Goodbye, but scared. (Don't want to feel alone)

[BeautifulMosaics]

I don't want to die, I'm scared. But my hand has been forced and I don't have any motivation or drive even for the things I want/once wanted. I'm scared though, I actually don't want to die. I've watched vlogs/interviews of a kid who ctb after being extorted. This young guy had so much going for him but still did it, in a sad way it kind of inspires me. It makes me think if they can do it, I can too. I also feel an affinity for this kid because he seemed so sweet and open/friendly.

Still, I'm so scared and don't actually want to let "me" go, but I know I have to and it was one of my life paths, the most probable one.

I crushed up 50mg valium and am going to drink the SN. I had propranolol and meto and even nexium but as I left the house I didn't want to stick around for too long looking for stuff.

First SN, then valium. In case I vomit out the valium. I can't be bothered for that. This stuff is going to knock me out and relax me hopefully.

What am I scared of?

Of all the things I'll miss that I actually like about life. Even the people close to me. The small things. Like I would like a hot chocolate rn. The hotel room is chilly because I have the AC on.

I'm scared to not exist anymore. Who knew someone who hasn't even been themselves for years/months (in varying degrees) would miss existing. I guess that's the ego talking though. I actually like me. Despite not being able to function as normal people do. I had a lot going for me and I never hurt anyone, which is something I can be proud to say. I can die knowing that and saying that wholeheartedly, save some misunderstandings, never any malicious intent towards anyone.

I'm scared of where I'm going. Not a "punishment" destination, but I believe people do see their bodies as they die. I'm scared of that split instant of looking down at my body in panic/regret realizing what I've thrown away and can never get back. I'm scared of that. But I know what I must do.

I've scared of regret. I have certain spiritual theories that I consider could be true. I don't know if there's going to be just nothing or if I'll have a space to regret what I've done. I just don't know, but I'm scared of regret. Less than experiencing absolutely nothing? I think I'd rather continue in some spiritual sense than have nothing but who knows? Certainly not me.



I'm not religious but I just have to ask for a higher power to take me into their arms and walk me through it. Yes, I'm giving up, and giving up so much potential and talents and gifts but what choice do I have?

I'm terrified though, never wanted it to end but knew I always would have to.

I was so emotional a few hours ago but my stomach wasn't empty enough. I emotionally could've done it then with more ease..

Anyway, please I don't want to feel alone in my last moments (which surprises me). It being 1am and dark in a strange hotel room really doesn't help.

 

[Some place nice]

I'm sorry you are in a strange place and are scared. I wish I could go to where you are and hug you. I dont want to die alone either so I understand the feeling. I hope its peaceful and wish to see you in the next life.

 

[puella]

I'm here for you; you aren't alone.

 

[hi-okbye]

i get how you feel. know right now that you are not alone, i'll be thinking about you tonight. i'm sorry this life has ben cruel to you to the point where you have to make this decision. i completely get the feeling of loving life, but wanting to die. just wishing the world was a bit different because maybe then you could've made it. it must be horrible being stuck in that environment, in the hotel up that late. i hope you find the peace your searching for, however that may be.

i'll share a little about how i feel and what i believe (this is just completely based off my own opinion). i've heard of the stories where people see their body after they die. certain reports don't say that though, so imo, that only happens if it will be of benefit to you. you seem like you would be distressed by it so it may not happen, or maybe it will, only the dead know. i also don't think you'll be forced to regret what you did, at most i think you'll learn so in your next life, you can thrive (if you believe in reincarnation and stuff). i also believe that almost all negative emotions are left behind when we die. so we are relived of depression, anger, grief, sadness, regret, etc.

we're all here to support you, in whatever you do. i wish you luck on your journey ahead, wherever that is

 

[paintedbutterfly676]

We're here for you as long as you need us. You'll be in our thoughts tonight

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Are you sure? You mention being scared a lot and not wanting to do this despite having to
Whats forcing you to do this?
I highly suggest you reconsider before you do something you might regret, you even said it yourself that you think youre going to regret this
This doesnt sound like someone who has thought this whole thing through nor like someone who is absolutely sure they want to do this
This action is irreversible, so you should only do this if you are 100000% sure you want to, not "i dont want to but i feel like i have to"

 

[dizzdesi]

Hey I hope you're still here. Being suicidal is a scary spot to be in of course, especially when you're actively suicidal. That's the boat I'm in. I wish I could offer you something to calm your nerves but I'm not sure if anything could do that. The enormity and strangeness of death is too great for that I think. But I hope that you continue to post, maybe you'll change your mind. If you don't, I respect that. Regardless, I'm here if you'd like to talk. I'll be online for most of the (for me) night x

 

[hi-okbye]

Are you sure? You mention being scared a lot and not wanting to do this despite having to
Whats forcing you to do this?
I highly suggest you reconsider before you do something you might regret, you even said it yourself that you think youre going to regret this
This doesnt sound like someone who has thought this whole thing through nor like someone who is absolutely sure they want to do this
This action is irreversible, so you should only do this if you are 100000% sure you want to, not "i dont want to but i feel like i have to"

i agree with this as well. make sure your 1000% ready to do it. it's okay if you don't do it we will be here to support you either way without judgement.

 

[undecided]

You don't want to die, so don't die. Give yourself more time, please don't do this !

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I really hate to cause a fuss to not do it. It's embarrassing and seems so attention seeking. I'm sorry to annoy anyone. I just feel so forced into this because I haven't really "lived" in 10 years. Depression/apathy/InattentiveADD has caused me to me to be a neet basically. I tried over the years with work and education but always came back to this and I think it's what I'd settle for if I had the money. I seem like the perfect candidate to ctb. How can people who function fine and have "great" lives do it so easily?

I just told myself around 1am it would be 8 hours since I haven't eaten. I just mixed the drink and sniffed it and I felt so much panic, that I told myself "I'm a coward" and felt deep down that I couldn't do it. Then the dread of what the hell I'd do in life came in. The SN expired Feb this year and I believe it's seal was broken since March this year. I'm scared of it not killing me. Does anyone know? I'd search but it says there's a server error. I also left without my scale because of the house situation. It says online 25g is 4 teaspoons.

I have some valium. I guess I can take that, but I crushed it up so I hope I don't take too much, knock myself out and wake up and the hotel people tell me to leave. I've never tried valium, no idea what effect it's gonna have on me. I just want to be unable to feel anxiety to do this.

made a shot of valium and will sip to see effects. just had a sip. i hope it calms me. taking more till i feel sedated. just dont want to go through this alone but still think i should do it.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

I really hate to cause a fuss to not do it. It's embarrassing and seems so attention seeking. I'm sorry to annoy anyone. I just feel so forced into this because I haven't really "lived" in 10 years. Depression/apathy/InattentiveADD has caused me to me to be a neet basically. I tried over the years with work and education but always came back to this and I think it's what I'd settle for if I had the money. I seem like the perfect candidate to ctb. How can people who function fine and have "great" lives do it so easily?

I just told myself around 1am it would be 8 hours since I haven't eaten. I just mixed the drink and sniffed it and I felt so much panic, that I told myself "I'm a coward" and felt deep down that I couldn't do it. Then the dread of what the hell I'd do in life came in. The SN expired Feb this year and I believe it's seal was broken since March this year. I'm scared of it not killing me. Does anyone know? I'd search but it says there's a server error. I also left without my scale because of the house situation. It says online 25g is 4 teaspoons.

I have some valium. I guess I can take that, but I crushed it up so I hope I don't take too much, knock myself out and wake up and the hotel people tell me to leave. I've never tried valium, no idea what effect it's gonna have on me. I just want to be unable to feel anxiety to do this.

Its not embarassing nor a fuss nor attention seeking nor cowardice
Sketchy SN ontop of all of this? Fuck no i suggest you stay away from that

 

[puella]

I really hate to cause a fuss to not do it. It's embarrassing and seems so attention seeking. I'm sorry to annoy anyone.

Please don't feel embarrassed to not do it. No one here wants you to feel pressured into doing anything. Take it slowly, please.

 

[dizzdesi]

I really hate to cause a fuss to not do it. It's embarrassing and seems so attention seeking. I'm sorry to annoy anyone. I just feel so forced into this because I haven't really "lived" in 10 years. Depression/apathy/InattentiveADD has caused me to me to be a neet basically. I tried over the years with work and education but always came back to this and I think it's what I'd settle for if I had the money. I seem like the perfect candidate to ctb. How can people who function fine and have "great" lives do it so easily?

I just told myself around 1am it would be 8 hours since I haven't eaten. I just mixed the drink and sniffed it and I felt so much panic, that I told myself "I'm a coward" and felt deep down that I couldn't do it. Then the dread of what the hell I'd do in life came in. The SN expired Feb this year and I believe it's seal was broken since March this year. I'm scared of it not killing me. Does anyone know? I'd search but it says there's a server error. I also left without my scale because of the house situation. It says online 25g is 4 teaspoons.

I have some valium. I guess I can take that, but I crushed it up so I hope I don't take too much, knock myself out and wake up and the hotel people tell me to leave. I've never tried valium, no idea what effect it's gonna have on me. I just want to be unable to feel anxiety to do this.

made a shot of valium and will sip to see effects. just had a sip. i hope it calms me. taking more till i feel sedated. just dont want to go through this alone but still think i should do it.

You're not annoying anyone! Trust me—this is a forum for conversations like this Look if you're completely sold on ctb, I'm not gonna force you to change your mind. I know that I'm not planning on changing mine. But please please please don't do anything that'll end up with you being in a WORSE situation! I don't think expired SN will do the trick and it will be really really painful for you. I hope what you've already had calms you too, you deserve a breather

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

well it made me very tired, slept til 2am tonight. I must've gone to the receptionist to renew my stay during the day but everything is blury. Gonna actually drink it now. Never intended to still be here. I remember wretching out the valium too. hours after I took it.

just swallowed some sn and threw up. drank more more still threw it up. ffs. i dont see how i can drink it all fss.

 

[hi-okbye]

well it made me very tired, slept til 2am tonight. I must've gone to the receptionist to renew my stay during the day but everything is blury. Gonna actually drink it now. Never intended to still be here. I remember wretching out the valium too. hours after I took it.

just swallowed some sn and threw up. drank more more still threw it up. ffs. i dont see how i can drink it all fss.

how are you now? are you still with us or did you cross. i hope no matter what that you found the peace you were looking for

 

[puella]

well it made me very tired, slept til 2am tonight. I must've gone to the receptionist to renew my stay during the day but everything is blury. Gonna actually drink it now. Never intended to still be here. I remember wretching out the valium too. hours after I took it.

just swallowed some sn and threw up. drank more more still threw it up. ffs. i dont see how i can drink it all fss.

Are you okay? I'm sorry I saw this so late. You should always abort if you throw up and don't know the actual amount of SN in your body. Especially with it being expired, that scares me.

I hope you're not hurt if you're still with us, and I hope you're resting peacefully now otherwise. I'm sorry this whole process was so scary and challenging for you.