Dqope
Human, All Too Human...
- Aug 21, 2023
- 58
Hi everyone.
Seems like my time has come.
I will go tomorrow on the 2nd of July 2025.
I thought I would wait a couple more days till next week till I got Meto but I just can't do it anymore. I feel so empty so I can't do it anymore.
(if your buying Meto from India [I did] then be prepared to wait for at least 2 weeks. Fucking paid 55 EUR for what would normally cost like 3 EUR just beacuse I don't have a prescription for it and wanted it to arrive fast (they said 5-9 days). Long story short; its still not here and it has been in the Indian posting center to be shipped via plane for 6 days and I am not waiting any longer. So don't waste your money if you don't have time. I guess this is the first time I got scammed in my life (or maybe second). And of course it had to be before I die xd.)
Already cleared most things out of my dorm, written down notes for each of the close family members and things like that.
--------------My protocol--------------
----------Tools and materials----------
- digital scale
- cups size 0.5l
- cups size 0.25l
- aquarium water test
- syringe 10ml & 5ml
- distilled water 2l
- SN 500g
- spoon
------------Medication used------------
- Tiotilazine
- Sodium Metamizole
- Diazepam
- Bromazepam
- Homeopathic medication (idk the names)
- Valerian drops
-------My life story and thinking-------
I am just a simple 19y old in central EU. Came from a good family - well educated and quite well off. When I was young my parents separated and it was quite nasty. I don't know if I was born with it or if it came later but my heart was playing with me. It started when I was about 11 and got worse with time. I would just lay down or walk and it would go from 60bpm to 210bpm. Multiple times times I though I was going to die. At first I was scared. I saw a doctor where he just dismissed me (I guess he didn't find anything or its just because it didn't happen when I was with him). The more it happened, the more I wished it to end. I started to wish and hoped I would pass. But in the end that didn't happen. At the same time that was the first time I really lost my meaning in life. Though in the end I didn't know much and could cope.
Started getting into reading - philosophy, metaphysics, religion (I wished to see different perspectives). I always had good imagination. Could watch myself and look at others, objects... from other perspectives and angles and what they thought and why they probably thought that. Even though I could hold a conversation, make friends and worked hard I could see people just saw me in a different way. Like they didn't like me or they were plotting something. Too many times I heard people talk behind my back (doesn't bother me much but I never understood why someone would do that - are they retarded? Nothing better to do?).
Then when it comes to women. When I was in the first grade I had a crush on a girl. Even though I was one of the most fit ones I guess I just wasn't born for that. Then again in another school since my parents divorced and the same happened. I could have a six pack and be as high as everyone else but I guess it wasn't enough. I always felt like I didn't belong anywhere but my home with my parents and my sister. Now that I look back I guess the black pill hit me quite fast. Even though as I am writing this I am 6'1, white, did calisthenics and got a 6 pack, wear quite expensive clothes - I guess I still am not enough (probably because my nose is a bit to one side and I walk a bit differently and probably something else that I don't see). There is no real love. My life ended the time I was born. There are just transactions (money, looks, your family, race....). Even if I work hard and I made though uni for a STEM degree; what then? Work my ass off so I can have a wife that doesn't really love me. Where others and girls have fun their whole early life, I need to rot in a room for a chance to have her (after she got trains ran on her and is all used up). Then she will come to me in her 30ies and say that she loved me the whole time and wants to settle down. I need to do everything so I have a chance to have her fake love and at the end of the day she will leave me at the first chance she has or probably talk behind my back as almost everyone did before.
Heard and seen too many real life stories of women and their behavior. My dad was at a restaurant and there were like 4 women in a corner sitting down and talking. One said something to the effect of - "My husband wants to have sex with me. What should I do? I don't want to fuck him.". Then the other one said "Just make him work. Start some new projects; say how you want a garden or something else so he needs to be at work more and earn more money so he will be tired when he comes home. At that point even he won't even have time or the energy to think about sex.". They then laughed and said it was a good idea and one said "Why haven't I thought of that before". They may act innocent but in reality behind your back you can't trust them. If she really loved you and was really attracted to you, she would say she doesn't have a boyfriend or a husband even if she had one. She would do anything to be with you but here we are. All the others could give an arm and a leg and she would still leave you or despise you behind closed doors.
Another one: There was a really cute girl (red head) that was a friend of my sister and looked like a real 9/10. She looked innocent and was cute. Later down the line I realized she sells herself for rich guys in Germany and is used like a BDSM sex toy.
Another one: A girl that thinks nothing of me (so she didn't care that I was there) texted one guy on the phone how she loved him and that she had a great time while being on a speaker phone call with another guy where they talked about when they could meet up and fuck.
And don't think that pretty girls don't have dark secrets and alternative motives even if you get with them (since if you aren't at least a real 8/10 to 9/10 or 10/10 she wont have real feelings for you). Your just gonna be another BetaBux Deluxe guy she is going to use as a piggy bank. Your better off dead (thats what she would wish the most). The uglier or less desired ones are not saints either. Actually she is more desired because most guys already have in their minds that they don't have a chance with at 8,9,10/10 girls. So they all go for the real 5/10, 6/10, 7/10 girls (the real scale; not where everyone is a 7/10 and nobody is a 1/10 if you get me). They get a lot of attention as well so it gets to their head. If your not providing enough or aren't doing the most (excluding the really good looking guys) then you will be quickly replaced. If not now then a few years down the line. Even so innocent women get their mind so easily poisoned - be it friends, a single boyfriend or society in general.
Saw women and heard from them IRL that they cheated on their husbands or boyfriends because of a small argument and thus wanted to show them how replaceable they were. How no matter what they did (the men) - they still had the one above them (the women). Of course the husband/boyfriend doesn't know that. She said that she just left him for a day because she was angry and went to have a little conversation with her lady friends. Little does he know that she got dicked down by another man that day. He will still think she is the little innocent wife but she has quite a bit of a past to hide. And she is one of the most innocent looking and well presentable girl. Now imagine how it is with other ones. So the ladies will say "Past is past", "He doesn't have to know everything, that was way back in the day" and shit like that. If you aren't good looking you will never feel real love. Just some fake shit so they can get something from you (if you even have anything), be that physical possessions, race...
So if there is no love what is there left for me? I guess this saying really is real "ignorance is bliss". Maybe I wish I could forget all the things I know, many more that I won't discuss here, but deep down I know that its for the better that I know how it is. I can work hard - but for what? Then why work hard? For my parents? Just to help them until they die and the second they go I will go as well? Why don't I go now? They decided they wanted me on this earth and thus I was born. Why can't I decide when I leave then? Ok, so I work hard and work on the house they have or get my own one. For who? For a wife that won't respect me, because she can get with another guy faster than I can order and get delivered a pizza? And then lock myself up to have a child in this shitty ass world? Even though I don't think I look too bad, there is a high chance that he won't be 9/10, 10/10. If it a girl then to have her and look at her innocent self when she is young to probably get ran trains on when she gets old enough. And that's how its now in the dating market. Sex is treated like a sport. In this decadent world I can only imagine that will just get worse and worse. I can't do it. That would break my heart. And to bring him into hell like I have been living in? No, I won't. So there is no place for me anymore.
I can't even feel anything anymore. The times I should be sad or angry or in stress I feel nothing. Its like i am filling an empty void. I lack meaning and furthermore lack feeling of anything. There is no point. Either way I probably won't get past 40 because my heart.
When I was 12 I lost my meaning as well and got onto a bus and went to eat my last meal and got back home with a knife in my hand. I put it near my rib cage and was prepared to plunge it into me but something held me back. Thinking of family and how they would mourn me. Every time we went anywhere I asked myself how it would be without me. Like if I was a ghost observing others and looking at the situation from the 3rd person. How they would be at dinner. How it would be at school. How it would be if they went somewhere and I already committed suicide. What would they talk about then? How would their faces look? What would they be doing? I guess all that thinking even more distanced me from being able to feel some emotions or at least numbed them.
So at that time what discouraged me was family, but there was another thing. Money. I though money was everything. You can get and do everything with money (I thought). I programmed a software and sold it online. It was good money. For that time to be making a few thousands basically passively. While others were in class and probably thinking of how they can get home faster and were bored, I kept getting notifications (20 EUR received, 30 EUR received, 25 EUR received.....). It felt good. Later down the line I realized something. Even if I have expensive clothes. Even if I buy a nice car in the future or a house. For what? What is the point? That's how I got into philosophy.
But as you can see even that didn't help in the end. It was nice. I learned a lot and helped quite a few people with their life and perspective. Everything in life is perspective. I guess I just can't change mine. Funny right? Can help others but in the end, you can't help yourself. But it is how it is. And I have accepted life and how it is. Also I am a perfectionist and would like to things be that way. The things in my control I made perfect (or at least tried to) but there is too much out of my control.
I know I could get a prostitute or have a woman indeed but I never really desired just sex. I wanted to maybe feel "love" and to be truly "loved" but that doesn't and won't exist. When I though that love was true I was still very young and naive. And even if it does happen by some miracle I am sure that she will lose feelings for me down the line, just like it always happens. I guess I was born a Virgo and I will die a virgin (xd). Maybe I will get some privileges in heaven if that truly exists for me (haha).
----------------The end----------------
Still remember when I came here and found this forum (about 2 years ago). Back then I though I had to go by stabbing myself in the heart but thanks to you all I have found a much more peaceful method that I am now using (SN). For that I wish to sincerely thank everyone who made posts, comments and just gave their opinions on this matter. Now I can go and find my peace without much suffering towards the end. Thanks for existing and helping me.
If you read this and all my ramblings (xd) - hope you realized something I didn't and maybe found your meaning in life. Maybe it went past me. Maybe it was in front of me all along. Or maybe it would come in the future. But I guess we will never know.
P.S I won't respond anymore. Just wanted to make this post. Made this in hopes that it may help someone.
Wish you all the best.
-AK
Seems like my time has come.
I will go tomorrow on the 2nd of July 2025.
I thought I would wait a couple more days till next week till I got Meto but I just can't do it anymore. I feel so empty so I can't do it anymore.
(if your buying Meto from India [I did] then be prepared to wait for at least 2 weeks. Fucking paid 55 EUR for what would normally cost like 3 EUR just beacuse I don't have a prescription for it and wanted it to arrive fast (they said 5-9 days). Long story short; its still not here and it has been in the Indian posting center to be shipped via plane for 6 days and I am not waiting any longer. So don't waste your money if you don't have time. I guess this is the first time I got scammed in my life (or maybe second). And of course it had to be before I die xd.)
Already cleared most things out of my dorm, written down notes for each of the close family members and things like that.
--------------My protocol--------------
| Time | Action |
|---|---|
| 16:00hrs | Start fasting (no food) |
| 22:00hrs | Start fasting (little to none water) |
| 23:00hrs | 3 x 6,5mg Tiotilazine (19.5mg in total) [used to treat severe nausea and vomiting] 2 x 500mg Sodium Metamizole (much more effective painkiller than paracetamol) |
| 23:30hrs | 10 x Homeopathic medication (for lower heart rate) 60-80 x Valerian drops Prepare x3 SN drink (25g in 50ml of plain water) Prepare scheduled messages for my family (will be sent 24h after I drink) |
| 23:45hrs | 2 x Diazepam (don't know dosage) , 3 x Bromazepam (don't know dosage) [both Benzodiazepines] |
| 00:00hrs | SN drink |
----------Tools and materials----------
- digital scale
- cups size 0.5l
- cups size 0.25l
- aquarium water test
- syringe 10ml & 5ml
- distilled water 2l
- SN 500g
- spoon
------------Medication used------------
- Tiotilazine
- Sodium Metamizole
- Diazepam
- Bromazepam
- Homeopathic medication (idk the names)
- Valerian drops
-------My life story and thinking-------
I am just a simple 19y old in central EU. Came from a good family - well educated and quite well off. When I was young my parents separated and it was quite nasty. I don't know if I was born with it or if it came later but my heart was playing with me. It started when I was about 11 and got worse with time. I would just lay down or walk and it would go from 60bpm to 210bpm. Multiple times times I though I was going to die. At first I was scared. I saw a doctor where he just dismissed me (I guess he didn't find anything or its just because it didn't happen when I was with him). The more it happened, the more I wished it to end. I started to wish and hoped I would pass. But in the end that didn't happen. At the same time that was the first time I really lost my meaning in life. Though in the end I didn't know much and could cope.
