greedydeath
Member
- Jul 22, 2020
- 18
hello :), I posted a goodbye thread here about 3-4 years ago with another account with partial as method but SI kicked in hard last minute and well, here we are again. this time i'm choosing full suspension. i know it will hurt like a bitch but i don't mind pain. i've almost (accidentally) drowned about twice when i was a teen so i know that feeling of not being able to breathe and although it's terrifying and i'm 100% sure that as soon as i let go this time i will regret it and hate myself but i'm willing to endure those few minutes of pain for the price. i've considered SN, exist bag and many other peaceful methods but taking accessibility into account, i've decided it's not worth it. regarding my body, i'm a uni student who lives alone and a bit far away from home so the only person/people that'll find me are police/ambulance so it's a load off knowing a loved one doesn't have to deal with that. anyways, last time i posted here with the previous account, there was this one kind soul who said "don't look back. u'll be okay." and i'll never forget those words. i've been suicidal most of my life and it's way past depression or life situation at this point and more like a part of me that i think about almost every hour of everyday and i don't see it in a negative sense. but i have attempted and been hospitalized in ICU and psych wards many times before and the act of looking back has been my biggest struggle. SI always kicks in hard at the last moment and i end up prolonging the suffering. despite everything i know, i always think "okay maybe i can give this life thing a shot! it will be fine this time". it never is and usually lasts only a few days/weeks before reality sets in again. anyways, i've started on new antidepressants as well as anti anxiety meds and my doctor said that the first few weeks i might feel very depressed and suicidal and she's right! i do feel more suicidal than usual. even more than i've felt with any other antidepressants. which is why i gave myself about a few more weeks to wait it out to see if this is one of my episodes or if this truly is my breaking point. regardless of the reason, i don't want to waste the opportunity and have truly accepted that this is it. and it's final. i'm not looking back this time :) i wish all of u with all my heart and being that u find peace - one way or the other. goodbye
