Goodbye <3 Partial Suspension.

[Despondent]

I've been on the fence about making this post. It's been nearly two years of being apart of this community and I can't express my love for everyone here enough. This felt like home to me and forever will be home to me. I wish nothing but the best for each and every single one of you. You all are seriously some of the funniest, sweetest, and most empathizing people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

I'm a little taken back by this decision myself -- I recognize that my negative outlook on life outweighs any of the positives. I'm trying to get my things together and I've just recently moved so my apartment isn't looking too cute right now. This past weekend was absolutely horrible. I went to the hospital, slept outside one night, and even spent some time in jail. Then Monday and Tuesday looked a little more hopeful. Things were going too well and I was anticipating something to go downhill. And because of my existential crisis, that just so happened. I crashed and not because of anything situational. As horrible as life has been on some level, I'm happy that I was able to experience love and pain. As numb as I've become, feeling something is very special. Even if it hurts greatly.

I'll be doing partial suspension. Today I'll be getting my rope. I'm undecided if today or tomorrow will be the day. I'm trying to take some time to type up a quick suicide letter (one that gets to the point and includes everything that I want) and maybe some that are more personal to those who meant the most to me. I'll be using a strong ligature in my bathroom to hang the noose from. All I can say is, I really can't wait for all of this to be over. For the first time, genuinely, eternal peace doesn't scare me.

I wanted to thank some very special people who I love infinitely here. You all have made my stay worth it. Some of you are no longer here with us but just know that I think about you guys often. This isn't in any specific order and I hope that I don't miss anyone. There's a lot of you.
@Cakes, @Ame, @Fin, @Amumu, @-Persephone-,@Uncle Donk, @141592653, @Bärchen, @BreakTheCycle, @fox_wannabe, @downbad, @Apathy79, @Mr2005, @lobster salad, @ItsTimeToExit, @Kyrok, @Bootleg Astolfo , @sundress, @Iloveyouall , @Apathetic999, @JustKillBen20, @Albus Dumbledore , @Meditation guide, @degeneratewaste, @Satanist, @WaaaghEnjoyer, @Brink, @feelsohelpless, @Observer, @Foogs, @JustAMatterOfTime, @Symbiote, @Outcryofcrows, @LiesAndLigatures, @lv-gras, @treestumpbootsneo, @MG_39, @Esc9434, @MrBigSad

@Lilacmoon, @braketimez, @builtwrong, @crypticat

And to many more. I love you all. I'll be adding to this thread as names come to mind -- there's so many of you. Thank you all for being amazing friends. Thank you for accepting me into this community and for listening to me when nobody else would. The mind can be a very scary place.

 

[WaaaghEnjoyer]

you will be missed a lot

 

[Avril]

This is heartbreaking. You're the best mod we've ever had....Please don't rush anything

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[M.M]

I wish you a peaceful transition to the other side.

 

[Thingsneverchange]

Rest in peace I hope you will find the peace you're looking for. Hugs

 

[RainAndSadness]

Goodbye, peaceful travels.

 

[BreakTheCycle]

This is unexpected.

I still remember the first time we met in chat. You've started your run from everything and tried to OD with paracetamol. After this we had some fun time in chat and u have always been such a lovely person. Now that u have found your place to stay and moved out from your dad's home it seemed like you would be on a path that would make u stay longer with us. Sadly not.

U made your decision and even tho I'll miss you I hope u find the peace u deserve. This time without all the trouble you have been in at the moment we've met.

So I ask u the same as everyone here. If it is possible could u smile one last time before u leave us ? One last smile in this shitty world.

I wish u the very best and a ctb with dignity. An eternal sleep that'll give you everything u have been looking for that life couldn't provide.

"I am going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it Eternity"​

― Kosinski, Jerzy

You'll be missed love <3

 

[littlelungs]

I'm so sorry that it's come to this for you, @Despondent. You've been through so much hell, and from the bottom of my heart, I hope you finally get the peace you always deserved. You will be terribly missed and fondly remembered around here.

Safe travels, my friend.

 

[xrafinha]

I hope you can go peacefuly.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Considering I'm inclined to use partial hanging myself, I would very much like to hear and understand how you you going are to do it, of course, if you would like to share it.

And, since I don't know you, perhaps you could share a bit if your history.

All the best.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I didn't get to speak with you directly @Despondent, but I have seen you around in the chat and the forum. You have such a sincerely warm, kind and loving personality, which shines through strongly in the way you speak with others. You have an incredibly supportive nature, and you will be missed here.

You have done so much for us, as a member and later as a Mod. Thank you for taking care of the community and being there for other members. I am glad you found a place that you can call home here.

I am sorry it has reached this point for you. A sweet soul like you deserves so much better than the suffering you have endured.

As I always say, there is no shame in postponing your plans for another day. Death isn't going anywhere. However, I respect your choice, whatever happens.

If you do proceed with your plans, I truly hope you find the peace you deserve, the peace that life did not give you.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I thought things started going well for you
Sad to see you go, but don't let it weigh on you

Well I hope you achieve peace <3

 

[Panna]

Good luck, I hope you find what you're looking for

 

[Foogs]

I don't understand. 12 hours ago you were telling me specifics about how you were planning to recover, that things were going well. You asked me if I was proud of you (and I was). This I can't be proud of. This feels wrong, like a bipolar mood swing and not a real choice.

 

[Bot]

I will read you post after posting this comment
You will be missed, I am not pro life but i secretly hope you might reconsider

 

[SheJumped]

Safe and peaceful travels on your journey. Hope to see you on the bus someday.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I foolishly hoped/thought that members of moderation team would never go….. I know it's so stupid to think that way. I didn't know you personally, we haven't interacted at all, but I'm very sorry you decided to end your earthly journey. I know it's not about me, but I'm genuinely sad to see you leave. I'm so sorry you got to this point. If that's what you really want, and I believe it is, I wish you a peaceful transition. You will be dearly missed.

 

[Foogs]

I just wanna say again, more explicitly, no one should be "okay" with this. I know many of you don't know the full context but this isn't CTB. This is clearly acute mental illness. Dying because of a mental illness induced moodswing is much closer to someone holding a gun to your back and forcing you to do it than actually choosing to CTB.

Don't do this, ceasy. Last night you were excited about getting help, and you still need help. You're not thinking straight. The "you" we all know and love isn't in control right now. The "real you" is the person I spoke to last night who was happy about recovering.

 

[Meditation guide]

NO!

It's .... lost for words rn

 

[Donk]

I'm sorry life has led you to this point. I hope you find the peace you desire and I will miss you dearly. You hold a special place in my SS heart.

PS: Don't feel pressure to do if you have any second thoughts.

 

[fox_wannabe]

NO!

It's .... lost for words rn

I wanna cry

 

[Meditation guide]

Ceasy you are always so warm and kind to literally everyone. I was just thinking I wish I were more like you, able to relate to people as nicely and warmly as you always do. You project love and kindness every time you're in chat.
This world won't be the same without you in it and I'm hoping you change your mind. But if not, know that I loved and appreciated you very much. You taught me how to hug.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I'm really sorry, those last days and years seems to have been a rollercoaster.

Thank you for everything you have done for this community. Thank for your kindness and support.
It will be really sad to see you go, but also sad to see you suffer.

You were considering recovery, right?
If you're still considering recover, you can postpone your method. Since it's partial, it will be available as long as you have the rope.

We will be honored to have you with us for a while longer. Maybe even to fully recover. It would be great to see you live happily.

But if you choose to proceed with the planing. I wish you a safe travel. May you find peace and shines forever.
From infinity, please, look after us once again.

We will all be together, someday. But please, before carrying on with it, consider what the other users said.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Sometimes it's such a fine line between being mentally not well and making informed decision to ctb….. My mood changes all the time. I could wake up very okay in the morning and attempt in the evening, but I'm absolutely okay.
But dear @Despodent, your friends here are really worried about you. Maybe you should stop for a moment and try to talk to them and try to think about this decision some more. Bc unlike many others, this one will be your final. It's worth to ruminate on.

 

[phoenixx]

I'm so sorry it has come to this but I really hope you find peace

 

[Foogs]

I think a lot of people are wary of seeming "pro-life" and that's fine. This isn't a pro-life place, and this isn't a pro-CTB place. It's a pro-choice place. I think it's okay to recognize when someone isn't capable of making real choices and encourage them to get to a state where they can again. To really be pro-choice we must be against mental states that cause someone to lose the ability to make such a huge choice.

It can be a fine line to tread at times, but not this time. When someone is excited to live and recover at one moment and then less than 12 hours later is desperate to die, even though nothing in their life has changed, something is wrong with their ability to determine what they really want.

 

[Midgardsorm]

@Despondent maybe you should talk to @Foogs first.

Maybe something snapped. I kinda know how it is.
Years ago I helped a suicidal friend and he asked me about recovery. I told him that once you are suicidal, full recovery is very difficult.
Life will be like walking on a tightrope, anything can happen both ways.

Maybe it's still time for recovery.

It's up to you,big course, but please, consider it.

 

[HopelessFight]

I'm very sorry to hear you feel this way. If you continue with this, I wish you a peaceful travel. Be aware you can always change your mind, no one will (or should) judge you for that.

 

[stilldreaming]

I'm so sorry you're in this much pain. I'm very new here, but I understand you've helped make it a better place. Thank you so much for your hard work here. I'm sure you were working just as hard on yourself.

The last thing I want to say to anyone on this website is 'are you sure', but I hope you understand that it comes from a place of care and concern. Everyone here is hoping for the best for you. Unmanageable mental pain is well unbearable, and we all have limits. Please know that you are always supported x

 

[ClownMe]

If this is what you really want to do then I hope you find the eternal peace you're looking for.