is flawed. The system is killing trans and neurodivergent people (and this does include children, I know how people seem to put far more weight on their lives than anyone else's). The system has played a part in my decision. So has the state of my brain. People kept telling me it would get better, people kept saying it was just teenage angst, and I would get over it. I've had the desire to eradicate myself since I was 9. It's been over a decade. It's not getting better.
I know exams were coming up. I assure you all, they were not at all part of my decision; in fact, they almost made me delay everything, because I felt like I finally was a somewhat functional human being.
There is no big main reason for why I've come to this decision: let me be honest, this is far from the first note I'm writing, and I'm hoping it will be my last. I'm tired of trying to come up with a neat little packaged reason to make everyone feel better about me being gone. So just know, it's complicated. I haven't been struck with sudden madness. I've felt the need to eradicate myself for years, and I have been a perfectly rational human being. And I want to emphasise again, I'm not dying because of any people. No one could have done anything to change this outcome, all that's been done is just continuously delaying the inevitable.
I'm not in a better place now. I'm nowhere, and I'm content with that.
[Personal messages to people in my life are here. I do not intend to type them out on SaSu.]
Signing off, with all the care I have left,
[KZ]"
I'll stay online for a little bit, probably about an hour or two, while I listen to some music to calm myself down, get the noose in position, and work up the resolve to kick the chair out from under me. So if you have any questions, or want to just talk to an enby on the gallows, I'll be around.
If people decide to post on this thread after I'm gone, please use they/ze/it/he pronouns to refer to me, it would mean the world to me.
I wish you all the best of luck in the world. I hope your pain eases soon.
Take care,
KZ
[in terms of deleting my account: mods, do as you see fit. I've deleted the email that was linked to this account, so I will not be back, not on this account at the very least. Rest easy.]
I've mentally prepared myself: I know that due to trauma and just general pain and sensory issues, it's going to be pure agony, but this will have to be the last bit of agony I have to endure.
I've decided to type out the note I'm leaving below. I'm not linking any files here, lest they be geotagged, and the site gets more attention, and more traffic. I have also removed my name, and replaced it with my initials. I know that there is a high likelihood I make the news, given the college I am at, so I have taken care to cover all links to this site.
"To those of you who know, and those of you who don't know me, my name is [KZ]. I understand that that is not my legal name, but I would appreciate if this were respected. Should it not be respected, I will be back to haunt everyone and their ancestors forever. So be warned.
This was a long time coming, and many factors were to blame. No one was at fault, and nor could anyone have done anything to make this outcome different. I don't want people thinking that they killed me, I'd much prefer people act as if I never existed in the first place.
There is this pressure to write something profound here, to sum up the entirety of my life in a neat little package, in a way that changes everything. There is nothing to say. I was in severe pain, and I'm no longer in pain. I once saw someone explain suicide like someone jumping out the window of a tall burning building: if there was no fire, you'd have no desire to jump out, but the fear of the fire trumps the fear of the fall, so down you jump.
I could spend hours writing about my experiences as an autistic trans person, but what is there to say that hasn't already been said? The system is flawed. The system is killing trans and neurodivergent people (and this does include children, I know how people seem to put far more weight on their lives than anyone else's). The system has played a part in my decision. So has the state of my brain. People kept telling me it would get better, people kept saying it was just teenage angst, and I would get over it. I've had the desire to eradicate myself since I was 9. It's been over a decade. It's not getting better.
I know exams were coming up. I assure you all, they were not at all part of my decision; in fact, they almost made me delay everything, because I felt like I finally was a somewhat functional human being.
There is no big main reason for why I've come to this decision: let me be honest, this is far from the first note I'm writing, and I'm hoping it will be my last. I'm tired of trying to come up with a neat little packaged reason to make everyone feel better about me being gone. So just know, it's complicated. I haven't been struck with sudden madness. I've felt the need to eradicate myself for years, and I have been a perfectly rational human being. And I want to emphasise again, I'm not dying because of any people. No one could have done anything to change this outcome, all that's been done is just continuously delaying the inevitable.
I'm not in a better place now. I'm nowhere, and I'm content with that.
[Personal messages to people in my life are here. I do not intend to type them out on SaSu.]
Signing off, with all the care I have left,
[KZ]"
I'll stay online for a little bit, probably about an hour or two, while I listen to some music to calm myself down, get the noose in position, and work up the resolve to kick the chair out from under me. So if you have any questions, or want to just talk to an enby on the gallows, I'll be around.
If people decide to post on this thread after I'm gone, please use they/ze/it/he pronouns to refer to me, it would mean the world to me.
I wish you all the best of luck in the world. I hope your pain eases soon.
Take care,
KZ
[in terms of deleting my account: mods, do as you see fit. I've deleted the email that was linked to this account, so I will not be back, not on this account at the very least. Rest easy.]
