This is my Goodbye,
I putted on some starlight and I will listen to some calm music .. I just want to feel cozy and warm once again
After a long time of just suffering and going through hell every single day, I have always been strong... unfortunately my strength is now at an end and before everything gets any worse, I have decided to leave tonight.... I have been preparing for this day for a long time and have done everything in my power to prevent this day from happening... unfortunately I wasn't able to
My method is SN and I stick to a member's regime....
I have already started fasting and taking Antimetic Keep your fingers crossed for me
This is my regime, if you have any suggestions: please don't hesitate
9:45am - antimetic
16:45pm - x2 AE
10:30pm - 600mg Ibuprofen
11:00pm - x3 AE
11:15 - Make Drinks x4
00:00 - Drink SN
I always said : feeling abnormal, by being normal in an abnormal World..Ive been mentally ill for as long as I can think but I've always tried my best and tried everything to fit into humanity and the world.. When I was 13, I had my first breakdown and wanted to kill myself... I couldn't finish school straight away and had to catch up on everything... .I always knew I'd kill myself someday, but I always hoped I could put it off as long as possible. So far this has always worked well.. of course , I had my dark days .. but days in the sun and by the sea, or days in the garden, in the meadows or by the lake, days with family or friends.. Wine on the terrace... counting stars.. Guessing clouds, picking strawberries, nibbling cherries and practicing spitting. I still loved all that.. No matter where I was, I always helped all the animals and all the people I could help. I was in Mauritius helping stray dogs... I saved every bird, every bee and every animal, no matter how small... I remember, whenever it rained, I would remove the snails from the path in front of my door so no one would step on them. I have loved rain in general .. Reading books, scenting candles, cooking... lying in the sun in the garden. Shopping, giving gifts.. Reading fairy tales, writing poems, telling stories... Cuddling up, watching movies, movies, popcorn, watermelon, brownies, birthday cake... I could tell for hours.. summer nights... moons, planetarium, going on vacation, traveling, painting, drawing... playing quizzes... swimming, bathing... life. I've always had it hard, but I always wanted to live. All the stones that were put in my way, I have overcome. I managed to get through every obstacle somehow. In spite of all the mental problems, I created my own little world that I felt good in. I am a kind and educated person. I have several degrees and own up to all of my mistakes... but I still don't deserve this! I was always hardworking and always gave my best. I left home when I was 17 and worked since I was 14. I worked at McDonald's for two years and was treated like shit. Besides all my Jobs, I went to school and survived somehow ..Despite ADD, borderline and inner emptiness, I always gave my all and was always there for all my friends. I always listened and always tried to support everyone. I graduated and endured bullying at school... I'm not a weak person and my decision has nothing to do with giving up... it has something to do with the fact that I don't want this life and I don't deserve it. I want to keep the beautiful memories and I gradually notice that they are being pushed aside by the torment... only when I think very carefully do certain events or beautiful moments come back to me. I value every second that I don't feel afraid or panicked.. I liked to do things by myself, to travel by myself, to think by myself and to watch the world.. And I've always done everything I could to be part of it... sports and clothes, make-up surgeries.. all to be like the others.. Then a difficult phase came to me.. and I had to go back to the hospital.. I felt so emotionally awful that my appearance also bothered me immensely. That's when I found a beautician who wanted to remove freckles because I felt uncomfortable with them. She gave me a lot of scars. In the beginning, I tried to see over it.. But they bothered me more and more and more and I went to 100 different doctors and I was already in treatment by the way and it started an endless cycle. I couldn't do all the things I used to love, I was passed from therapy to therapy and from clinic to clinic ... and gradually the world lost its colors ... my strength faded from day to day but I never gave up. I made contact with the woman who did this to me and after a long struggle I received 2000€ compensation that nothing will ever make it right again.
She destroyed me with it.. a very sensitive and loving person... who was so vulnerable and special.. the scars no longer bother me .. But what they did to me will never be right. When I was already in a difficult phase, she completely changed my appearance. I now felt terrible inside and out and didn't dare go out the door anymore. I isolated myself more and more because of my anxiety and panic disorder. Now I live with severe borderline ADD, anxiety and panic. Every step hurts and everything feels unreal. I didn't know that a human being could feel this way and experience such internal pain that he couldn't walk, sleep, eat, or think. I'm just a shadow of my former self. I haven't been able to listen to music or watch movies for years. Nothing distracts me. My family is broken and I throw up every single day.I shiver, I can't sleep, can't eat or calm down. I've been rushed to the ambulance so many times and everyone is looking at me, like I am a creep.. I guess maybe I am. But I am also a human being and I don't deserve a life like this..The world has lost its color and every day is a single torment for me.. I keep losing weight, mentally and physically and I have bad attacks and not a moment goes by without fear and panic. Nothing can calm me down or distract me . Everything scares me and I never get to rest.. I've been thinking for a long time about whether death is really the only solution and I've come to the conclusion that, unfortunately, it is. Life is meaningless when it only hurts and the pain gets worse and worse. Every time I thought it couldn't get any worse, it just got worse. At some point I thought maybe it would help if the scars disappeared and I fell for a scammer who offered a phenol peel. I lost €4,500, which my mother had laboriously saved up. Therapy after Therapy I realized, that nothing really helps…I don't want this life, from clinic to clinic and doctor to doctor... I don't want to lose my mind.. it's all I have left. I don't deserve to spend a life in a closed psychiatric ward.. I'm sad that my life has to end like this but I'm thankful for every day that I was happy..