Started getting into reading - philosophy, metaphysics, religion (I wished to see different perspectives). I always had good imagination. Could watch myself and look at others, objects... from other perspectives and angles and what they thought and why they probably thought that. Even though I could hold a conversation, make friends and worked hard I could see people just saw me in a different way. Like they didn't like me or they were plotting something. Too many times I heard people talk behind my back (doesn't bother me much but I never understood why someone would do that - are they retarded? Nothing better to do?).
Then when it comes to women. When I was in the first grade I had a crush on a girl. Even though I was one of the most fit ones I guess I just wasn't born for that. Then again in another school since my parents divorced and the same happened. I could have a six pack and be as high as everyone else but I guess it wasn't enough. I always felt like I didn't belong anywhere but my home with my parents and my sister. Now that I look back I guess the black pill hit me quite fast. Even though as I am writing this I am 6'1, white, did calisthenics and got a 6 pack, wear quite expensive clothes - I guess I still am not enough (probably because my nose is a bit to one side and I walk a bit differently and probably something else that I don't see). There is no real love. My life ended the time I was born. There are just transactions (money, looks, your family, race....). Even if I work hard and I made though uni for a STEM degree; what then? Work my ass off so I can have a wife that doesn't really love me. Where others and girls have fun their whole early life, I need to rot in a room for a chance to have her (after she got trains ran on her and is all used up). Then she will come to me in her 30ies and say that she loved me the whole time and wants to settle down. I need to do everything so I have a chance to have her fake love and at the end of the day she will leave me at the first chance she has or probably talk behind my back as almost everyone did before.
Heard and seen too many real life stories of women and their behavior. My dad was at a restaurant and there were like 4 women in a corner sitting down and talking. One said something to the effect of - "My husband wants to have sex with me. What should I do? I don't want to fuck him.". Then the other one said "Just make him work. Start some new projects; say how you want a garden or something else so he needs to be at work more and earn more money so he will be tired when he comes home. At that point even he won't even have time or the energy to think about sex.". They then laughed and said it was a good idea and one said "Why haven't I thought of that before". They may act innocent but in reality behind your back you can't trust them. If she really loved you and was really attracted to you, she would say she doesn't have a boyfriend or a husband even if she had one. She would do anything to be with you but here we are. All the others could give an arm and a leg and she would still leave you or despise you behind closed doors.
Another one: There was a really cute girl (red head) that was a friend of my sister and looked like a real 9/10. She looked innocent and was cute. Later down the line I realized she sells herself for rich guys in Germany and is used like a BDSM sex toy.
Another one: A girl that thinks nothing of me (so she didn't care that I was there) texted one guy on the phone how she loved him and that she had a great time while being on a speaker phone call with another guy where they talked about when they could meet up and fuck.
And don't think that pretty girls don't have dark secrets and alternative motives even if you get with them (since if you aren't at least a real 8/10 to 9/10 or 10/10 she wont have real feelings for you). Your just gonna be another BetaBux Deluxe guy she is going to use as a piggy bank. Your better off dead (thats what she would wish the most). The uglier or less desired ones are not saints either. Actually she is more desired because most guys already have in their minds that they don't have a chance with at 8,9,10/10 girls. So they all go for the real 5/10, 6/10, 7/10 girls (the real scale; not where everyone is a 7/10 and nobody is a 1/10 if you get me). They get a lot of attention as well so it gets to their head. If your not providing enough or aren't doing the most (excluding the really good looking guys) then you will be quickly replaced. If not now then a few years down the line. Even so innocent women get their mind so easily poisoned - be it friends, a single boyfriend or society in general.
Saw women and heard from them IRL that they cheated on their husbands or boyfriends because of a small argument and thus wanted to show them how replaceable they were. How no matter what they did (the men) - they still had the one above them (the women). Of course the husband/boyfriend doesn't know that. She said that she just left him for a day because she was angry and went to have a little conversation with her lady friends. Little does he know that she got dicked down by another man that day. He will still think she is the little innocent wife but she has quite a bit of a past to hide. And she is one of the most innocent looking and well presentable girl. Now imagine how it is with other ones. So the ladies will say "Past is past", "He doesn't have to know everything, that was way back in the day" and shit like that. If you aren't good looking you will never feel real love. Just some fake shit so they can get something from you (if you even have anything), be that physical possessions, race...
So if there is no love what is there left for me? I guess this saying really is real "ignorance is bliss". Maybe I wish I could forget all the things I know, many more that I won't discuss here, but deep down I know that its for the better that I know how it is. I can work hard - but for what? Then why work hard? For my parents? Just to help them until they die and the second they go I will go as well? Why don't I go now? They decided they wanted me on this earth and thus I was born. Why can't I decide when I leave then? Ok, so I work hard and work on the house they have or get my own one. For who? For a wife that won't respect me, because she can get with another guy faster than I can order and get delivered a pizza? And then lock myself up to have a child in this shitty ass world? Even though I don't think I look too bad, there is a high chance that he won't be 9/10, 10/10. If it a girl then to have her and look at her innocent self when she is young to probably get ran trains on when she gets old enough. And that's how its now in the dating market. Sex is treated like a sport. In this decadent world I can only imagine that will just get worse and worse. I can't do it. That would break my heart. And to bring him into hell like I have been living in? No, I won't. So there is no place for me anymore.
I can't even feel anything anymore. The times I should be sad or angry or in stress I feel nothing. Its like i am filling an empty void. I lack meaning and furthermore lack feeling of anything. There is no point. Either way I probably won't get past 40 because my heart.
When I was 12 I lost my meaning as well and got onto a bus and went to eat my last meal and got back home with a knife in my hand. I put it near my rib cage and was prepared to plunge it into me but something held me back. Thinking of family and how they would mourn me. Every time we went anywhere I asked myself how it would be without me. Like if I was a ghost observing others and looking at the situation from the 3rd person. How they would be at dinner. How it would be at school. How it would be if they went somewhere and I already committed suicide. What would they talk about then? How would their faces look? What would they be doing? I guess all that thinking even more distanced me from being able to feel some emotions or at least numbed them.
So at that time what discouraged me was family, but there was another thing. Money. I though money was everything. You can get and do everything with money (I thought). I programmed a software and sold it online. It was good money. For that time to be making a few thousands basically passively. While others were in class and probably thinking of how they can get home faster and were bored, I kept getting notifications (20 EUR received, 30 EUR received, 25 EUR received.....). It felt good. Later down the line I realized something. Even if I have expensive clothes. Even if I buy a nice car in the future or a house. For what? What is the point? That's how I got into philosophy.
But as you can see even that didn't help in the end. It was nice. I learned a lot and helped quite a few people with their life and perspective. Everything in life is perspective. I guess I just can't change mine. Funny right? Can help others but in the end, you can't help yourself. But it is how it is. And I have accepted life and how it is. Also I am a perfectionist and would like to things be that way. The things in my control I made perfect (or at least tried to) but there is too much out of my control.
I know I could get a prostitute or have a woman indeed but I never really desired just sex. I wanted to maybe feel "love" and to be truly "loved" but that doesn't and won't exist. When I though that love was true I was still very young and naive. And even if it does happen by some miracle I am sure that she will lose feelings for me down the line, just like it always happens. I guess I was born a Virgo and I will die a virgin (xd). Maybe I will get some privileges in heaven if that truly exists for me (haha).
----------------The end----------------
Still remember when I came here and found this forum (about 2 years ago). Back then I though I had to go by stabbing myself in the heart but thanks to you all I have found a much more peaceful method that I am now using (SN). For that I wish to sincerely thank everyone who made posts, comments and just gave their opinions on this matter. Now I can go and find my peace without much suffering towards the end. Thanks for existing and helping me.
If you read this and all my ramblings (xd) - hope you realized something I didn't and maybe found your meaning in life. Maybe it went past me. Maybe it was in front of me all along. Or maybe it would come in the future. But I guess we will never know.
P.S I won't respond anymore. Just wanted to make this post. Made this in hopes that it may help someone.
Wish you all the best.
-AK
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