I think this is my goodbye for the forums.
I'm one of the oldest members and also I'm not young, I saw people come and go, lost a lot of friends and people throughout the years. There are a lot of painful memories. I can't express how much sadness and pain I've experienced.
I have memory problems but The first 2~3 months of the forum were really special and different than the rest, it's not the posts or anything, it was like a magical place at that time. Sometimes I feel nostalgic and wish I ctbed back then or even before the existence of the forum. It's really unique how a suicidal feels nostalgic about previous suicidal times.
I don't know why I'm saying this but of course I stayed for a long time because of the lack of methods. It was a different experience than what one experience in other places. Its like I've added 20 extra years or more to my own age specially how you see a lot about different problems from different people from all places and backgrounds. The problem here is what I'd call method bottleneck because a lot of people are stuck because they don't find a method and there is little to no scientific research. There are countless peaceful methods both theoretically and practically and limiting the options doesn't help. The lack of methods creates negativity and frustration and I think scientific research should be a priority.
Life is a terrible concept, lonely consciousness filled with pain and suffering. Everyone only looks at the outside and never the inside. Everything ends. I could continue talking about this endlessly and how life is full of faults.
To show how life and things within life are contradictory, and to know the limitations, there are three connected topics in mathematics that if you apply them on anything you'll understand the limitations and contradictions: Incompleteness theorems, halting problem, Entscheidungsproblem. The idea simply is one can't compute or perform an infinite or arbitrarily large amount of steps.
As for improving life, humans are wasting their time on politics and wars, etc, I don't like humans as a species from a scientist point of view. Humans are arrogant and put obstacles about understanding themselves and they don't like to hear describing themselves as animals or robots. Studying them biologically could explain a lot about their behavior as a species. It's better to apply science and mathematics in life instead of bureaucracy, by applying efficient algorithms and modeling, a lot of time and effort are saved. It's possible also to solve hunger, poverty, etc by using efficient energy sources (like nuclear) and using chemistry to create food instead of plants and animals.
Ok now for the real thing
I'm going to leave this forum permanently. I'll always want to ctb and I'm going to focus on the charcoal method because it's the most reasonable in my case. It's possible to do Nitrogen or any gas related ones also. Nothing is going to change about my life views and wanting to ctb. By leaving I'm going to be more dedicated to careful ctb planning rather than impulsively hurt myself and unintentionally hurt others.
The original reason many people join for is the method and unfortunately in my current situation I struggle with method research let alone how its hard to have a peaceful method ready for use.
The problem is I'm having a lot of health problems both mentally and physically and I can't stay in the forum anymore. The forum worsens my pain and symptoms. I struggle a lot while typing this. Also I reached a point where it doesn't help me both in living and ctb. I need to save myself first in order to ctb as my current situation is deteriorating. I want to find a way to help about the brain and other problems I have.
I have to deal with the impulsive ctb when I get unbearable pain.
I suffered a lot throughout my life, being abused, locked and isolated and I experienced a lot of bizarre and chaotic situations and I feel I don't belong anywhere. There are a lot of other traumatic things I experienced that I don't talk about like seeing dead people. And instead I try to focus logically on the faults of life.
I lost a lot of people throughout the years and I think now it's the time to stop. I don't think its worth it anymore to stay. I've spent a lot of time here and I invested a lot, I wholeheartedly want to help to support friends and I even devote myself even if it costs me pain. The thing is really uneven and no matter what the situation, I always get hurt at the end, I put my entire self which is uneven, I try to break the boundaries but unfortunately no matter what I do it's the same and no matter how I feel and think, all of that is lost, its really cruel. And because the concept of life is faulty and how communication is full of misunderstanding, mix that with the concept of death and everything is going to be messy at the end. Things like losing a longtime friend hurts, I've lost a lot and it messed me, almost everyone from the old days are gone. All of this and I'm not even talking about real life losses and traumas.
I don't know how others think about me, I have a child and girl/woman also inside me. Nobody will understand how I talk and how I feel. When I talk logically maybe I'm bland or something to others but when I'm emotional I don't know what they think. I be childish and/or feminine most of the time and the real experience and interaction with others hurts and people would assume other things about me, and the poor inside me will cry. I don't interact with humans and rarely interact because of many and various reasons and one of them is the huge and endless amount of abuse.
Despite how I always wanted to ctb, I always said that I'll stay for friends and loves ones here also. I don't want others to feel bad or sad. Unfortunately this is the fault of life, and I have to leave specially how the forum endangers my life (not as in death/ctb), I don't think its a choice for me. The forum now worsens my mental and physical conditions. I had a lot of problems and bizarre and extreme situations throughout my life and tbh I don't know how I handled all of that. Now the universe trolled me again and a lot of things happened, I don't know what happened to my brain, maybe it's temporary or it's possible to heal, I don't know. I struggled a lot while typing this.
What will happen next? I don't know, I just hope it's going to be peaceful. I'll always want to ctb but I need to deal with the brain first and deal with cunbearable pain that makes me impulsively suicidal when it happens. Sometimes I feel it could kill me or something. I'm sorry if things were messy or someone was hurt. It's overwhelming and I don't feel myself when extreme pain happens.
I should leave and deal with the mess, I don't know what can I do or if it's possible. I'll get more time for myself and dealing with problems and planning to ctb rationally and not impulsively. It was the same before the forum, dark days and alone. There is not much difference as I'm always suicidal. I just hope I can do something. I always thought about others before myself to the degree of hurting myself, I tried to give knowledge, love, fun and other things to other people. I think now it's the time to think about myself and my ending chapter in life.
I'm going to take some information about methods then leave permanently. I'm sorry everyone. I wish you all the best, for everyone, who love or hate me, or have a problem or anything. Life is a problem and I understand how it leads to conflicts and misunderstandings, I tried to minimize it, there are other physical and body factors like pain and no matter what one thinks or wants to do, those are a part of the formula, I'm not perfect but tried my best. I wish you peace and no suffering.
For anyone who reads this, good luck and I wish you peace and no suffering, I wish you the best.
Goodbye
I'm one of the oldest members and also I'm not young, I saw people come and go, lost a lot of friends and people throughout the years. There are a lot of painful memories. I can't express how much sadness and pain I've experienced.
I have memory problems but The first 2~3 months of the forum were really special and different than the rest, it's not the posts or anything, it was like a magical place at that time. Sometimes I feel nostalgic and wish I ctbed back then or even before the existence of the forum. It's really unique how a suicidal feels nostalgic about previous suicidal times.
I don't know why I'm saying this but of course I stayed for a long time because of the lack of methods. It was a different experience than what one experience in other places. Its like I've added 20 extra years or more to my own age specially how you see a lot about different problems from different people from all places and backgrounds. The problem here is what I'd call method bottleneck because a lot of people are stuck because they don't find a method and there is little to no scientific research. There are countless peaceful methods both theoretically and practically and limiting the options doesn't help. The lack of methods creates negativity and frustration and I think scientific research should be a priority.
Life is a terrible concept, lonely consciousness filled with pain and suffering. Everyone only looks at the outside and never the inside. Everything ends. I could continue talking about this endlessly and how life is full of faults.
To show how life and things within life are contradictory, and to know the limitations, there are three connected topics in mathematics that if you apply them on anything you'll understand the limitations and contradictions: Incompleteness theorems, halting problem, Entscheidungsproblem. The idea simply is one can't compute or perform an infinite or arbitrarily large amount of steps.
As for improving life, humans are wasting their time on politics and wars, etc, I don't like humans as a species from a scientist point of view. Humans are arrogant and put obstacles about understanding themselves and they don't like to hear describing themselves as animals or robots. Studying them biologically could explain a lot about their behavior as a species. It's better to apply science and mathematics in life instead of bureaucracy, by applying efficient algorithms and modeling, a lot of time and effort are saved. It's possible also to solve hunger, poverty, etc by using efficient energy sources (like nuclear) and using chemistry to create food instead of plants and animals.
Ok now for the real thing
I'm going to leave this forum permanently. I'll always want to ctb and I'm going to focus on the charcoal method because it's the most reasonable in my case. It's possible to do Nitrogen or any gas related ones also. Nothing is going to change about my life views and wanting to ctb. By leaving I'm going to be more dedicated to careful ctb planning rather than impulsively hurt myself and unintentionally hurt others.
The original reason many people join for is the method and unfortunately in my current situation I struggle with method research let alone how its hard to have a peaceful method ready for use.
The problem is I'm having a lot of health problems both mentally and physically and I can't stay in the forum anymore. The forum worsens my pain and symptoms. I struggle a lot while typing this. Also I reached a point where it doesn't help me both in living and ctb. I need to save myself first in order to ctb as my current situation is deteriorating. I want to find a way to help about the brain and other problems I have.
I have to deal with the impulsive ctb when I get unbearable pain.
I suffered a lot throughout my life, being abused, locked and isolated and I experienced a lot of bizarre and chaotic situations and I feel I don't belong anywhere. There are a lot of other traumatic things I experienced that I don't talk about like seeing dead people. And instead I try to focus logically on the faults of life.
I lost a lot of people throughout the years and I think now it's the time to stop. I don't think its worth it anymore to stay. I've spent a lot of time here and I invested a lot, I wholeheartedly want to help to support friends and I even devote myself even if it costs me pain. The thing is really uneven and no matter what the situation, I always get hurt at the end, I put my entire self which is uneven, I try to break the boundaries but unfortunately no matter what I do it's the same and no matter how I feel and think, all of that is lost, its really cruel. And because the concept of life is faulty and how communication is full of misunderstanding, mix that with the concept of death and everything is going to be messy at the end. Things like losing a longtime friend hurts, I've lost a lot and it messed me, almost everyone from the old days are gone. All of this and I'm not even talking about real life losses and traumas.
I don't know how others think about me, I have a child and girl/woman also inside me. Nobody will understand how I talk and how I feel. When I talk logically maybe I'm bland or something to others but when I'm emotional I don't know what they think. I be childish and/or feminine most of the time and the real experience and interaction with others hurts and people would assume other things about me, and the poor inside me will cry. I don't interact with humans and rarely interact because of many and various reasons and one of them is the huge and endless amount of abuse.
Despite how I always wanted to ctb, I always said that I'll stay for friends and loves ones here also. I don't want others to feel bad or sad. Unfortunately this is the fault of life, and I have to leave specially how the forum endangers my life (not as in death/ctb), I don't think its a choice for me. The forum now worsens my mental and physical conditions. I had a lot of problems and bizarre and extreme situations throughout my life and tbh I don't know how I handled all of that. Now the universe trolled me again and a lot of things happened, I don't know what happened to my brain, maybe it's temporary or it's possible to heal, I don't know. I struggled a lot while typing this.
What will happen next? I don't know, I just hope it's going to be peaceful. I'll always want to ctb but I need to deal with the brain first and deal with cunbearable pain that makes me impulsively suicidal when it happens. Sometimes I feel it could kill me or something. I'm sorry if things were messy or someone was hurt. It's overwhelming and I don't feel myself when extreme pain happens.
I should leave and deal with the mess, I don't know what can I do or if it's possible. I'll get more time for myself and dealing with problems and planning to ctb rationally and not impulsively. It was the same before the forum, dark days and alone. There is not much difference as I'm always suicidal. I just hope I can do something. I always thought about others before myself to the degree of hurting myself, I tried to give knowledge, love, fun and other things to other people. I think now it's the time to think about myself and my ending chapter in life.
I'm going to take some information about methods then leave permanently. I'm sorry everyone. I wish you all the best, for everyone, who love or hate me, or have a problem or anything. Life is a problem and I understand how it leads to conflicts and misunderstandings, I tried to minimize it, there are other physical and body factors like pain and no matter what one thinks or wants to do, those are a part of the formula, I'm not perfect but tried my best. I wish you peace and no suffering.
For anyone who reads this, good luck and I wish you peace and no suffering, I wish you the best.
Goodbye