I putted on some starlight and I will listen to some calm music .. I just want to feel cozy and warm once again
After a long time of just suffering and going through hell every single day, I have always been strong... unfortunately my strength is now at an end and before everything gets any worse, I have decided to leave tonight.... I have been preparing for this day for a long time and have done everything in my power to prevent this day from happening... unfortunately I wasn't able to
My method is SN and I stick to a member's regime....
I have already started fasting and taking Antimetic Keep your fingers crossed for me
This is my regime, if you have any suggestions: please don't hesitate
9:45am - antimetic
16:45pm - x2 AE
10:30pm - 600mg Ibuprofen
11:00pm - x3 AE
11:15 - Make Drinks x4
00:00 - Drink SN
I always said : feeling abnormal, by being normal in an abnormal World..Ive been mentally ill for as long as I can think but I've always tried my best and tried everything to fit into humanity and the world.. When I was 13, I had my first breakdown and wanted to kill myself... I couldn't finish school straight away and had to catch up on everything... .I always knew I'd kill myself someday, but I always hoped I could put it off as long as possible. So far this has always worked well.. of course , I had my dark days .. but days in the sun and by the sea, or days in the garden, in the meadows or by the lake, days with family or friends.. Wine on the terrace... counting stars.. Guessing clouds, picking strawberries, nibbling cherries and practicing spitting. I still loved all that.. No matter where I was, I always helped all the animals and all the people I could help. I was in Mauritius helping stray dogs... I saved every bird, every bee and every animal, no matter how small... I remember, whenever it rained, I would remove the snails from the path in front of my door so no one would step on them. I have loved rain in general .. Reading books, scenting candles, cooking... lying in the sun in the garden. Shopping, giving gifts.. Reading fairy tales, writing poems, telling stories... Cuddling up, watching movies, movies, popcorn, watermelon, brownies, birthday cake... I could tell for hours.. summer nights... moons, planetarium, going on vacation, traveling, painting, drawing... playing quizzes... swimming, bathing... life. I've always had it hard, but I always wanted to live. All the stones that were put in my way, I have overcome. I managed to get through every obstacle somehow. In spite of all the mental problems, I created my own little world that I felt good in. I am a kind and educated person. I have several degrees and own up to all of my mistakes... but I still don't deserve this! I was always hardworking and always gave my best. I left home when I was 17 and worked since I was 14. I worked at McDonald's for two years and was treated like shit. Besides all my Jobs, I went to school and survived somehow ..Despite ADD, borderline and inner emptiness, I always gave my all and was always there for all my friends. I always listened and always tried to support everyone. I graduated and endured bullying at school... I'm not a weak person and my decision has nothing to do with giving up... it has something to do with the fact that I don't want this life and I don't deserve it. I want to keep the beautiful memories and I gradually notice that they are being pushed aside by the torment... only when I think very carefully do certain events or beautiful moments come back to me. I value every second that I don't feel afraid or panicked.. I liked to do things by myself, to travel by myself, to think by myself and to watch the world.. And I've always done everything I could to be part of it... sports and clothes, make-up surgeries.. all to be like the others.. Then a difficult phase came to me.. and I had to go back to the hospital.. I felt so emotionally awful that my appearance also bothered me immensely. That's when I found a beautician who wanted to remove freckles because I felt uncomfortable with them. She gave me a lot of scars. In the beginning, I tried to see over it.. But they bothered me more and more and more and I went to 100 different doctors and I was already in treatment by the way and it started an endless cycle. I couldn't do all the things I used to love, I was passed from therapy to therapy and from clinic to clinic ... and gradually the world lost its colors ... my strength faded from day to day but I never gave up. I made contact with the woman who did this to me and after a long struggle I received 2000€ compensation that nothing will ever make it right again.
She destroyed me with it.. a very sensitive and loving person... who was so vulnerable and special.. the scars no longer bother me .. But what they did to me will never be right. When I was already in a difficult phase, she completely changed my appearance. I now felt terrible inside and out and didn't dare go out the door anymore. I isolated myself more and more because of my anxiety and panic disorder. Now I live with severe borderline ADD, anxiety and panic. Every step hurts and everything feels unreal. I didn't know that a human being could feel this way and experience such internal pain that he couldn't walk, sleep, eat, or think. I'm just a shadow of my former self. I haven't been able to listen to music or watch movies for years. Nothing distracts me. My family is broken and I throw up every single day.I shiver, I can't sleep, can't eat or calm down. I've been rushed to the ambulance so many times and everyone is looking at me, like I am a creep.. I guess maybe I am. But I am also a human being and I don't deserve a life like this..The world has lost its color and every day is a single torment for me.. I keep losing weight, mentally and physically and I have bad attacks and not a moment goes by without fear and panic. Nothing can calm me down or distract me . Everything scares me and I never get to rest.. I've been thinking for a long time about whether death is really the only solution and I've come to the conclusion that, unfortunately, it is. Life is meaningless when it only hurts and the pain gets worse and worse. Every time I thought it couldn't get any worse, it just got worse. At some point I thought maybe it would help if the scars disappeared and I fell for a scammer who offered a phenol peel. I lost €4,500, which my mother had laboriously saved up. Therapy after Therapy I realized, that nothing really helps…I don't want this life, from clinic to clinic and doctor to doctor... I don't want to lose my mind.. it's all I have left. I don't deserve to spend a life in a closed psychiatric ward.. I'm sad that my life has to end like this but I'm thankful for every day that I was happy..
Attachments
Last edited:
